Friday, July 30, 2004


An Utter Lack of Respekt

James Broadwater, a Mississippi Republican who lost his attempt to get into Congress, is blaming Da Ali G Show for making him look like a fool when Sasha Cohen, in his role as Borat, interviewed him for a segment.

Then again, when you say stuff like this-

"This stunt pulled by HBO," he concludes, "is just one more reason why I believe that the liberal, anti-God media needs to be brought under the strict control of the FCC, and that as soon as possible."

-aren't you just asking to have the piss taken out of you?


OMG 007 IS SO PRETTY!!!1!111!

Well, if 365Gay's gossip mill is to be trusted, then Orlando Bloom is the new Bond.

The teenage fangirls can't wait to find out who the next Bond girl is. So that they can abduct her and take her place.


Are You Now, Or Have You Ever Been, A Wanker?

Ah, the Catholic Church: a church that showed a lot of progress in the '50s, and fuck-all since. Now, a bishop in Oregon is asking his clergy to sign loyalty oaths- I mean, "affirmations of faith" that confirm that they adhere to the Church's teachings on the sinfulness of gayness, porn, and masturbation.

Well, this is just too much. When they take away our basic right to choke the chicken, what's next? Our right to breathe? Wank free or die! Monkey-spankers of the world, unite!


Oh, How Will I Ever Go on Living?

They're cutting the talent sections from the televised version of the Miss America pageant. My favorite part is the CEOs who are talking about what a tragedy it is, and how the talent section is a cornerstone of the Pageant.

Excuse me, guys? You're putting banging chicks on display for two hours. I don't think mainstream America cares whether they can twirl batons. I mean, sheesh. Balance your priorities.


Dude, What the Fuck is Wrong With German People?

Ouch. Apparently, most Britons still view Germany as the land of Hitler, beer, and soccer.

Don't worry, Germany; we view Britain as the home of tea, boring baseball rip-offs, and Doctor Who, so that should keep things in the balance.


Well, Back to Normal, I Suppose

With the fervor of a herd of elephants suddenly realizing that they left the iron plugged in, the DNC has left Boston. And Menino's turning Boston into a shopper's paradise: free parking and discounts at the Fanueil Hall shops this weekend.

Of course, this happens right at the time when I am flat-ass broke and the Cognito clan is heading out of town for a family reunion. Ah, well.

Speaking of which, I probably won't be updating this blog from 7:00 AM this Saturday up until sometime on Monday after next, seeing as I will be at a resort where their broadband status is somewhat up in the air.

Thursday, July 29, 2004


RNC: Really Not Cognitive

Crank up the Nirvana and tune into 90210, it's 1992 again. Why? Because Jerry Falwell's throwing out the opening pitch at the RNC. (Ganked from Atrios.)

Great. Between him and Santorum (Buchanan 2.0! Now with more bullshit!) at the Convention, the Log Cabin Republicans must feel like red-headed stepchildren. "Compassionate conservatism", my left asscheek.


"No, Mr. Bond, I Expect Your Contract to Expire."

Pierce Brosnan ain't Bond no more. And he had to go out with Die Another Day? Ouch.

Anyway, the article includes a long list of potential Bond candidates. And if there is a just and loving God, then Heath Ledger will quickly find his way off of said list.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004


I Knew It!

Bush and Kerry are making the beast with two backs!

Yet, no. But still, it's fun to dream, isn't it?... No, wait. It's icky and wrong to dream. I'm going to go lobotomize myself. Ta.


Dear God, It's Meta-Porn

Ganked from Beaverhausen Blog.

"Okay, so in this scene, a bunch of firefighters show up at the porn star party..."


Drugs Are Not-so-Bad, Mmmkay?

London's doctors are planning on vaccinating the youth of Britain against drug addiction. Unfortunately, they'll end up puking whenever they hear Beethoven's 5th.


The Very Antithesis of Good PR

I'm beginning to believe that PETA wants the whole world to hate them and eat burgers out of spite. No, that makes no sense, but then again, neither do their methods of getting the message across. Case in point: Your Mommy Kills Animals, a comic book where some kid's mommy kills animals in horrendous fashions to assemble her fineries.

I can't even come up with a good joke for this, it's so fucked up.


And Las Vegas Gets a Little Bit More Normal

Siegfried and Roy, professional tiger trainers and occasional tiger snacks, are never coming back to the stage, says a representative of the Mirage.

Someone is so gonna get fired over Father of the Pride.


If They Remake "Living on a Prayer", Something's Gonna Die

This Eighties dance remake shit has got to stop. I tuned into an online dance station the other day to hear some chicks singing "Heaven is a Place on Earth" over some high-paced beats.

"Heaven is a Place on Earth", for God's sake. I thought stuff like this was punishable in the Hague.


Frankenstein's Gonna Have Rubber Nipples, Isn't He?

I thought we had laws that kept Joel Schumacher five hundred feet from any and all comic book adaptations.


I Like My Beer Cold, And My Homosexuals Flaming!

Who said gay marriage wouldn't have long-reaching consequences? A character on The Simpsons is going to come out of the closet this January when Springfield legalizes same-sex marriage.

My pick: Rev. Lovejoy. He comes out, Helen goes bitchcakes a la Anita Bryant, and he ends up joining the Metropolitan Community Church. Then again, I picked Smarty Jones to win the Triple Crown, so my foresight is somewhat lacking.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004


That Settles It, I'm Going to Georgetown

Following right on the (sparkly sequined high) heels of my earlier comments about Ann Coulter, I present: Annie Has Her Gun, a DC-based drag review about everyone's "favorite" conservative battleaxe.

But then again, isn't Ann Coulter her own female impersonator?


My Computer Hates Me

So, the good people over at C.H.U.D. have finally gotten their hands on a teaser trailer to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, something that I am very, very, very excited about. I try to spend half the morning downloading it, and guess what? My computer spontaneously decides to crap out at some random point during each download. Sometimes it's at 136KB, other times it's at 3.26MB. Either way, the amount downloaded stops moving for quite some time, I bang my head against the desk, and then finally quit.

I return this afternoon, only to download the trailer without flaw. But. Turns out that it is a very specific type of file that can only be viewed with the help of these doohickeys. And guess what happens when I try the free download?

Yep. I'm going to be off crying in a corner before another futile attempt. In the mean time, see if you have better luck than I do.


