Saturday, April 30, 2005


The Unknown Candidate

Seriously,who the hell is George Allen?

Oh, that's George Allen. Well, he's not as bad as others; at least he's against making gun companies immune from lawsuits. Everything else, though? Not the most convincing argument for me to vote Republican.

Friday, April 29, 2005


This Just In: Alabama Not Too Deep of a Smoking Crater

Suck on it, Allen. Next time you feel the need to censor anything you disagree with, go read about the rise and fall of William Comstock.


"Cool, the Holy Land's Got Halo!"

Anyone who's spent a fair amount of time on my blog knows that I trust the ideas behind the evangelical Zionist movement as much as I trust Mary Mallon at a company barbecue. Sometimes, though, I have to wonder whether those who claim to stand for the best interest of the Jewish people are even trying to appear concerned for them.

Think about it; William Donohue goes on Scarborough Country and blames the "secular Jews" who "control" Hollywood for why movies "don't reflect American values." Tony Perkins pays the most virulently anti-Semitic politician this side of Lyndon LaRouche a cool $82K for his mailing list. Oh, and then there's that whole matter of, "Yeah, we like you, but when the end comes, 2/3s of you get the slow roast."

It's like... it's like Israel is the kid who's unpopular in elementary school, because of a weight problem or a social problem or something like that. One day, however, he becomes the first kid on his block with an XBox. Soon, one of the cool kids comes over every day, acting like a friend. But he's only there for the XBox. He doesn't care about the unpopular kid, but the sweet gaming goodness. Someday, the kid will sell the XBox, and the cool kid will just abandon him, going off to seek vicarious gaming thrills from another "friend."

How would I know all this? Because, when I was young, I was the cool kid. Okay, maybe I wasn't cool, but my friendships were based entirely on the other kid's toys. I didn't care about them, or their feelings, just their hardware.

It's wrong when an elementary school kid does it. But when adults do it, especially adults who claim to hold themselves to a higher standard, it's just atrocious.


Shifting to the Right... to the X-TREEEEEME Right!

God, I love Reason. I can't think of any other publication that will relate Hilary and Lieberman's slides to the right to Poochy.


Never Mind the Fags, Us Straight White Christians are Being Persecuted!

How in the fuck can one argue that a program implemented to prevent people from saying things like (exact quote) "[I want to] take all the fucking faggots out in the back woods and kill them" violates some Christian students' rights? Without their soul trying to find a new place of residence, that is?

Yes, yes, let's never mind the fact that two students have left the school because they're been threatened with violence, the fact that some students feel clearly icky talking about not issuing death threats trumps that any day! God.

Thursday, April 28, 2005


Children are Awesome

Well, it looks like the WB has decided that horribly fucking up the legacy of Looney Tunes with Loonatics was the worst career move short of the Kinder, Gentler Hitler, and are coming up with "softer" models, spinning it as "those were the prototypes, we swear to God." And who's responsible?

An eleven-year-old boy.

This kid is so going to be the Second Coming of Paul Dini when he grows up.


Those Things That You're Liable to Read in the Bible...

Dear Gerald Allen:

I understand that you're still keeping up the fight to protect kids everywhere from the horrors of gay authors. After all, what are some of the most moving works in Western literature, such as The Color Purple and A Streetcar Named Desire, compared to preventing children from learning about that dirty dirty gay sex?

Still, Mr. Allen, I'm surprised you're keeping up the fight when the Bible itself would be banned under the system. That's right, Mr. Allen; the Bible has positive instances of hot man-on-man action. When it says "David loved Jonathan", it means it; there's nudity, cuddling, and that unmanly crying stuff.

So, Mr. Allen, I salute you, for going above your personal religious beliefs just to protect us from those icky people who want nothing more than complete equality.


Help, Help, I'm Being Repressed!

Dr. Al Mohler, Southern Baptist Theology Seminar: "Our faith good, your faith bad."

Mohler: The National Council of Churches is an open embrace of, frankly, almost every leftist idea that‘s passed along for the last 40 years. I believe they disrespect Christianity. They‘re for the right to abortion. They embrace homosexuality and an umbrella of other things that evangelicals find directly repugnant.

Yes; yes, I can see why an order made up of only 36 distinct denominations would be wholly disrespectful to Christianity.

Dear Mohler: Christ is not a monopoly. If you believe He rose from the grave and cleansed us of our sins, you're a Christian, ideas about buttsex notwithstanding.


Only Six People in the Universe Really Know the Power of this Campaign Ad

Vote Beeblebrox! Because anything's better than the current lot.


Sieg Hello, Sailor!

Yeah, that is quite possibly the lamest title I could come up with combining Nazi stuff and gay stuff. It's early.

