Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Bitter Fruits Take to the Vine

The Oscar noms are up, and we all know what that means: that yesterday, the nominations for the Golden Raspberry Awards, chosen by Discordia as her new favorite fruit, were announced. And here they are, although not in a rather convenient format.

An initial observation: Wow. They... really didn't like Dirty Love, did they? I mean, it's pretty obvious that anything written by a Playboy model and starring members of Sum 41 is not going to be His Girl Friday, but Jesus. You'd think they could throw a little more shit Uwe Boll's way.

And, once again, here are my picks for the winner:

Worst Screenplay: Hmm... a bunch of fine choices. Of all of them, I'd say Bewitched has the best chance, since not only was it an adaptation of a TV show, but it tried to be all kinds of Charlie Kaufman-like meta, and failed on all accounts.

Worst Director: Uwe Boll. Seriously. Yes, the man's name may be merely an in-joke amongst gamers and spec geeks for now, but never underestimate the power of a directing style that could be best summed up as, "Follow the nice paycheck, Mr. Big Name Actor."

Worst Remake or Sequel: Here, I believe The Dukes of Hazzard will win out over Bewitched. Sure, both are remakes of old television shows, but hatred for Jessica Simpson will probably burn brighter than any bungling of the concept of meta.

Worst Screen Couple: I'm going to go for Jenny McCarthy and Guest in Dirty Love. Seeing as the entire movie could best be described as "Freddy Goes Fingered gets a sex change and tries to get laid", it works as a perversion of coupling and romance on a level of blasphemy not seen since the Black Mass.

Worst Supporting Actress: Katie Holmes. First of all, the whole TomKat thing has probably driven any concept of mercy from these men's minds. Second of all, she was in Batman Begins. Y'know, the movie that had Gary Oldman, Cillian Murphy, Michael Caine, Christian Bale, and Liam Neeson in its cast. It's like putting black up against white, only "black" is "good acting" and "white" is "flatness on a level that a desert mesa would appreciate."

Worst Supporting Actor: Hayden Christensen. I know, it's not his fault that George Lucas turned the baddest mofo in the Empire into a whiny little bitch (and, seriously- "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"?), but the Razzies has made a habit of shitting on the new trilogy, and someone has to take the fall.

Most Tiresome Tabloid Targets: It's like the online ad said: every second we spent talking about Tom Cruise's latest antics was a second we could have spent talking about Darfur. Tom Cruise and the courtship of Joey Potter will earn the Golden Raspberry of Shut the Fuck Up Already.

Worst Actress: Tara Reid, by herself, is a large enough target. Tara Reid playing an archaeologist, however, is the thing that tempts calling in an airstrike. Still, given the Razzies' hate-on for Dirty Love, and seeing as Jenny McCarthy both wrote and starred in the thing, I think she'll take home the gold.

Worst Actor: Tom Cruise. See also: Katie Holmes.

Worst Picture: Hmm... nothing really stands out. I'd either have to say Dirty Love as a testament to the monumental hubris of Jenny McCarthy, or Dukes of Hazzard as yet another spanking of Jessica Simpson.

We'll see how it all turns out soon enough.


Wow. I'm Shocked.

Oh. Look at that. Alberto "What Geneva Convention?" Gonzales apparently lied to the Senate during his confirmation about wiretaps. I am shocked and appalled.

Except, well, not.


Here It Comes

Alito confirmed, 58-42. One Republican voted "no", four Democrats voted "yes."

I'm still waiting until his first case to see the "real" Alito. But with everything else I've seen up until now, I don't think it's going to be pretty.

Monday, January 30, 2006


It Was Someone Famous This Time

I feel that what happened to Bob Woodruff and Doug Vogt was horrible, and I'm glad they weren't killed. That being said, I'm with Shakes: why doesn't the news media get outraged about the massive amount of death and carnage in Iraq until one of their own (well, one of their own with a big enough name) to get outraged?

My local radio station, WFNX, plays news bites from ABC News all throughout the morning show. And whenever the reporters talked about Woodruff, they kept calling him "Bob." "Bob." By using his first name, again and again, they demonstrated how well they knew the guy. They showed the world that what happened hurt, goddamnit, and that what happened thousands of miles away does affect us.