As Bright Ideas Go, This... Wasn't One of Them

So, when USA Today needed someone to cover the DNC, who did they pick? Why, Ann "Castle Grayskull Will Be Mine!" Coulter, of course! But after reading her first column (which reads like all of her other columns stuck in a blender), the big brains at the paper decided to send that idea the way of Pepsi Crystal. View the carnage here. (WARNING: Not suitable for the French.)


I Don't Think Jacob Used a Folding Chair on the Angel

Y'know, sometimes, you just have to wonder if you're trapped inside a MadTV sketch. Case in point: Ultimate Christian Wrestling.


The Perfect Gift for Grandma!

Showgirls: The V.I.P. Edition. Yes, but does it come with a gift certificate to Versays and orange nipple rouge?

Monday, July 26, 2004


Faster, Kerry! Kill! Kill!

So, now that the DNC has officially started, everyone in the political blogosphere has been commenting on what Kerry needs to win this election and get people behind him. He needs to clarify his stance on issues, he needs to show some charisma, etc. I agree, but you know what else he needs?

He needs to show some teeth and use them to rip out Bush's spine.

Up to this point, most of Kerry's speechifying has been rather bland. Even the talking heads at the DNC have admitted that they're not going to use the convention to attack Bush. Meanwhile, the GOP's "war room", set up right across from the DNC, is quickly attacking Kerry for being "too liberal".

If Kerry wants to show a good chance of getting Bush out, he needs to take the podium now. He needs to take this time, when he has the eyes of a nation upon him, and rip Bush to shreds. He needs to point out how Bush is dividing the nation, how he's making the rich richer, how he's fucked up the war in Iraq, how he's pushing the gay marriage thing to distract everyone, etc. He needs to show that he's not going to be backed into a corner by opponents on the offensive. He needs it. And we do, too.


The Protocols of the Elders of San Francisco?

Andrew Sullivan writes about the FMA, and some of the shittier things said by the Christian right about us icky gays.

One of the notable things is Wayne Allard's statement that us gays want to get married because there is a "master plan" to destroy the institution. It's not the first time I've heard this thesis; James Dobson, head of Focus on the Family, put it forth on Scarborough County one night. But actually, it goes back further than that.

I refer, of course, to The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. For those of you who don't know, the Protocols were a series of anti-Semitic forgeries published by the czar's secret police in early 20th century Russia. The Protocols were "secret documents" allegedly used by world Jewry to ensure the eventual downfall and destruction of Christianity.

Sound familiar? The Christian right can't even find fresh ways to demonize us. They have to refer to a debunked anti-Semitic fake that inspired Adolf Hitler. For the record, when I do get married, I will not do it to "destroy" the institution, no matter how much the screaming howler monkeys on the Christian right say I will. I will do it to solidify the relationship between me and my husband in the eyes of God and the state. I will do it to ensure that my husband and I have all the privileges that straight married couples have, such as hospital visitation rights, tax and Social Security benefits, and inheritance rights.

That is what gay marriage is all about. And don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.


Achy Breaky Milagro

Billy Ray Cyrus.



This is the kind of thing that makes pets explode with its badness.


Of Course. I Mean, There's No Other Possible Reason

Nader's blaming Kerry for sabotaging his campaign, including his attempts to get on the ballots.

"Yes. My credibility is shot all to hell, so... Kerry must be behind it. Yes! It's perfect! And leprechauns! Leprechauns are stealing my underwear!... Get away from me, woman! I don't need my medicine!"

Sunday, July 25, 2004


Hide Your Babies and Your Beadwork!

Courtney Love walks the streets, free on bail until her assault trial. And her drug trial. If she even makes it to either trial.

Even though it's been said, many times, many ways: "Poor Frances Bean."


From Her... Live, Warm Hands?

A woman in Sau Paulo turned in 1300 guns for cash. Charlton Heston is probably throwing things at his walls right now.

Saturday, July 24, 2004


Complex? What Complex?

Sweet. Merciful. Fuck. Sun Myung Moon- yeah, the Moonie guy- declared himself the Messiah in an elaborate ceremony. Held in a Senate building, no less.

This has got to be grounds for a pillar of fire.


And Here I Was Hoping Those Crazy Kids Could Work It Out

World's first same-sex divorce. I'm surprised the far right haven't leapt upon this like dogs in heat.


Elsewhere, Starsky and Hutch Kick Their Tires

The Lamborghini police cruiser. I have never wanted to be an Italian police officer more in my life.


Hollywood: "Look Upon My Works, Ye Mighty, and Despair!"

Baby. Geniuses. 2.

The very fact that this movie exists has converted me to deism.

Friday, July 23, 2004


This Is Battered Women's Syndrome, Isn't It?

There are still some sick, sad gay Republicans who would stand up and support Bush. I have a message for these people:

Who was your last boyfriend, Ike Fucking Turner?

Okay, seriously. I know they consider themselves more-than-one-issue voters who only view their gayness as one aspect of their political whole. I respect that, in a way.

But. When they vote Bush, they vote for someone who marginalizes them, reduces them in importance to some sort of "they", and wants to turn them into second-class citizens. If the people they vote for consider them important, or in this case unimportant, for only one aspect, then why shouldn't they do the same?


We Got Our GayTV

A preview of the programming line-up for LOGO, the first queer TV network. What I see as highlights:

-Dennis Hensley is getting his own series. For those of you who have never read Screening Party, do so. Now. Or I will never sleep with you.
-The Alan Cumming Experience. Y'know, I really hate the term "fabulous", but, just this once... fabulous!

And possible lowlights:

-Margaret Cho gets a series? Great; if this one gets cancelled, we'll be hearing about it and All-American Girl until the sun burns out.

In short, can't wait until Feb. 17th.


God Pisses on Comic Book Geeks, Part II

The trailer to Constantine, wherein Keanu Reeves, America's prettiest two-by-four, plays the blond-haired, British working class magus John Constantine, a man with the balls to give the Devil himself the finger. And in this version, John's buddy Chaz, a fortysomething divorcee cab driver, is played by Shia La-freaking-Boeuf.

One thing's for certain: given the current track record, we can expect an adaptation of Promethea when they pry the rights from Alan Moore's cold dead hands.


God Pisses on Comic Book Geeks

The Transformers movie will be produced by... the guy who did The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen? Nooooo! No! No! No! Why, God? Why-y-y-yy?!?