And besides, a Spanish cardinal actually said that gay marriage will lead to Auschwitz, so I really think I have more important things to do than come up with a witty headline. Like, say, mail Cardinal Carles some pertinent reading material.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005


How to Tear Apart the Government

So, Bush is officially coming up with a government agency with the ability to kill federal agencies that "aren't producing results." In other words, if the EPA, FDA, or SEC get in the way too much, they're gone. And what is he calling it?

The Sunset Commission.

Goddamnit. I'm really beginning to agree with Thompson; Nixon was evil, but at least he was smart evil. Here, we have a man naming termination programs as if they're something out of Logan's Run. He might as well have called it "The Death Commission." I hate getting fucked by the government, but even worse is the sensation that it's being done by amateurs.


Fruit of the Poisonous Tree

Watch me bust out the legalese!

Well, well, looks like Tony Perkins, head of the Family Research Council, has ties to white supremacy groups, such as having paid David "The JEEEEEEEWS!" Duke $82,000 for his mailing list.

I just love the paragraph that follows that revelation up:

As the emcee of Justice Sunday, Tony Perkins positioned himself beside a black preacher and a Catholic "civil rights" activist as he rattled off the phone numbers of senators wavering on President Bush's judicial nominees.

If that doesn't sound familiar to you, you haven't read enough Vonnegut.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005


You Can't Take the Franchise From Me

It's baaaack...

Yeah, yeah, the trailer hypes up the fact that Firefly was a cult phenomenon just a wee bit too much. Still. Whedon actually managed to stick it to FOX, and it look s like it might be pretty damn decent.

And best of all, I don't think I saw any Book. Shut up, Book.


So, Does That Make Secular Attitudes the Legacy Virus?

God, if I read this article through anything other than the filter of snark, I'm afraid I'd just break in two.

Still, it's fun to hypothesize where everyone falls on the X-Men scale of moral righteousness. I'm calling Andrew Sullivan as Northstar; he's gay, he's oft-ignored, and he'll probably get mercilessly slaughtered by a madman if the far right ever gets their way.


I'd Joke, But I'm Busy Fuming

If you want to imagine the future, imagine a middle finger being waved in a human face for all eternity...

I can't find any other solution: this entire war was based on haugtiness, ego, and a testosterone overdose. We went to war based on the flimsiest of evidence, supplied to us by a guy named "Curveball" (which inspires as much trust as Syphillis Sally down at the bordello), that turns out to be completely false. We had absolutely no plan for what would happen after that statue of Saddam fell over. Parts of Iraq still lack basic utilities, and what was once the most secular nation in the Islamic world- so secular, in fact, that bin Laden had a raging hate-on for Saddam- has become a hotbed of insurgency and extremism.

Yes, I'll agree, Saddam is out, and Iraq finally has democracy, and that is good. But you know what? Colin Powell didn't go before the UN and testify about Iraq's lack of the freedoms inherent to every man. He got up there and talked about chemicals and nukes.

We, the American public, have had one pulled on us. The real question is, now will we finally do something about it?


Why Do Birds... Suddenly Appear...?

Look, George. I'm not asking that you spurn the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia. After all, he's meeting to discuss how to cut down terrorism, so I can understand you politely relating with the head of a country that blocks women from doing a bunch of shit and arrests and tortures people for "acting gay".

But for God's sakes, man, do you have to hold hands like you're twitterpated?

No, really, George. Best of luck. Hope you get to second base with the head of the country where they stone women to death.


We See: a Deal with the Devil...

Can anyone give me any rational reason why Microsoft has Ralph Reed on retainer? No? I didn't think so.

The worst part is, Linux sucks, and you can't play anything on a Mac, so I have to stick with my goddamn Microsoft OS. Damn you, Gates.

Monday, April 25, 2005



Well, isn't that special. The US government managed to get the UN's human right investigator in Afghanistan fired after he filed a report criticizing the US military's top officials for the treatment of suspected terrorists. Oh, but that's not the best part. Here's how they did it:

The UN eliminated Mr Bassiouni's job last week after Washington had pressed for his mandate to be changed so that it would no longer cover the US military.

So, it's not as if the military didn't like the way the UN official was looking at them, and decided to risk getting someone who'd look the other way. No, they got him fired by making themselves immune from international criticism on the matter.

What the fuck happened to America?


Don't... Don't Even Show Me the Fucking Flying Monkeys

What the fuck did they do to Dorothy Gale?

Todd McFarlane deserved to go bankrupt. Hell, I think he deserves the personal reinvention of the debtor's prison for shit like this.