Imagine what would've happened if they'd been like that for every soldier who's fallen.

Sunday, January 29, 2006


Just Shut Up And Look Outraged

I am a progressive. I know, in the early days of this blog, I talked about possibly being a centrist. Forget that. I'm still evenhanded; I know what bullshit smells like, whether it comes from the left or the right. But I know now that I am a progressive. I believe in choice for women, full equality for gays and lesbians, free speech, the right to privacy, fiscal responsibility, and, above all else, taking responsibility for fucking up.

Unfortunately, that's not what a good chunk of the modern Democrats want. Some modern Democrats, like Tim Kaine, want to fuck over gay people by saying they'll sign a marriage amendment when it reaches their desk while bitching to their queer constituency about the language of it. Others, like Hillary Clinton, will latch onto the latest "turn off your brain, and let us do the thinking" issue, like violence in video games, in an effort to curry favor with scared soccer moms who can't take two seconds to check the box for an M rating. And then there's people like Robert Byrd, who, went faced with a favorite Supreme Court nominee by a president who has shat upon the Fourth Amendment and who has a record of decisions that could be considered circumspect at the very least, says, "Sure, why not?"

And you want to know what they think about us? Listen to the words of Steve Elmendorf, Democratic advisor:

"The bloggers and online donors represent an important resource for the party, but they are not representative of the majority you need to win elections," said Steve Elmendorf, a Democratic lobbyist who advised Kerry's 2004 presidential campaign. "The trick will be to harness their energy and their money without looking like you are a captive of the activist left."

See that? We're not voters. We're not participants. We're not their constituency. In the eyes of people like Elmendorf, we're fucking circus animals. Claw at the bars, roar nice and loud, get a few more dollars for the ringleader. Doesn't matter that he whips you or starves you when the crowds go away.

To Elmendorf and other like-minded Dems: Fuck you. We're tired of being treated like politics is a choice between a savage beating and being raped with a steak knife. You want our vote, our cash, and our devotion? Then earn it.

Saturday, January 28, 2006


What Is Reality TV, Neo?

Okay, so, first we had shows that featured ordinary people going about their everyday lives (e.g., An American Family, The Real World). Then we had series about ordinary people in extraordinary situations (e.g., Survivor, American Idol). After that came series about extraordinary people- celebrities- in ordinary situations (e.g., The Osbournes, Newlyweds). Then we had reality TV that had almost nothing to do with reality: "celebrities" in extraordinary situations (e.g., Dancing With the Stars).

Now, thanks to the latest incarnation of Celebrity Big Brother over in the UK, we have celebrities in extraordinary situations, only one of them's a total fake and ends up winning. If reality itself got as twisted as reality TV has over the years, we'd be riding dragons to work.

Friday, January 27, 2006


Ha Ha Hardly

Decry the president, get compared to Osama bin Laden. "Joke" about slipping rat poison into a Supreme Court Justice's creme brulee... not a whole lot.

Then again, how could Ann have known people would think she was calling for murder? Hell, she probably takes rat poison raw.

Thursday, January 26, 2006


Spread Your Legs, and Pump 'Em Out

One of the many, many aspects of the dominionist movement that creeps me out is the quiver full movement. The idea behind this movement is that of the woman as incubator, pumping out as many children she can until her ovaries just say, "Oh, fuck that noise." Ever see the TLC special 14 Children and Pregnant Again!? Yes, it's that.

What probably creeps me out more is some of the things being said in quiver full movement literature:

We are living in the last days. An anointed generation must come to earth to help prepare the way of the Lord. Many in this generation will be children. Will these chosen children be allowed to come?

Yeah, you see, when you can't really distinguish the statements of your religion from the metaplot of Werewolf: the Apocalypse, then you have a problem.


"If You'll Excuse Me, I Have To Go Cover My Ass."

David Dye, Bush's top mining safety official, appeared before a Senate subcommittee dedicated to finding out what went wrong with the Sago mine incident. Then he left early, because he had more pressing matters to attend to than twelve dead people.