*here follows five minutes of cursing and puking*


Prepare for Geekgasm

It's official: Darren Aaronofsky is directing the adaptation of Watchmen, and he's using David Hayter's script.

Well, at least we know one DC property that won't be horribly fucked up.


Oh, Glorious Vengeance

Let the Catwoman hateration begin in earnest. Now, I want all my readers to pay very close attention to the names of the critics who gave this movie positive reviews. Why? So that you never associate with them. Ever. Shun them. Shun them like lepers!

Ahem. Sorry.


The Bane of Atkins

Krispy Kreme in a cup. And Homer Simpson comes in his pants.


"Oh, Shit, She's Gonna Talk About Those Gays. Quick, Get the Tranq Gun!"

Certain members of the GOP want Lynne Cheney to shut up about gay marriage when she talks at the Oregon state convention.

Next, they'll suggest she take a nice, relaxing vacation in Stepford, Connecticut.

Thursday, July 22, 2004


Join the Army! See the World! Get Better Tits!

When college scholarships just won't work anyone, the Army hands out free boob and nose jobs to its recruits. Well, it's cheaper than a bulletproof vest, at least.


Rich People are Funny

Rod Stewart buys Britain! Only, not.

It would've been funnier if he'd bought the actual Britain, though. "Dance for me, Queen Elizabeth. Dance!"


Nothing Tastier Than Political Protest

Ben Cohen of Ben & Jerry's is doing something that might be too liberal even for Vermont: touting a mobile effigy of Bush with burning pants.

Sure, it's not exactly dignified, and a bit over-the-top, but seeing as the only other political ice cream option involves flavors like "Nutty Environmentalist", I think I'll go with it.


The Next Step in Monkey Evolution

Chimp starts walking on hind legs, creationists go bitch crazy.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004


Today is Opposites Day, Right?

Jesus, Mary, and Cthulhu. Bush: "I Want to Be the Peace President." (Ganked from Pete.)

Two wars, one of which probably had no reason to occur at all. At least nine hundred US citizens dead in Iraq, in ways ranging from bombs to bullets to decapitations streamed over the Internet. And constant reports on the news about a big terror attack this summer.

"Peace"? Yeah, fucking right.


Ay-rabs! Eek!

This story has been making the rounds on the blogosphere, so I thought I'd address it. A writer for Women's Wall Street took a trip on an airplane with her family- and 14 Syrians. Needless to say, she pretty much thought she would die in a fiery blaze, especially after seeing the Syrians (gasp!) take turns (GASP!) going to the bathroom, apparently to piece together a bomb in turns instead of, you know, emptying their bladders. Then the plane touched down in one piece, the Syrians (who were actually musicians) disembarked, and the writer was relieved. The moral of this story? We need racial profiling.

Now, I won't fault the woman for getting suspicious about the Syrians. After all, the vast majority of terrorist attacks against this nation have been carried out by Middle Eastern jihadists. But, save for the ending, the story reads more like a tale against racial profiling than one supporting it: "Yes, I was on a plane with 14 Muslims. I was scared by their slightest movements, but they turned out to be peaceful musicians. So how about subjecting every Muslim/person of Middle Eastern heritage to a full-body cavity search before they get on a plane?" It just doesn't work.


I'm Sure It Will Be a Hit Among... Movie Stars

The trailer to Paparazzi, Mel Gibson's latest production. A series of thoughts:

-"Okay, famous people. We get it. You suffer. Now stop gazing at your navel and make something we can relate to."
-"Pat McGreal is gonna be pissed."
-"Ooh, pissed-off guy! Taking vengeance! I've only seen these in, oh, half of all the movies Mel Gibson has ever made."

The verdict? Suck.


If Anyone Needs Me, I'll Be In Montreal. Forever.

Evil Dead: The Musical. Awesome. I can't wait to see the loving duet between Ash and his boomstick.


But the Kiiiiids Are Not My Spawn

Michael Jackson is not having quadruplets, apparently.

Thank God. That leaves him with just three kids to horribly traumatize.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004


"Those Homosexuals Are Threatening-- Uh, Son, Could You Just Go Away for a Minute?"

Oh, this is rich. While the RNC will be dedicating a good chunk of its time at the podium towards keeping gays from getting married, one of its bigwigs has a son who will be shaking his moneymaker at gay bars while in town, according to the New York Post.

The only thing that could make this better would be if Santorum ended up reporting this to said bigwig after ", just stopping in for directions."


How Do You Like Them Apples?

Apple brings a faster, cheaper iPod to the market, ready to milk Generation Y for all it's worth.

Somewhere out there, Bill Gates is probably crying into his pillow. And I wouldn't have it any other way.


Always There in the Liberal Newspapers, Waiting to Suck

Now, I know I've said a lot of liberal things on this blog, but I still maintain my status as a centrist. I believe that a policy of fiscal conservatism is wise, and I do hold somewhat Republican views on such social policy as affirmative action (make it need-based, not race-based). One other sign is that I would like nothing more than to kick Ted Rall in the shins.

Rall is like the liberal Ann Coulter: he's offensive, he goes far beyond the bounds of good taste, and his "wit", when not instilling homicidal outrage, is somewhere on par with The Family Circus. Not only can he not draw for shit, but he is the very antithesis of funny. If we stuck him and Jim Mullen in a room, we'd open a black hole of suck.

And there are times when his humor isn't just not funny, it pretty much goes against everything decent and humane. Such incidents include portraying 9/11 widows as greedy media whores and the FDNY of 2011 as rolling in dough and buying stock options en masse, and pissing all over the memory of Pat Tillman, and then later considered himself validated when it was revealed that Tillman died in friendly fire.

Now, Rall's drawing fire from civil rights groups for portraying Condi Rice as an Aunt Tom who calls herself "[Bush's] house nigra".

So, he's abusive, hateful, and occasionally racist. In summary, Ted Rall can choke on my fuck.


Pot, Kettle, You Know the Rest

A course on prevention of homophobia has been banned in Spokane, WA, because some people went crazy. A particularly bizarre quote:

"I cannot approve something that condemns one point of view to promote another," board member Terrie Beaudreau said.

I'm sorry, but... what? Isn't that what the religious right is all about? How gay people are diseased/sex addicts/sinners/alcoholics/drug addicts/child molesters? So, basically, if you're banning something because someone says it promotes a "homosexual agenda", aren't you doing just what you don't want to do?