Your Own Personal Representative for Jesus

Hey, Travaglini has his own priest! He should feel honored; throughout history, it's been people like the Medicis who have had their own priests. Oh, except, wait, this one's shouting things at him...

Let the healing commence!

Sunday, April 24, 2005


Deep in the Heart of Texas, Part 2: Remember the Other Alamo!

So, last we left, Brother Cognito was sick, and that which we had been looking forward to all vacation appeared in jeopardy. Fortunately, he quickly got well and soldiered on, and we were all able to head off to that sparkling pearl of Austin...

The Alamo Draft House.

If you have never been to this place, you should go- especially if you live in the Austin area. It is the quintessential art house. It shows a buttload of documentaries, weird foreign monster movies, cult movies such as The Big Lebowski and The Princess Bride, and the occasional new release (they're gonna be giving away free Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters when Hitchhiker's Guide premieres). They also sell T-shirts. Lots of T-shirts, primarily movie-based with some anti-Bush and Hot Topic-style punk stuff mixed in. I picked up a ZombAid T-shirt before the movie started.

We were there to see The Sinus Show. The Sinus Show is basically the Alamo's take on MST3K (the official title is Mr. Sinus Theatre), with three local improv comics sitting in the front row and tossing out comments at the screen. The agenda for the night was a selection of John Travolta movies, so the Cognito Clan was much excited.

We entered the theatre at 6:15, where we took our seats and a waitress took our drink orders (oh yeah, and they serve food- more on that later). Instead of showing ads before the film started, the theatre showed clips from other features on mute, while a prearranged soundtrack was blasted over the soundsystem. We saw clips from a weird Barbarella rip-off, music videos by Run-DMC and The Clash, appearances by T. Rex on some American Bandstand-esque show, and something that will haunt me until the day I die.

A young, shapely blond woman (who, through discussion with our neighbors, we decided was Raquel Welch) striding about Mesoamerican ruins dressed like the high priestess of a religion where they did a lot of peyote. We didn't know if she was talking, acting, or singing. Oh, and she was surrounded by people dressed as the signs of the Zodiac.

Seriously. No, seriously. You haven't lived until you've seen a woman wearing the most serious expression on her face and a Libra costume where the tip of the balance covers her head. I was stuck somewhere between primeval awe and unending fits of giggles. And then people dressed like the Aztecs showed up. All I know is, when I die, that will probably be the last thing I see before I cross on to the other side.

Then came the trailers, which made me wish I could stay in Austin forever, just for the showings of The Big Lebowski at bowling alleys where they serve free White Russians. I mean, I don't really want to adopt kids, do I?

After that, the movie- or, rather, assemblage of film clips- proper started. The collection was varied, from the good (Pulp Fiction, Saturday Night Fever), to the bad (Perfect, The Boy in the Plastic Bubble), to the earth shattering (Battlefield Earth), to the slightly uneasy-making (some tape about how Scientology has to pimp itself to celebs, y'all!), to the just plain questionable (some movie where John Travolta watches women making asses of themselves for a Chippendale). The jokes were great (upon seeing the "Sissy" license plate in Urban Cowboy, one of the comics cracked, "Oh, that's Rick Perry's car!"), and mixed with some good skits (including a very disturbing striptease by all three comics to play on the aforementioned Chippendales movie) and a sing-along during the Grease segment where absolutely none of the males would sing along with Danny Zuko.

My one bone of contention was the food. The fries were good, sure, as were the fried pickles (even though I prefer fried slices to fried wedges), but my initial draw to the Chicken Pesto Sandwich overruled the part of my brain that was saying I should never order a sandwich with olives in it. It was both salty and cardboardy. Had I gone with my previous choice, the Chicken Alfredo Pizza, however, I'm sure the evening would have been perfect.

So, after the Drafthouse, we went home, crashed, woke up the next morning, packed, and flew home. Some day, however, I shall return to Austin... and its glorious, glorious theatres.


News on the March

Because while I was away, the world went on. So, as far as I can gather:

-Ratzinger hates us out of the gate. Anyone else hear a rumbling in the distance?
-Ann Coulter hit the cover of TIME. Why do people still treat her as if she matters?
-Well, Austin was a great place to visit, but I might not get to live there.
-L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center: "Give us back the award, you profit-driven fuckmonkeys." Brilliant.


Deep in the Heart of Texas, Part 1: Yee-[Hoarf]

So, last Saturday, the Cognito Clan headed down to Austin, Texas, for our April vacation. It got off to a bit of a rough start; I left my bag, with all my clothes, toiletries, etc., on our initial flight. We were able to retrieve it on Monday, but I had to subsist on my brother's clothes until then.