Well, I'm glad to see that the Bush administration is staying par for the course when it comes to respecting the dead. Dye, you're doing a heckuva job.


We Had To Oppose The Law In Order To Break It

Just so I have this straight: one of the main excuses- I mean, "arguments"- that Bush is using for his illegal wiretap program is that it would take too long to get a warrant under the FISA. In 2002, however, Sen. Mike DeWine introduced a proposal that would have allowed the FBI to obtain wiretap warrants under "reasonable suspicion" rather than "probable cause"... and the administration shitcanned it.

Wow. Yeah, why make it legal when we could have? Because it's so much sexier when we directly flout the law.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


It's Like Going to Iraq, Only Safer!

Rick Santorum: "put one of my bumper stickers on your car, and you'll be just as patriotic as someone who goes over to Iraq."

Okay, maybe not in those words, but c'mon. The man just compared paying less than $10 for one of his crappy-ass bumper stickers to service during an active war. No wonder some Republicans seem to be so disparaging of ex-soldiers nowadays; they're wondering why they didn't take the easy way out and get the bumper sticer.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006


The Keg of Eternal Youth

Once upon a time, I said that Abercrombie and Fitch was run by fratboys who couldn't think outside of the frat. I had no idea how horrifyingly right I was:

Yes, folks, that's Mike Jeffries, the 61-year-old president of A&F. A man who has altered almost his entire body in an attempt to become a paragon of blond-haired, blue-eyed beauty. And what he can't do to himself, he does to others.

The pursuit of superficial beauty leads to the greatest perversions of vanity. I guess it's better than bathing yourself in the blood of virgins, but there's a point when you just have to learn how to age gracefully.

Monday, January 23, 2006


Well, Now I'm Convinced

Dear Tom Cruise:

Congratulations on effectively outing yourself to the world as a self-loathing gay man... again. Seriously, do you really think this helps your image at all? Look, when people like George Clooney are asked whether they're gay, they just laugh it off, and everyone thinks they're straight. When you're asked, you engage in a course of action that, to those in the know, is tantamount to dressing up in leather and prancing down Main Street while lipsynching along with the Scissor Sisters.

Seriously, Tom. If you can't come out of the closet, then don't make it so easy for people to pull the door open.

Sunday, January 22, 2006


Everyone's a Loser

Back during the day, when I first read about Welcome to the Neighborhood, I was a little- no, quite- disgusted. I wasn't a big fan of reinforcing the fact that the only way minorities and those outside the norm progress in this country is through the will of the Well-Off White Straight Christians. Then I heard about some of the things that were actually happening on this series: people were changing their views, learning more about those who were different, and actually reestablishing connections with family members they'd turned away.

Then, of course, it never made it to the air. And Jacques Steinberg at the NYT theorizes that it's because the gay couple won. Yeah, I know, maybe a little out there, but read this:

While other ABC shows have gay characters - including the new comedy "Crumbs" - "Neighborhood" features a real gay couple and their prospective neighbors in a continuing dialogue about homosexuality, including interpretations of the Bible.

In a recent interview, Richard Land, an official with the Southern Baptist Convention involved in the negotiations with Disney last year to end the group's boycott of the company, said he did not recall any mention of "Neighborhood." He added, however, that had the show been broadcast - particularly with an ending that showed Christians literally embracing their gay neighbors - it could have scuttled the Southern Baptists' support for "Narnia."

"I would have considered it a retrograde step," Mr. Land said of the network's plans to broadcast the reality series. "Aside from any moral considerations, it would have been a pretty stupid marketing move."

Paul McCusker, a vice president of Focus on the Family, which had supported the Southern Baptist boycott and reaches millions of evangelical listeners through the daily radio broadcasts of Dr. James Dobson, expressed similar views.

"It would have been a huge misstep for Disney to aggressively do things that would disenfranchise the very people they wanted to go see 'Narnia,' " he said.

In other words, it's very possible that ABC cancelled the series so as to not drive away some easily offendable people from a movie that was almost guaranteed to be a hit from the moment it went into production.