Monday, July 19, 2004


And Her Farts Smell of Rosemary and Lavender.

Martha Stewart's somewhat dubious attempts to reduce her grueling five month sentence, which include listing such charitable deeds as bringing baked goods to the neighbors and thanking her staff at holiday functions.

You know what would have made this perfect? If she'd just gone ahead and listed "cured the lepers".


The Tortoise and the Hare-Brained Douchebag

Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) is the latest on the "One step towards goats!" train, arguing that gay marriage will lead to men marrying box turtles. Yes, box turtles.

I just don't know where these people get this stuff. The very act of entering into marriage requires expressing consent- you know, that whole "I do" thing? It's pretty fucking difficult to do that when you have a non-verbal species of meager intelligence.


Funny, Usually There's a Videotape Involved in This One

If you're in Nigeria, and you pick up your cell phone, you could DIE!!!!! It must be fun to live in Nigeria. There are witches, vampires, and killer cell phone numbers.


Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck

Proving that those Pythons know how to take the piss out of anything: Eric Idle's "The FCC Song". Now watch as I get fined $507,683,941,702.



See you in Hell, Newlyweds. Maybe now we can be spared from Jessica Simpson horribly fucking up "Angels".


Look! Up In The Director's Chair!

Bryan Singer's directing the Superman movie. I am torn. On one hand, it's much, much better than Michael Bay; on the other hand, this pretty much leaves X3 open to the possibility of sucking rocks.


Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's Modern Art

Sid and Nancy's last hotel room and all its contents goes on display in London.

"And this is their first shared needle." "Oh, how romantic!"

Sunday, July 18, 2004


My Eyes Are Rolling Their Way Towards Canada

Ganked from Wonkette.

According to some conservative guy, the reason the FMA lost was so that conservatives across America could see that the liberal elite is in control.

Or, maybe it lost because everyone realized that rewriting the Constitution for entirely social reasons was a recipe for disaster (remember Prohibition?). Or maybe it was because people thought that, no matter what their views on gay marriage, the document that defines our nation should not be rewritten to encompass social matters. Or maybe- and I'm just guessing here- people thought there was stuff to actually care about besides those nasty gays.


Carl Hiaasen's Writing the News Again, Part II

Assault with a deadly reptile. And people wonder where he gets his ideas.


Law 4: A Robot May Not Act Alongside Will Smith

I, Robot makes $17m on opening day, and Asimov goes into spin cycle in his grave.


And Then My Head Exploded

Dr. Laura rants about how liberals need diversity training after a protest movement shitcanned her plans to lease an office for broadcasting.

I'm sorry, but isn't this Mrs. "I'm Right, and Gays Suck"? And she's talking about tolerance? I fell into Bizarro World while I was asleep, didn't I?

Saturday, July 17, 2004


Oh, As If This Comes As Any Surprise

In a discussion with Martha Nussbaum on the matter of disgust over at Reason, Nussbaum mentions that during Amendment 2, anti-gay forces published materials stating that gay men "drink raw blood".

Hmm. What ever does this remind me of?


Well, It Put Ogdenville, North Haverbrook, and Brockway On The Map

Las Vegas gets a monorail. Yes, sir, nothing like a genuine, bona fide monorail!

I'm sorry. It just begged for gratuitous obscure Simpsons references


How to Make Sure You Are Never Seen Again

1. Start a rap career.
2. Get a contract.
3. On a single from your latest album, blame Bush for 9/11.


Let My People Go, Motherfucker

Val Kilmer is Moses in a musical version of The Ten Commandments.

I have nothing clever to add. I think this just speaks for itself.


If He Starts Talking About Chianti and Fava Beans, Then Look the Fuck Out

What's creepier than a cannibal who fed his girlfriend to the homeless? A cannibal who fed his girlfriend to the homeless and is now reading Gray's Anatomy and Mein Kampf.

So, how long do you think it will take the parole board to turn this one down? Four seconds? Five?


One of Them Is The Antichrist, I'm Sure

Michael Jackson is breeding. And quartuplets are the fruits of his... um, labor.

I thought we had laws preventing him from getting anywhere near any sort of sex organ. Including his own.


Wait, Does Nimue Know About This?

"Merlin" Tried for Shopping With Sword. Oh, yeah. He's sleeping in the cave for this one.

Friday, July 16, 2004


And Andrew Sullivan Plotzes

So Tony Kushner's written a brief play in which Laura Bush reads The Brothers Karamazov to dead Iraqi kids. And who's playing the First Lady? Why, Hedwig, of course!

You know what would make this truly something to behold, though? If Harvey Fierstein played Mrs. Bush. The liberalness of it all would probably open a rift in the space-time continuum and suck us all into California.


Donald Trump's Behind This, I'm Sure

Jorja Fox and George Eads of CSI have apparently been shitcanned for reasons that are... well, kind of suspect. Jorja was fired for apparently not replying to a letter on time after asking for more money, even though her people claimed that she did indeed send the letter. And George was kicked off for not showing up the first day of filming, even though William Petersen and Marg Helgenberger didn't show up either, calling in sick (ahem).

Well, seeing as I was barely hanging onto the show anyway (when you bust out a running cliche twice in one season, there is something definitely wrong), I guess I'll just be finding a new way to fill my Thursday nights. Maybe I'll take up knitting.


She Teaches Hip-Hop At the Baxter Building

Jessica Alba is... Sue Storm? No. Nonononono. NO. Sue Storm is supposed to be intelligent, resourceful, and WASPier than thou. Jessica Alba... well, Jessica Alba starred in Honey, so that oughta say it all, right?

God. This is like casting a Brooklyn tough guy who's a mainstay of mafia flicks as Doctor Doom. Oh. Wait.



I Stick Needles Between My Toes! Happy Magical Fun Time!

Courtney Love: The Manga. And hundreds of thousands of Japanese children shit themselves in fear.

Thursday, July 15, 2004


Well, We Know They're Morally Bankrupt...

FOX Denies Copying Shows from Rivals. FOX executives then insisted that people tune in for their Fall line-up, which includes Cops and Lawyers, Forensic Investigators, and Six People in a Coffee Shop and Unrealisitic Apartments.


I'm a Lovely Shade of Purple

Are you a blue-state or red-state person? Find out here.