As we pulled up to our house on the edge of New Braunfels, we all thought, "This is what the vacation site raved about?" Then we say the back. The guy who owned the house, Merl, had basically assembled everything and anything he could out of mortar, pipes, tin, and the refuse of a lifetime's garage sales and flea markets. The effect was awesome.

The first few days, we hung around with our relatives from San Antonio, who had heard of our plans and decided to rent the apartment adjacent to our house. That night, we ate at the Grist Mill in Gruene. The restaurant itself was great, but the food wasn't up to what we were expecting. The town, however, was that bit of Red State Americana you just can't get up in Massachusetts. Why don't more small towns up here have general stores?

Monday, we went into Austin, retreived my bag, and bummed about. We went to a museum about the history of Texas, ate at Hut's Hamburgers (as recommended jointly by Jon Stewart and TWoP forum posters), and drove around UT Austin, which Brother Cognito considered possibly attending. We also visited HEB's Central Market and Whole Foods, and if you don't think supermarkets can inspire awe, you have never been to these two. God, the cheese aisle alone... I ended up taking home a jar of White Chocolate Wonderful that will no doubt turn me into Kirstie Alley, but it's tasty, so who gives a fuck. That night, we went to Lockhart, TX, for the kind of Texan barbecue that's world famous. Indeed, it was.

Then came the night, and the first signs of distress. At around 1 AM, I woke up with pains in my stomach. I ran to the bathroom, pooed, and returned to bed- where it started again, not two minutes later. So this cycle continued for two fucking hours: me feeling a pain, me running to the toilet, me gingerly returning to bed, me feeling a pain again, me cursing God, lather, rinse, repeat.

The next morning, we drove about Hill Country, ate at a nice Mexican place, and visited a spring. We stayed up to watch The Daily Show after we heard that Ratzinger had been declared Pope. Then the real "fun" started.

As I was lying in bed, thinking about X-Files episodes that never happened involving Mexican street gangs and La Santa Muerte (this is what happens when my mind wanders), I began to feel stomach pains, which only got worse. Finally, I ran for the bathroom, and tossed. Only to have it happen again- twice- within the next hour. Then the fever chills started.

Thus began the Carnivale of Symptoms. Stomach-ripping nausea, chills, chills and fever, weakness, fatigue (well, that was mainly the product of staying up all night hunched over the toilet, but still), higher fever, and another bout of vomiting for good measure (after I'd tried to force down the only food I'd had for eighteen hours: an English muffin with cream cheese). The next morning, however, I was all better.

Because it had jumped to Mother Cognito.

The next day, Brother Cognito was the one who was sick. But would he get better in time for what we considered the crowning part of the vacation? Find out in our next episode!

Saturday, April 23, 2005


Oh, Bill. And You Were Almost Over the "Evil" Jokes, Too.

Okay, I know I just spent a week away from the news. I should be easing back into political activism. I know I should be relaxing and maintaining the illusion that all is well.

But seriously? Fuck Microsoft. Fuck them right in the ear.

I see Linux in my future.

Oh, and I promise a full Austin recap tomorrow morning.

Friday, April 15, 2005


Onward, Christian Suckers

Dear Bill Frist:

I am a Christian. Yes, I know, the concept that I am a Christian, gay, and pragmatically left-leaning is probably causing your brain to explode as we speak, but let's ignore that for now. I have been educated, I have been baptized, I have been confirmed. I believe that God created the earth, looks over us all (but without directly interacting). I believe that Jesus Christ came to Earth to cleanse us of sins and to teach us the way to live.

I also believe that, as Christians, we should listen to other people's fucking opinions. And without deeming them "enemies of faith". Because, y'know, maybe there's a Jewish kid in the classroom who doesn't want to start his school day with a prayer to Jesus Christ, ever thought of that?

So, Bill, please, get over yourself.

By the way, I'm going to be in Austin on vacation for the next week, so I'll be blissfully unaware of all this shit.


Morally Bankrupt

So. In case you haven't heard it from the rest of the liberal blogosphere, Congress decided to shit on the poor today. Not only did they make it harder for people to declare bankruptcy, but they also voted down 35 amendments by the Democrats that would exempt returning soldiers (support the troops!) and victims of identify theft from the bill, and made it so that those in bankruptcy have to pay for credit counseling while trying to recover.

What's that movie where corporations take over the world? Because we're in it.

Thursday, April 14, 2005


Come and Get It

Tom DeLay has given everyone express permission to go after him (ganked from Wonkette). Okay, so he didn't officially douse himself in steak sauce and jump into a pit of coyotes, but he did say this:

Not zealous. I blame Congress over the last 50 to 100 years for not standing up and taking its responsibility given to it by the Constitution. The reason the judiciary has been able to impose a separation of church and state that's nowhere in the Constitution is that Congress didn't stop them. The reason we had judicial review is because Congress didn't stop them. The reason we had a right to privacy is because Congress didn't stop them.