So, a series hits the air proving that gay people can find acceptance amongst the ruling classes of America... and those self-same ruling classes lead to the cancellation of the show before it even hits the air. Lovely.

Friday, January 20, 2006


"I Wonder If It Will Be Friends With Me?"

There's a whale in the Thames. I have nothing more to say.


Hmm... And What If I Could Kill People Just By Looking at Them?

Now, I don't think anyone could consider Jonah Goldberg the world's greatest moral authority (except himself and his dear, dear mommy). But when I see shit like this, I get down on my knees and thank every deity I can think of (up to and including Azathoth and the Flying Spaghetti Monster) that his greatest influence is upon a groupthink blog:

What if Bush offered/accepted one[Truce With Osama] and then, under the flag of truce, had Osama killed and his minions rounded up?

It’s amusing to imagine what some of Bush’s biggest critics might say.

You know what this critic of Bush would say, Jonah? I would say this: America is dead.

What the fuck is wrong with people like Jonah Goldberg? Now, let me say that I have no problem with- hell, I actively encourage- pumping lead into the face of an unrepentant Bin Laden. But when people like Jonah hypothetically discuss these flagrant violations of international law and, oh yeah, basic human civility as if they are The Shit, I have to worry about their vision of America. Do they have any respect for honor, justice, and kindness?

No. No, they don't. Alberto Gonzales had no sense of justice when he talked about how the Geneva Convention is outmoted. Bush had no sense of honor when he decided he could sneak around the torture ban. Why should I be surprised that low-level wankstains like Goldberg are using their blogs for masturbatory power fantasies?


We're Replaced America's Regular Political Discourse With Shit About Bin Laden. Let's See If Anyone Notices.

Things Osama bin Laden has done that liberals have not: headed up a terrorist organization devoted to the destruction of America and Israel; masterminded a series of terror attacks, one of which was the worst attack on American soil in the history of the nation; spoken out in favor of a fundamentalist religion that subjugates women and gays.

Things Osama bin Laden has done that liberals have: spoken out against Bush.

What the media says about this: "See? See? They're almost the same!"

If anyone needs me, I will be banging my head against a wall. Hard.


Y'Know, If I Lived In Nevada, I'd Be Pissed Right Now

Well, I'm be damned. I put up a post about That Candidate From Nevada and his potential copyright violation, and I get hit with spam for his blog! Seriously; go down into the post under this one, and see who's the first poster.

You know, I think I'd vote for Attila the Hun over a candidate who uses spambots. Of course, I don't live in Nevada, so it's not my problem.

Thursday, January 19, 2006


Eeyore's Head in Your Bed

So a guy running for the Nevada state legislature- whose name is Richard Disney- has ripped off the Disney logo for his campaign website. This is the same Disney, mind you, that threatens day care centers with legal action because they put up paintings of Mickey and Goofy.

Something tells me he'll be found in a ditch in the desert, stripped naked and with a mouse ears hat stuffed in a very sensitive orifice.


Headline Abuse

So, CNN Headline News has hired right wing pundit Glenn Beck to host his own TV show. Let's look over some of the things Mr. Beck has said in the past years:

-Verbally fellated a self-professed torturer.

-Called Cindy Sheehan a prostitute.

-Talked about killing Michael Moore.

-Called Nick Berg's father a scumbag after he decided to decry the Iraqi War because, y'know, his son got his head cut off by insurgents.

Yeah, I'm glad to see that the news media still carries the prestige of Murrow and Cronkite. The Michael Savage "Get AIDS and Die" Countdown to Controversial Firing begins... now.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


Wedgies Are Covered Under the First Amendment

In yet another example of the religious right forgetting everything Jesus talked about (aside from the Heaven parts, that is), the AFA's mouth organ is talking about policies in the UNC program that "clearly and substantially" restrict everyone's free speech. Sounds like a good matter of debate... that is, until you see the policy clippings that the AFA consider "Orwellian":

-A ban on "insults, taunts, or challenges directed toward another person"
-A requirement that all students "respect the dignity of all persons" and "strive for the openness to learn from differences in people"
-A policy outlawing "disrespect for persons"

In other words, what they're saying is, "Well, why can't we degrade people because of what they are? It's our Christian right!" Way to be open and accepting, fuckers.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006


Just Think Of It As An Extended Warranty

So, I want to get this straight: Apparently, the armor that the Pentagon has provided our troops with manages to shatter when it hits the ground, to say nothing of what happens when a projectile hits it. As a result, many soldiers in the know, along with their families, have poured thousands of dollars into a different body armor company, one which has a record of, y'know, actually doing its job.