Is it just me, though, or do some of the questions require quotation marks interspersed throughout? Dr. Laura is a "psychologist, host of a morality-based call-in talk show"? I can't even say that without dripping sarcasm.


Carl Hiaasen's Writing the News Again

NY call girls get ready for the RNC. Yes, but are they Republican-only call girls?

Wednesday, July 14, 2004


Won't Someone Please Think of the... Child?

Courtesy of the Independent Gay Forum.

So, apparently, Maggie Gallagher has found that children of same-sex parents are really, really unhappy, and therefore there shouldn't be gay marriage. Now, I want you to read that article, then come back to me. I'll wait.

Good. You're done? Now, did you notice anything? No back-up data from reports on the subject? No back-up testimony from any adoption counselors or firms? No- oh, I don't know- testimony from any other children of gay parents?

Ms. Gallagher's thesis seems to be that she's found one child who came out of the gay child-raising process resentful and sullen towards her parents, and therefore the whole thing should be scrapped. By that logic, given the vast number of brooding rock stars who apparently had miserable childhoods being raised by their heterosexual parents, we should all just render ourselves sterile so that our non-existent children don't turn out horribly fucked up. Jesus.


Down in the Ground Where the Dead Despots/Martyrs Go

Israel is at a loss on what to do with Arafat's corpse once he kicks it. While he's expressed wishes to be buried at Al-Aqsa, the Israeli government doesn't want him buried at Al-Aqsa, because that would somehow mean Palestinian gains in the region. However, if Arafat isn't buried at Al-Aqsa, the Palestinians will throw a shit fit, Hamas will take over, and the Israeli government will eventually placate the Palestinians by burying Arafat somewhere that's technically Jerusalem, but not really.

May I make a novel suggestion? I know it sounds like stating the obvious, but why not bury him, oh, at Al-Aqsa? That way, the Palestinians are happy, the Israeli government avoids increased suicide bombings, further unity between moderate Israelis and moderate Palestinians is engendered, and there aren't as many icky hypotheticals.


Say It With Me: "Poor Frances Bean."

Someone finally shipped Courtney Love's ass to an "institution". And she didn't even have to set anyone on fire for it to happen.


Somewhere in the Great Beyond, Freud Just Creamed Himself

Michael Jackson wanted to star in a perfectly innocent movie about a perfectly innocent man who turns into a perfectly innocent car that is driven around by a little boy, tentatively titled "Hot Rod".

Michael Jackson getting ridden by a boy in a film called "Hot [Phallic Symbol]". Yep... sounds like wholesome family fare.


And Now, For Something That Gives Me Warm Fuzzy Feelings

Ganked from Beaverhausen Blog.

In a rare instance, a petition is going around the heterosexuals to aid a gay family. With pretty much no fuss from anyone, save the YMCA, and that seems more like bureaucracy than homophobia. And in Virginia, no less.

See how good things are when (differing definitions of) families get along?


Don't Come On That! It's Italian Leather!

Courtesy of Disinformation.

Apparently, porno studios in LA are renting out suburban homes for their masterpieces. I'm assuming money for dry cleaning bills comes included.


The Very Definition of "Not Getting It"

Even though the FMA has met defeat in the Senate and will likely meet the same in the House in September, even though the American public could care about other things with greater intensity, and even though the only people who are actually following it with interest are the ones who brought it up and the ones who are directly affected by it, the GOP still thinks it has merit. A little bit of verbal diarrhea from everyone's favorite frothy mixture:

"If you support ... a mother and a father for every child, you are a hater. If you believe that men and women for 5,000 years have bonded together in marriage, you're a gay-basher. Marriage is hate. Marriage is a stain. Marriage is an evil thing. That's what we hear," said Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Pa.

First of all, everyone supports that a child have a mom and a dad. The only issue gay people have is that they want support for same-sex households, too. Second of all, I just happen to believe that men and women have been "bonded together" for 5000 years in the institution of marriage. Why? Because it's a fact, not an opinion. The opinion is that homosexuals should be allowed to marry their partners, too. And finally, is marriage is "hate" and "an evil thing", then why the hell would we be trying to get it?

There was a car bomb in Iraq that killed 11 people, a sign of increased insurgency. We found flaws in the very logic in going into Iraq. And people think that the most important issue facing America is a near-death amendment that would enshrine the creation of second class citizens in the very document that represents America, just because people think that the other option is an unproven, shaky hypothesis about men eventually marrying sheep? Pardon the vulgarity, but fuck that.


Dear Vatican: Nobody Cares

A new poll shows that, no matter how much Pope John Paul II bitches about the sanctity of marriage, Catholics care more about real issues, like Iraq and the economy.

Y'know, I ended up leaving the Church because it seemed like everyone in it was throwing a collective shit fit over gay marriage. The Pope talked about excommunicating gays who got civil marriages (meanwhile, the boyfuckers are still in), priests across the nation were talking about withholding Communion from those who thought gay people should get married, and even my own Archdiocese sent a video to all its churches that would have made Focus on the Family's propaganda writers stand up and cheer (see: "The Video").

In short, John Boy et al: People don't care.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004


"You Have Acquired Five Cigarette Burns and Herpes Simplex."

Just when I thought MMORPGs couldn't get any more frightening, they come out with one about rape, bondage, and sexual torture.

See you all on the Gacy server! I'll be "btchkilla2981"!


Now We Can Go Back to Things People Actually Care About

Anti-Gay Marriage Amendment Appears Dead. Now, if you'll excuse me:


Damn, that felt good.


Now, Why Didn't Buffy Fight Pat Robertson?

Interesting, and somewhat frightening, article from the Political Research Associates on Christian Zionism.

So, basically, they want to destroy landmarks that hold great significance to people of other faiths, and use people of a faith that they claim to want to protect as puppets to bring about a fiery apocalypse. Why didn't Joss Whedon think that these guys would make a better villain than the First Evil?


Oh, Sharon. Give It Up.

Actress Sharon Stone Says "Basic Instinct" Sequel Back on Track. Excerpt from the piece:

Stone said that after Catherine Tramell, she would play Lady MacBeth, then make another picture, and another. Then she told reporters, "All right, Mister Verhoeven, I'm ready for my close-up!"

Okay, so that didn't happen. Still. Why is Sharon Stone acting like it's 1992 again?


Now, Why Didn't We See This on Oz?