I've got a steady belief regarding politicans who believe that the American people have no right to privacy: You'll allow the government to come into our homes without a warning and for whatever purpose? Fine. Then you obviously won't mind when we look into your credit history, your college record, your business dealings, your "gifts" from corporations, your questionable relations with members of the opposite/same sex...

Don't you love it when invasion of privacy cuts both ways?


Death is No Release... From Petty Bitching

So, apparently I found this amusing line of CafePress clothing from the people at Little Green Footballs. For the unitiated, LGF is what one would deem an "Ultrazionist" blog, regularly demeaning the entirety of Islam by putting an "ironic" "TM" next to "Religion of Peace" and referring to Palestinians by somewhat unflattering names ("Palesimians", anyone?). So, you may be wondering about the juxtaposition of a CAT bulldozer and "got syrup?"


It's a Rachel Corrie joke.

These people are dicks, douches, and ghouls. Not to say they're an unique brand of ghoul, or they're ghouls because their politics are right-of-center. No, they're ghouls for the same reason that Ted Rall is a ghoul; they can't stand that a person died for something they disagree with in an extremely violent fashion while not doing anything criminally wrong, so they ridicule and mock that person, hoping that everyone will agree with them and not think they're a monstrous assnut.

And you know what? It really isn't working.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005


You Damn Liberal Kids Get Off My Lawn!

Rush Limbaugh hates the youth of America; apparently, we're too busy giving each other oral sex to form opinions about the state of the world. And while I'm glad to see Rush is trying, I get a blowjob merely on a fortnightly basis (kidding, Mom; you can stop having an aneurysm now).

Meanwhile, Atrios is suggesting that the youth of America take a break from all the fellatio and talk to the FCC.


Barney Boffs Bedrock

Damn you, Kevin.

No, I did not click that link; I'd prefer to maintain my sanity, thank you. But the mere concept makes me want to remove certain areas of my fleshy brain with a meat cleaver.


What Size Robe Do You Wear?

James Dobson: "Chief Justice, Imperial Wizard- same diff." Yeah, I'd like to see Dobson go into the NAACP, compare the same Supreme Court that set the stage for civil rights advances such as Loving v. Virginia to the apex of hatred in America, and just try to walk out with all his teeth.

In other parts of the Depths of Insanity, Rick Santorum has called Democrats' oppositions to the nuclear option "out of control". So, trying to preserve checks and balances is obstructionist, but citing Stalin as the great authority on uppity judges is rational. Hey, Rick, can you tell us what the weather is like in Bizarro World?


C is for Calorie, and That's Bad Enough For Me

Cookie Monster loses the... cookies, in order to teach kids about proper health. Huh. Strangely enough, Oscar the Grouch has yet to trade in his garbage can for a nice duplex on the Upper West Side.


The Truth is Out There

It's really fucking out there.

Now, let me get this straight: this is a response to a day where hundreds of thousands of queer youth call attention to the fact that they are beaten up and insulted in school, meant to designate the fact that gayness is icky, gross, and worthy of derision... and they're trying to tell me it's meant to be "peaceful and respectful"? Yeah, and I'm Mary, Queen of Scots.

By the way, if you're a teen, and haven't signed up to take part in the Day of Silence, it's not too late. Just be silent all day today (it's admittedly an easy out for me, because we have a half day); someone will get the drift.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005



When the revolution comes, I will be known as Brother Neutron Bomb of Courteous Debate. What will be your Unitarian Jihad name?


All I Wish I Could Ever Say, and More

Everyone, go and read this letter. It's sad, it's frightening, it's maddening, and it basically tells everyone what the hell this "fight for marriage" is supposedly all about. Go. Now.


Death is Not an Option: Hillary Hunt Edition

Let's see: do I choose the gay Republican fixer who worked for such "luminaries" as Jesse Helms and who is steadily constructing a campaign to take down Hillary Clinton, or Bill, who dismisses Finkelstein as self-loating while he suggested throwing gays over the rail in order to get elected?

Hmm. I choose the hot taste of death.

Monday, April 11, 2005


And Now, Some Tasty Justice

Imagine, if you will, a jail cell, somewhere in Virginia. A man is adjusting to his first night in prison, not knowing what to expect. Suddenly, his large, somewhat intimidating roommate turns and says, "Y'know, I've been paying reeeaaalll close attention to those penile enhancement e-mails..."


Scamper, Crooked Conservatives, Scamper!

