Sunday, February 27, 2005


The Fix is In!

Screw the Oscars; the most important ceremony in Hollywood happened last night. Let's see how my predictions measured up:

Worst Film: Catwoman. Well. Guess three hours of Greco-Roman comic tragedy just doesn't match up against the horror of open-toed high-heeled boots.

Worst Sequel: Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. Whuh? No, seriously; whuh? It's not as if this was a sequel to some glorious paragon of Hollywood filmmaking that soulless executives crapped out for a few dollars more, and it's not as if the first Scooby-Doo was an abomination so bad that the earth should have been salted where it was filmed.

Worst Director: Pitof, Catwoman. God, they really hated Catwoman, didn't they? Well, so did I, I guess. But not as much as Oliver Stone. I guess when it's a choice between the guy who did JFK and the guy who did... um... some French movie, you go with the guy who wasn't Oscar-nominated.

Worst Screenplay: Catwoman. Well, at least I got one of them. No human can speak or make decisions like those of the characters in the screenplay without being considered at least moderately retarded.

Worst Actress: Halle Berry, Catwoman. Should have gotten this one, but Angelina Jolie with a Macedonian-by-way-of-Siberian accent utterly captivated me.

Worst Actor: George W. Bush, Fahrenheit 9/11. And Michael Medved chokes on his popcorn. I guess Hollywood has someone they hate more than Ben Affleck.

Worst Supporting Actor: Donald Rumsfeld, ditto. I should have gotten this one, too, because, when it's a member of the Bush administration vs. everyone else, the Bushie's gonna win.

Worst Supporting Actress: Britbot, once more. Of course the Razzies would give someone an award for just 30 seconds of screen time, no matter how many women with aneurysms are up for said award.

Worst Screen Couple: Bush and My Pet Goat/Condi, just guess where. Wow, when they hate Bush, they really hate Bush. Well, I got this one, too, so, cool.

Worst Razzie "Winner" of the Past 25 Years: Arnold. Of course. Another notch on my belt.

Worst "Comedy": Gigli. Not even lesbians could save it.

Worst "Drama": Battlefield Earth. And the Fametracker Metric Standard of Suckiness* prevails!

Worst "Musical": From Justin to Kelly. In retrospect, I can totally see this one. Dear Kelly Clarkson and... that other guy: You are not Frankie and Annette, nor will you ever be.

So... five out of thirteen. So much for a career as professional Razzie pool player.

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