A London man who went to prison for killing a gay man who made a pass at him was brought back to jail after escaping. Why did he escape? Because he was threatened by the big gang of gays.

Somewhere out there, Tom Fontana is kicking himself that he didn't think of it first.

Monday, July 12, 2004


Mommy, Why Do They Hate Us?

Ganked from Pete.

Just as I rejoice at the fact that the Superman movie might not turn out to be a smoking crater, this happens (scroll down to "Out of the Kitchen").

So they're adapting Green Lantern with Kyle Rayner as bearer of the ring. Good, good... I always thought that Kyle, with his status as confused newbie possessor of a phenomenal cosmic power, would be someone the audiences could latch onto.

And they want to make it a comedy. Uhhh...

And they want Jack Black to play Kyle Rayner.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Does anybody care anymore? Do I have to beat the executives of Warner Bros. with bamboo reeds until they get the idea that people like it when the movies are in tune with the comic books? I mean, say what you will about Daredevil and The Punisher, at least they didn't treat the source material like a five-dollar hooker.


FOX Will Eat Itself

Y'know, I didn't think it could get much worse than Married by America. Then it did. Who's My Daddy?, the new show in development where a girl tries to find out which of 16 men is really her dad.

Hey, wouldn't it be funny if everyone on FOX News Channel bitched about what was going on over at FOX?



McG is no longer directing the Superman movie, and with him goes J.J. Abrams' "Lex Luthor is an alien, too!" script.

It's like Christmas and New Year's in one.


And Bandaids Do Nothing For Cuts!

Abstinence Stressed at AIDS Conference. Fuck that. Fuck that sideways. I don't argue that stressing abstinence and monogamy has helped lower the rate of HIV transmission. However. The assumption is being made that people will just do what they're being told, and not have sex until marriage unless told so. There needs to be some sort of safety net, and if there's no emphasis placed on condoms... well, what are you going to do?

Sorry for lack of content yesterday. Went on extensive day out with family. Had lunch at Wentworth by the Sea up in New Hampshire, went to see Fahrenheit 9/11 with my aunt and uncle, then went back to their place for hot dogs and burgers on the grill. Got back here at about 10, then collapsed into bed.

Saturday, July 10, 2004


Baa! Baa!

Lisa Schmeiser talks at length about the very, very frightening things some social conservatives are saying about the gay marriage debate. Choice quote:

Good riddance."
-- veteran Christian conservative organizer Paul Weyrich, who advocates distracting voters from Iraq by flogging this issue, on running the risk of alienating gay Republicans.

Emphasis mine. I just can't believe some of these people. They actually think that the American public are like sheep, ready to fling themselves rabidly upon whatever wedge issue is dangled in front of their eyes. "Uh, yeah, people are getting killed in Iraq, and yeah, we never found those WMD- but look! Queers, getting married! Ewwww."

Hey, politicians and political advisors? When you start sounding like Gary Callahan, it might be time to call it quits.


File This Under "Fucking Awesome"

FameTracker: The Book.

You will go buy this book. You will make this book a bestseller. You will make it sell so greatly, it knocks The DaVinci Code out of the number one slot, driving Dan Brown to go on a binge of whiskey, cocaine, and hookers.


Why Do All The Interesting Businesses Drive Me To Boycott Them?

I've gone into Urban Outfitters a few times. I know many people think it's too self-conscious and hipstery to merit its continued survival, but I like the style. It's very college dorm, and I was thinking about stocking my inevitable dormroom with said style.

Then, I found out that the president of Urban Outfitters gave serious cash to everyone's favorite fecal matter/lube mixture. The thing is, I really, really want to boycott it, but it's just. So. Pretty.

Ah, well. Maybe I can adopt a Curvers for Choice-type position.


...But I'm Not Ready for an Institution

Another reason I would like the FMA to fail: It would make Chimpy look like a damn fool. Pertinent quote:

Bush singled out Massachusetts' Supreme Judicial Court, which called marriage an evolving paradigm. "That sends a message to the next generation that marriage has no enduring meaning, and that ages of moral teaching and human experience have nothing to teach us about this institution," he said.

So, it doesn't matter that fifty years ago, a white person couldn't marry a black person? It doesn't matter that five hundred years ago, marriage was pretty much used to ensure property contracts? It doesn't matter that five thousand years ago, polygyny was en vogue amongst the men of the Old Testament?

Marriage does have an enduring meaning: Uniting two people in a loving contract before the eyes of a)the state and/or b) God. The finer points of that meaning, however, have been changing throughout history. We can't argue that marriage can't change because "it's tradition," because it has a tradition of change.


Gays? Ew, Cooties!

You know, I've always tried to aim for political centrism. I admit that there are some very good points to traditionally conservative politics, especially fiscally. But this is just too much: Gay Democrats Denounce "Homophobic" Attack on Edwards.

You read that, right? Not just one Republican, not just a group of Republicans, but the freakin' voice of the entire GOP says that Edwards is unfit for VPOTUS just because he thinks queers should get protection for having the shit beat out of them.

The Log Cabin Republicans must be getting good and shitfaced right now.

Friday, July 09, 2004


A Witch! A Witch!

Ganked from the LiveJournal of fellow Mass. resident Pete.

According to Ain't It Cool News, a spec script called Witchfinders has been sold. The script "centers on a group of 17th century witch hunters who are charged with destroying a coven of witches before they flee Europe for a new home in Salem, Mass."

Sigh. As Pete pointed out, this premise has a fuckload of problems. The Salem Witch Trials were the worst religiously-motivated disaster short of the Crusades, the Inquisition, and '80 televangelism. Nineteen people were hung as witches, one old man was pressed to death because he wouldn't say that he was a witch, and even two dogs got the noose for being crones in disguise. So, if the witches flee there after or during the trials, then the film makes no sense; however, if they flee there before the trials, then the film suggests that Salem, Mass. was, indeed, a hotbed of dark magic, and therefore Rev. Parris's shit fit was well-justified.

In short, this has got to be the worst premise for a supernatural whiz-bang action thriller I've ever seen. Well, next to Van Helsing.


And Project Blue Book? Just Vanished Into Thin Air

The Pentagon "regrets" to inform everyone that someone "accidentally" went all Oliver North on Bush's military records.

Right. I think it would have been vaguely more believable had they said, "Aliens invaded the Pentagon, probed us in intimate areas, and took Bush's military records and naked pictures of Janet Reno with them when they left."