Rick Santorum: "Tom DeWha?" Y'know, if the Democrats drive this home, it might be the second thing they've actually, well, done since being elected.

On an slightly unrelated note, I would like to discuss a new political term for these so-called Republicans like DeLay, Frist, and Bush. We could call them conservative, but that would be an insult to true conservatives, who actually dislike government meddling in private lives and egrgious flaunting of the deficit. Therefore, I call these men Selfists- politicians devoted to the betterment of one's self, as long as it's not too egregious in the eyes of the law. And yes, that could technically be considered Objectivism, but if I called it that, Ayn Rand would spin in her grave so fast that the Earth would split in two.

Sunday, April 10, 2005


Give Peace a Chance

That means don't try to charge the fucking Temple Mount in a bullheaded attack against some sort of moderate agreement that might actually bring peace to the region.

It is extremely sad that this weekend served as a flashback to the worst days under Arafat. Hopefully this is just an isolated incident, and Revava will find themselves about 9900 short come July.

Saturday, April 09, 2005


Cognitive Dissonance? Huh? What?

This is unbefuckinglievable. Arthur Finklestein, a longtime GOP consultant, has married his longtime partner, with whom he shares two children. That's not hypocrisy in and of itself; there are plenty of gay Republicans, many of whom choose to work with moderate politicians like Chafee, McCain, and Kolbe.

Here's where the headache kicks in:

Mr. Finkelstein has been allied over the years with Republicans who have fiercely opposed gay rights measures, including former Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina...

Now, pardon me for asking, Arthur, but what the fucking fuck were you thinking?

Jesse Helms is a man who is damn near the devil incarnate.He's a man who thought that AIDS is God's judgment for people like him, a man who actually responded to a grieving mother who wrote him and said that yes, her son did deserve to die of some horrible disease just because he engaged in buttsex.

And this man worked for him?

Mr. Finkelstein has regularly described himself as a libertarian who supports same-sex marriage and abortion rights while opposing big government. In an interview with Maariv, an Israeli newspaper, after the American elections last year, he criticized the Republican Party as growing too close to evangelical Christians, warning it could cause long-term damage to the party.

Ah... buh... beh... gah... guh... mah...

Sorry. That last statement by the man who worked for Jesse Fucking Helms just caused my brain to shut down.

I wish this man the best of luck in married life. But I also want him to think long and hard about all the people like him he has helped others step on to get where he is.


The Only Good Judges Are In the Book of Judges

Good God. The religious right has gone so far over the edge that the edge is a dot in the distance (ganked from John):

Ominously, Vieira continued by saying his "bottom line" for dealing with the Supreme Court comes from Joseph Stalin. "He had a slogan, and it worked very well for him, whenever he ran into difficulty: 'no man, no problem,' " Vieira said.

The full Stalin quote, for those who don't recognize it, is "Death solves all problems: no man, no problem." Presumably, Vieira had in mind something less extreme than Stalin did and was not actually advocating violence.

Um, yeah. Presumably. [cough]

Not only is this advocating violence, it's hypocrisy on the basest level: a man who is railing about "judicial tyranny" keeping God out of the public square is citing Joseph Fucking Stalin. You'd think a "man of God" would realize that a genocidal oppressor of religious freedoms and civil rights would be the wrong person to turn to for political advice. Then again, that is assuming people like Vieria think independently.

Friday, April 08, 2005


Just Wait Until He Goes Up Against the Spectre

The Incredible Popeman!

We so deserve a good smiting. And how does one fight against evil with their mighty "chastity pants"?

On a completely unrelated note, my new drag queen name is Chastity Pants.


And Ecclesiastes Tells Me Where to Find Diamonds

If P.T. Barnum were still alive, I'd say he was behind this article about a born-again Christian who claims that Deuteronomy will tell him where to strike oil. Alas, he's been a mouldering corpse for the better part of two centuries, so I must put it down to fundamentalism.

"Most blessed of sons be Asher. Let him be favoured by his brothers and let him dip his foot in oil," Brown quotes from Moses's blessing to one of the 12 Tribes of Israel in Deuteronomy 33:24.

Yes. Yes, it totally makes sense that when people without deep drilling machinery living in the early centuries AD refer to "oil", it means "petroleum" and not, y'know, "olive oil", which came in abundance from Greece, which was totally adjacent to the region, and-


Sorry. It's just that rationale was so devoid of logic, it actually served as a vacuum.


Watch as My Head Explodes

Goddamnit, I hate viral marketing. It's all fun and games until someone pokes their own eye out in frustration.

And that someone is usually me.


I Heart New York

Well, despite all of Bloomberg's "I'm appealing for my gay friends, and not to cover my own ass! Seriously!" bluster, it looks like New York is gonna have gay marriage.