And, according to some of these soldiers, Army officials have approached them and told them that if they do not trade out the armor that they purchaed with their own money for the one that breaks upon being dropped from fair heights, then their beneficiaries might not receive death benefits.

You go to war with the army you have... and if you spend your own hard-earned cash to make sure you have a better army than anyone else, then fuck you.


Lost Up Their Own Arses

Wow. Apparently, the secret behind Lost is so big, so shocking, that it's caused even the show's writers to lose all free will.

"We suggest you do the same on 'Lost,'" Lindelof says. "That's between the lines here. If you're watching the show because you're waiting for the big answers to come, you have to understand that by the nature of what it is -- it's not a movie, it's not a series of movies, it's not a trilogy, it's not a miniseries -- it's going to be on the air for as long as ABC wants to keep it on the air.

"How can you ever possibly think that 'Lost' will end in a satisfying way? Carlton and I can almost guarantee you that it will not."

Jesus fucking Allah Buddha Cthulhu. Did anyone in the entertainment industry learn from The X-Files? Did anyone else watch as Chris Carter lost the plot entirely and think, "Well, maybe I'm better plan out my metaplot, just to be safe."? Did anyone else think that J. Michael Straczynski's long-reaching, all-encompassing, successful metaplot on Babylon 5 was nothing more than a random fluke?

This is why I gave up Lost for Veronica Mars. Not only does the latter have long-reaching mysteries that actually get solved, they usually get solved with little need for retcon.


An Ear to the Ground

So, let me get this straight: not only was Bush's spying program horribly illegal... not only did it target civilian groups who have no reasonable connection to terrorists... but it never managed to target even a single terrorist.

This makes the whole thing even more inexcusable. If you're going to undertake a program of risky, highly illegal wiretapping that nets no successes within, oh, let's say a year, you should probably scrap it. Instead, Bush kept it up for a period of time that some are saying may have started before 9/11. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

In other news, Bush is getting his ass sued by two different groups over the spying program. Let's hope this kicks up another shitstorm.

Sunday, January 15, 2006


Faster Than Speeding Bullshit

Yes, I know this is relatively old news, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't have the potential to send me into an utter ragegasm.

I have long known the potential for suck that the newest Superman movie could be. Hell, I'd read about the numerous atrocities in the J.J. Abrams script, and "tsk, tsk"ed along with almost the entire comics industry. But reading this informal history? Causes me actual physical pain.

Jon Peters wanted Superman to have bodyguards and called the red and blue suit "too faggy" (which is ironic, coming from the man who got his start in the business as Barbara Streisand's hairdresser boyfriend). Tim Burton wanted Superman to be relient of Kryptonian gadgetry, turning him into the Invincible, Diurnal Batman. A "Matrix-like" Supersuit. The constant turndown of screenwriters who actually, y'know, liked Superman. Gay robot sidekicks. Brainiac fighting polar bears.

What. In. The. Sweet. Scented. Fuck.

And people wonder why the movie industry is currently sucking wind.


Rumor and Happenstance

Well, in another shining example of the Cleland Corollary, L. Brent Bozell's brainchild, the Cybercast News Service, has begun attacking John Murtha. And the Washington Post is reporting this, despite the fact that CNS's accusations have enough holes to serve as a very nice colander.

The Washington Post's motto: "We Don't Investigate This Shit, We Just Report It."

Saturday, January 14, 2006


Breakin' the Law! Breakin' the Law!