Wow. I've said a whole lot of liberal things for someone so centrist. I promise more balance the next time Ted Rall opens his fool mouth.


Oh, Dirty Isis...

Meet Richard Riordan, former mayor of LA. He thought it would be a light-hearted, funny idea to tell a 6-year-old little girl named Isis that her name means "stupid, dirty girl."

This bitch better hope he never meets Osiris in a dark back alley.


Turns Out You Can Change History

Hamilton-Burr Duel to be Reenacted. So, if Hamilton wins this time, does that mean we have to print new $10s with Burr's face on them?


I'm Just a Bill, Sitting on Capitol Hill, About to Get My Ass Kicked

Today beginneth the vote on the FMA. Yes, a vote. Right now. When about half of the country could give a damn about "protecting" the institution, and nowhere close to the required 2/3 of Congress support it.

When this backfires, I am going to fly down to D.C., schedule an appointment with Bill Frist, go into his office, and point and laugh.

Thursday, July 08, 2004


Catshit Crazy

An interview with one of the producers behind the upcoming film version of Catwoman that has absolutely fuck-all to do with Selina Kyle, Batman, Gotham City, or, hell, anything from the DC Universe save the name Catwoman. Some choice excerpts:

"Really, from when I saw what a powerful icon the Catwoman character was in Batman Returns and what strong reactions – you know, Michelle Pfeiffer's portrayal of the character, and just the archetype of the character – what strong reactions Catwoman got from both men and women, I just felt that she deserved to have her own film that was not a sequel to Batman Returns, and not a movie where she was a secondary character but where we really gave her the time she was due and really had an origin story and delved into her as a lead character. I just felt that it was such a rich, complex character and I also felt like it was time, just really in the last couple years, it's really time to have this kind of a female superhero."

Well, if you love Catwoman the character so much, then where in the name of fuck is Catwoman?

"Well, you know, we had a real challenge with Catwoman because as you know fans of these comics are very into being true to the comics. The challenge that we had with Catwoman is there are 12 versions of Catwoman. She was a prostitute, she was a jewel thief, she was an orphan, runaway street girl, there were a lot of versions of her. So, unlike Spider-Man or Batman where there's a pretty clear origin story and pretty clear rules to follow, there are many versions of Catwoman."

"Oh, continuity makes my head hurt so much! Why don't we just make her a Crow rip-off who dresses like Emma Peel run through a wood chipper?"

In response to criticism by people who care:
"You know, listen, I make my movies for the audience, not for myself, so I always listen to what fans say, whether they're online or at screenings or whatever. I always care. The thing that I found confusing – there were two things that I found confusing, by some of the online reaction, was when we got criticism for the costume being too sexy, which I find completely mystifying, because Catwoman is about being sexy, and Halle Berry is extremely sexy and I'm sort of like, "Well, this is a bad thing? What's wrong with her being sexy?" The other is that we didn't stick to the – they felt that we weren't true enough to the comic. But, in response to that I would like to say, "Which version would you have me be true to?" I think we changed her name from Selina Kyle, but that's because part of our Catwoman mythology is that any woman could become Catwoman. Any woman out there could become a Catwoman, based on our mythology, which I think makes her a much more relatable character."

Okay. One: There is a very wide line between "sexy" and "trashy and going against all laws of practicality." Guess which side of the fence this falls on. Two: So any man could become Spiderman, you're saying? Well, by that logic, I'll make him a Pakistani guy in London who has an urgent desire to eat flies! I mean, screw Peter Parker!

I'm sorry. I just hate it when people don't care. God, Keanu Reeves is playing John Constantine, Michael Bay might be directing the Superman movie, and... well, this. Avi Arad must be pissing himself with laughter.


Nothin' Like Good Old Violence, Eh?

A hands-on preview of THQ's Punisher video game. That loud noise you just heard was Joe Liebermann's head exploding.


Hey, It's Better Than Cats

Y'know, now that Final Fantasy has gone all philharmonic, and all the good stuff from Final Fantasy VII is going into a movie, this can only lead to one thing, right?

Final Fantasy VII: The Opera. I am of the school that all opera can be improved by guys named Cid, giant swords, chain guns, and chocobos. Plus, they've already got Sephiroth's theme covered, so the rest'll be a sinch, right?

Or maybe I just need to be slapped. Hard.


One Dead Parrot to Rule Them All

Okay, I want you to tell me, with a straight face, that this is not the greatest idea you have ever heard in the history of comedy.

No? Well, then you have no soul.


Yet Another Sign of the Apocalypse

Police Academy 8.

Police fucking Academy 8.

If anyone needs me, I'll be banging my head against that wall over there.


Are You In Or Are You Out?

Mike Signorile's back at it again, dancing all over the prospect of outing gay Congresspersons who vote on the FMA.

I've long been torn about the prospect of "outing." On one hand, it is a person's choice to make about whether to come out, and some of these people are in positions where it would be wholly uncomfortable. Then again, some of these people are utter hypocrites. Upon being outed, Phyllis Schlaffly's son claimed that the "family values" movement bore no particular animus towards queers, which is somewhat like saying, "Y'know, the Crusaders were really nice to the Muslims in Jerusalem." And I have long suspected that Sean Hannity trolls at sex clubs, and I would love to see that odious fuck self-destruct gloriously.

But, in the end, it comes down to one thing: It's Mike Signorile doing the outing. And, since I find Signorile to be a pretentious jackhole the rest of the time he talks politics, I don't think I should make an exception in this case.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004


Death to Simon Fuller. DEATH!

So, anyway, I'm in Newbury Comics today, flipping through a copy of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, when what sounds like Elton John dying of sleeping sickness while being strangled by a boa constrictor comes over the stereo, singing "Rocket Man".

"God, what is that?" says the girl next to me. Too late, I realize what horror has been inflicted upon me: William Hung.

Yes, William Hung. The American Idol reject whose cover of "She Bangs" made Ricky Martin's look fucking dignified. I thought he would have faded into the ether at this point, but the pain continued.

A playlist, accompanied by my reactions to each song in parentheses:

*"Rocket Man" ("Are they fucking kidding me?")
*"Hotel California" ("God... this isn't just some nightmare, is it?")
*"Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" ("Gagh!")
*Some song from Phil Collins's soundtrack to Tarzan- yes, fucking Tarzan ("*epileptic seizure*")

I was able to retreat from that aural Hell, but not without very deep scars. In short, death to Simon Fuller, death to everyone at American Idol who thought that was a good move, and death to their pets.