Meanwhile, Pat Robertson waits for the smiting to commence, and gets hard thinking about it.

Thursday, April 07, 2005


Law and Disorder

Please, someone tell me why Bernard Fucking Law gets to lead one of the Novemdiales masses and is not in some Massachusetts prison cell getting to know his boyfriend better.

If the Vatican had its head any further up its own ass, it would be emerging through its own mouth. Don't ask me how that works; it just does.


Never a Dull Moment

So, yeah. An SUV just flipped on its side right in front of our house.

That's something that doesn't happen every day.


They Have Senators, But We Have... Celluloid!

So, in the upcoming debate about the "nuclear option" that will completely buttfuck representative politics as we know it, the Republicans and Democrats are pretty much staring each other down. What, oh what could give Democrats the edge to preserve a government that does not allow one side's views to completely preclude those of the other side?

Could it be... Flash animation?

Yup; Flash. That's what one liberal group came up with. Not a petition, not a televised ad campaign, but a Flash cartoon featuring one Phil A. Buster. If it weren't so real, I'd swear it was a Moment of Zen on The Daily Show.

I'm going to go bang my head against a wall for a moment.


Remember, Senate Republicans: A Shredder is Your Best Friend

Oh, look. Turns out the "Teri Schiavo is politically tasty" memo was totally real. Hey, do you think we'll ever hear the hundreds of conservative commentators who blamed Democrats apologize fully?

Yeah. I thought so, too.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005


There Are Other Issues in the World, But None More Important

Dear Michael Bay:

Step the fuck away from Optimus Prime, motherfucker.

Sorry, the geek in me was just calling out for justice.


Gaze Upon the Carnage!

First Dick Cheney rips DeLay a new one, now Matt Drudge is lined up to reveal something big about the guy. I do believe we've found our scapegoat.

Meanwhile, it turns out that DeLay wasn't the only DeLay getting cash. And no one can argue that someone put the wrong name on the campaign contribution envelope on that one.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005


Seven Naughty Words, Twenty to Life

Because televisions don't burn as well as books, the next best thing you can do is throw those who show indecent material in jail, says Rep. James Sensenbrenner.

So, let me get this straight: a conservative organization makes up 99.9% of complaints filed with the FCC, one of the Senate's longest-serving Republicans wants to expand the FCC's reach to satellite radio and pay cable, and now, a Republican representative wants to have people put in prison for saying "fuck" on TV. Well, it was nice to be able to think independently while it lasted.


Broadcast in Skankovision

Now, instead of relying on the "lying tabloids" for the latest sleaze on Mrs. Britney Federline, we can go straight to the source. Joy.


Welcome to Gilead, Part 2: The Reconstructioning

Good fucking God. This is the language of a bill that has been introduced to the House:

Constitution Restoration Act of 2005 - Amends the Federal judicial code to prohibit the U.S. Supreme Court and the Federal district courts from exercising jurisdiction over any matter in which relief is sought against an entity of Federal, State, or local government or an officer or agent of such government concerning that entity's, officer's, or agent's acknowledgment of God as the sovereign source of law, liberty, or government.

There, right there, is a bill saying that everyone must recognize that government comes from God. Not the people, not the Founding Fathers, but God. Because atheists don't matter.

And what, pray tell, happens if one goes against the bill?

Provides that any Supreme Court justice or Federal court judge who exceeds the jurisdictional limitations of this Act shall be deemed to have committed an offense for which the justice or judge may be removed, and to have violated the standard of good behavior required of Article III judges by the Constitution.

In other words, if you recognize that, hey, maybe a book that decries, at certain points, lobsters, long hair, and polyblends, isn't a good source of determining law, then you're out on your ass.

There's probably very little chance this bill is going to pass. But the fact that these men have the fucking nerve to even suggest turing the US into a theocracy is frustrating. And the scariest part is, why does no one care?


Judge Not...

Oh, dear God. Forget inferences of violence in the statements of members of Congress; now we've got conservative Congressmen who are blaming judges for violent crimes against them.

Fuck them. Fuck them all. I'd like to imagine them being flung back in time to the 1950s. Would they tell the Supreme Court Justices that any death threats they received due to Brown v. Board of Education were justified?

Then again, I wouldn't put anything past John "Man and Box Turtle!" Cornyn.

Monday, April 04, 2005


This Just In: Frank Miller is The Beast

Dear Matt Drudge:

We have a pill for that now, Matt. Please take two.


Does FOX News Crap in the Woods?

Bill O'Reilly hearts the Pope... but only when he's dead. When he's alive, he's somewhere around fifth on the Axis of Evil Countdown.