God Only Knows

I was flipping through some of Shack's archived material from his journal. He's a great recapper, really funny, and is probably who I'm going to be in 15 years.

Anyway, I read one of his finer works, written right after 9/11 when Jerry Falwell shat all over American unity by claiming that God made the WTC attacks happen because of all the nasty feminists and gays. And it led me to thinking: Why the hell do people like him even worship that kind of God?

Now, I'm a Christian myself, but a very lenient one. I believe that good people of all faiths- be they Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Wiccan, Jainist, atheist, etc.- get into Heaven. Certainly I believe in the existence of Hell and the existence of sin, but only really bad stuff counts as sin, such as murder, rape, theft, and abuse.

The kind of God Falwell and his ilk worship leaves me perplexed. The kind of God who brings plagues upon people just because they love members of the same sex. The kind of God who only lets Christians, and only "saved" Christians, into Heaven, and sends everyone else, no matter how good they were in life, into the Greatest Barbecue Pit in the Universe. And, as seen above, the kind of God who lets planes get hijacked and crashed into buildings because we all don't love him enough. I could just say that they're gigantic gaping assholes who are letting their own sordid views of humanity taint the perception of the Supreme Being.

Then I realize the truth: They're afraid.

They've had this stuff pounded into their heads by their parents, and their parents before their parents, and so forth. They're afraid that no matter how disagreeable they find God's policies, how atrocious they find them, they have to answer to his every beck and call, or else they'll get the slow roast. They may hate what God does, but he's such a tyrant that they have to put on a happy face and say, "Sorry, suckers, God hates you." And what do I say to that?

Bull. Shit.

Let's say, for one minute, that God is some sort of fascist tyrant who tosses people into Hell with reckless abandon. Would you actually go along with that? Or would you rebel, and try to find some other way? If God is really like that... well, would being grouped with Lucifer et al really be such a bad thing?

We wouldn't put up with this shit from Hitler, from Mussolini, or from Stalin. Why should we (wholly theoretically, of course) put up with this shit from God?


Hot For Student

Once again, a female teacher has been arrested for seducing one of her underage students. Hey, maybe they'll get Nicole Kidman to play her in the movie!

Oh, wait.


And People Think It's Sleazy to Hook Up In Bars

Wonkette tells a delicious story of two guys who tried to hook up at an FMA hearing.

Pardon the hyperbole, but wouldn't that be a bit like holding a seder at a pogrom?


And He's Green, Like the Green Party, So... Yeah.

My little brother's watching Spider-Man on HBO this morning. Now, over at FameTracker, they've been talking about subtext in the movies, and one of the topics brought up was how Spider-Man 2 kinda has some Republican messages buried in there. And then it hit me.

The Green Goblin, a raving evil maniac, attacks the military and Big Business.

Think about it.


Kneel Before Corporate Interest!

George Will argues that "Wal-Mart 0wns j00", and that anyone who says otherwise is motivated by "avarice masquerading as altruism."

"Yeah, you! Yeah, old couple who poured their whole life into starting their own business! You're being greedy! So, prostrate yourself before the Brahmin of Big Business." Asshat.


When Ann Coulter Says It, She Can Make Dogs Burst Into Flames

John Edwards is, apparently, a "disingenious, unaccomplished liberal".

I'm sorry, but since when did "liberal" become a curse word? I'm going to start a movement to make "conservative" the new epithet of choice. It already has the same number of syllables as "motherfucker", so there's one thing going for it.


Can't They All Just Get Along?

Now another insurgency group wants al-Zarqawi to get the fuck out of Iraq. Well, if the terrorists can't get along and cooperate, then who can, really?


Empty Chairs at Empty Keyboards

Interesting article about what happens to your online business once you're dead and gone.

What? Oh, come on. Don't look at me like that. That's not gonna happen! I'M IMMORTAL, BABY!!!

...I hope.


Mommy, What's a Filthy Sanchez?

"Glory holes" are now part of the dictionary (ganked from Look for "Cleveland steamer" in the 2007 OED!

Tuesday, July 06, 2004


"Boys on Film" Doesn't Exactly Have the Same Ring to It, Does It?

Fratboys now have an opportunity to get drunk, naked, and homoerotic outside of keggers with "Guys Go Wild".

But why would I pay to watch what I could see on every Saturday night in every fraternity, ever?


Very Good. Now Go Away.

Kerry, Edwards Poised For Campaign Trail. Y'know, as much as I want Bush out of office, and anyone else in... I've heard this news approximately five hundred fucking times in the past few hours. And that's about 495 times too many. I mean, I'm glad for you, Johnny E., but please, News Media, we get it.


Avengers, Fuck Off


Yes, I'm a comic book geek. Mighty proud of it, in fact. So, be warned: Geeky rantings ahead.

As of recently, Brian Michael Bendis has announced his plans to pave over the entire lineup of the Avengers in order to make way for his own line in The New Avengers, in a long arc called "Avengers Disassemble". And, if the previews are any indication... well,it ain't pretty.

You just got done reading that, right? Two established characters, one of whom has been around for, oh, thirty years, get killed off like extras. Tony Stark shows up shitfaced in front of the UN. And Hank Pym is once again characterized as a wife beater despite the fact that he slapped Janet van Dyne once back in the Seventies.

Christ. Why doesn't Bendis just kill them all off by pissing on them until they drown? If I wanted the characters to be utterly destroyed before being killed, I would've hired Garth Ennis to write it.



Holy crap. Gene Mutation Makes Tot Super Strong.

So, who's going to be first to introduce the Mutant Registration Act in Congress? Musgrave? Frist? Santorum?


Hello, All You Happy People

So... um, yeah. Apparently, I meant to post a reply to a post in a blog, and now- I have my own. Well, I was planning on starting one anyway, so what the hell.

Anyway, my name is Justin. I'm a high school student who is currently enjoying his summer break. I am gay, Christian, and- because my social life isn't already screwed up enough- afflicted with Asperger's Syndrome. I'm politically centrist, religiously liberal. And I am just waiting to get out of my dull suburb and wreak some havoc on a private campus somewhere in America.

So, see you later.

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