God. You'd wish that someone other than Al Franken and five hundred blogs would point out that this guy changes positions faster than a Kama Sutra flipbook.

Sunday, April 03, 2005


DeLay is Fucked, Part the Second

When Dick Cheney and Ted Kennedy agree on the same issue, something is very wrong indeed.

And speaking of Tom DeLay, go read Bilmon's fucking hilarious "Hostage Crisis". With a special guest appearance by Fox Mulder!

Saturday, April 02, 2005


I Have No Witty Headline

The Pope is dead. I hope him the best in the life beyond. He may have done a few things that weren't on the up-and-up, but we should pay him some respect for now.

Now comes the interesting part: Who's next? And, if he's just as conservative as John Paul II, how long until the inevitable schism?


I Hear the Sounds... of Silence

I want to kick Peter LaBarbera in the testes so hard that they come flying out of his mouth.

Americans For Truth President Peter LaBarbera said today that the day "simply does not go far enough - and called for extending the idea to a "Decade of Silence" for pro-gay advocates in our nation's places of learning."

"Parents are sick and tired of pro-'gay' liberals using the trusted school environment to promote homosexuality and gender confusion as normal to impressionable children," LaBarbera said.

LaBarbera also said that he believes the majority of American parents support him.

"Whether it's a lesbian teacher 'coming out' to her first-grade students, or a homosexual instructor telling his class that it makes no difference if children have 'two daddies' or a mom and a dad, the answer is the same: we need more silence from the radical homosexual education lobby," LaBarbera said.

Fine, then; I'll stay silent when someone beats the shit out of me for being gay. A gay teacher will stay silent when they hear a kid call another kid a faggot. And some kid with two dads or moms will stay silent when honestly asked about his family life.

You don't like us gay people talking, LaBarbera? Then get a fucking set of earplugs.

Friday, April 01, 2005


My Second Step Towards World Domination

Okay, so, back in December, when I was drunk on the joy of getting into my first choice for college, I said I'd gotten into Emerson's Honors Program. I was wrong. I had merely found out that I had gotten into Emerson, and that they wouldn't announce Honors until April.

Now that that little correction is out of the way, I have an announcement:

Now I'm in the Emerson Honors Program. Which means half off the tuition.

You may resume bowing.


In Fucktardry, All Things Are Possible

If you had asked me a year ago about how I'd be actively encouraging Jerry Falwell to get better, I would have laughed you out of the room. Then you throw Fred Phelps into the equation, and suddenly I'm putting him in my prayers.

I honestly believe I could transmute lead into gold if it would spite that pitiful old bastard.


No, Not That Kind of Brotherly Love

The American Family Assocation of Pennsylvania finds out about Equality Forum celebration, throws bitch fit. Money quote:

This is another attempt by homosexual activists to rewrite history and is a slap in the faces of our Founding Fathers.  There is no doubt where our Founding Fathers stood on the issue of homosexual acts.  Laws in the Thirteen Colonies concerning those engaging in such abhorrentbehavior  ranged from confiscation of property and jail time to hanging.  Thomas Jefferson authored a Virginia bill that required 'removal of the offending member' -- castration.

Yeah, well I can name something else Thomas Jefferson advocated, too. And since when as the AFA given two shits about the personal opinions of Thomas Jefferson?


The Salad Plate at the Olive Garden in Hell

Pat Buchanan and Caesar dressing has to be the skankiest salad the world has ever seen. But, to be fair to Buchanan...

After he was hit, Buchanan cut short his question-and-answer session with the audience, saying, "Thank you all for coming, but I'm going to have to get my hair washed."

You see, Ann Coulter? That's how you respond to being pelted with assorted foodstuffs.


Hey, Remember When We Had Three Branches of Government?

Good sweet mother of Christ. DeLay, Santorum, and their ilk really do want to tear down the judiciary branch*. Because if it doesn't agree with you, then it must be pure evil.

As Shakespeare's Sister put it far more eloquently than I ever could, the courts aren't supposed to bow to the legislative or executive branches. Remember all that "Let the people vote" shit we saw after Goodridge v. Massachusetts? Wasn't the first time; can you guess which ruling people were trotting that shit around after? It was Brown v. Board of Education.

This is the way the government works: the legislature defines the will of the people (be it their constiuents, their selves, or their moneyed interests) via bills, the president sees which bills aren't too ludicrous, and the judiciary defines which bills go against the Constitution. Those who cry, "Judicial tyranny!", are of the belief that if you can't control it, it must be destroyed. And that is what true tyranny is all about.

*Oh, and the vast majority of judges in the Schiavo case? Were appointed by Republicans.

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