I've known for a while that the media in this country is in a steady state of decline. Some sense of balance, no matter what the circumstances, must always be presented. Take the fact that, after Deep Throat came out of the evidence cabinet, G. Gordon Liddy- a man who was part of the Watergate scandal- was on talk shows, utterly badmouthing the guy.

Now, we have Chris Matthews, one of the archpundits of the Media Elite, arguing about how maybe it's Bush's job to break the law. Now, if in the late '90s, when everyone was having a shit fit over Clinton lying about fellatio to the American public, I'd gone up to someone knowledgeable about world affairs and asked them whether or not the President of the United States had the sovereign right to assrape the Fourth Amendment, they probably would have laughed in my face, then spat on me for good measure. Now, the people we trust for news are basically saying, "Well, maybe it's not so bad."

Edward R. Murrow is doing the Macarena in his grave.

Friday, January 13, 2006


I Shed a Single Tear

Shakespeare's Sister has a post up about how Mrs. Alito's breakdown (which occurred during questioning by Lindsey Graham, R.-S.C.) is being construed by the media as, "Has politics gotten too harsh?" I have a message for the media: Where the fuck have you been?

John Derbyshire "jokes" about how Chelsea Clinton needs to be assassinated because she bears the Clinton "taint." Bill Clinton himself is accused of murder, lechery, and spousal rape. John McCain is attacked by people of his own party about his adopted Korean child. Bill O'Reilly calls for the arrest of everyone at Air America for being traitors. Karl Rove accuses every single liberal in the United States of wanting al-Qaeda to win. And the US media finally, finally stands up and notices that there's something very fucking wrong with public discourse... when the wife of a conservative Court appointee gets all teary at a question that's meant to help her husband's image.

Remember, people; just because people like Hillary Clinton don't cry in public doesn't mean that the shit thrown at them doesn't stink.

Thursday, January 12, 2006


Fie On You And Your Brain-Bleeding God!

Oh, what a delicious turn of events. Pat Robertson, like some low-rate Buffy villain, believes he needs a hand in the affairs of Israel in order to bring about the apocalypse. And Israel has told him to stick it where the sun don't shine. Still, it seems like the Holy Land hasn't entirely learned its lesson:

"We will not do business with him, only with other evangelicals who don't back these comments," Hartuv said. "We will do business with other evangelical leaders, friends of Israel, but not with him."

Now, Hartuv, what did your mom tell you about taking candy from people who want to destroy holy landmarks in order to bring about the end of the world, which may possibly result in your own immolation?

Well, I guess your mom wasn't as specific as mine was.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


The SBC Knows Where The Bodies Are Buried

That does it. I give up. Apparently, the real reason Christ came to this green Earth was to tell us to crush our enemies, see them driven before us, and hear the lamentation of their women. Why the change in heart? Well, how can I debate with people like this:

Lusk warned adversaries: "My friends, don't fool with the church because the church has buried a million critics. And those the church has not buried, the church has made funeral arrangement for."

I bet Lusk longs for the good old days of breaking heretics on the wheel.

Monday, January 09, 2006


"Now, Then, Mr. Ali- WAAAUGH!" *thud*

A bunch of holy rollers placed holy oil on the seats of the room where the Senate Judiciary Committee will be meeting today, claiming that it will lead to Alito's nomination. I, on the other hand, believe it will lead to humorous pratfalls.

Oh, and just listen to this:

The two men, along with Grace Nwachukwu, general manager of a group called Faith and Action, read three Psalms outside the committee room, knelt to say the Lord's Prayer and marked a cross in oil on the committee door before leaving.

Is it just me, or does this sound less like prayer and more like a summoning ritual?

Sunday, January 08, 2006


Click. Dial Tooooone...

You can plop down $110 dollars to buy the complete cell phone records of anyone, anywhere. It doesn't matter if you're a criminal, a politician, or an abused woman; for less than the cost of a good massage, someone can find out everyone you've ever talked to.

The worst part is, this story popped up for the first time back in July. So why the hell is it still around? This is the kind of thing that could be introduced on the floor of the Senate, roundly murdered, and sent to the House for the death blow, all in time for lunch. So why has it been allowed to flounder for the past six months?

Saturday, January 07, 2006


Survival Rate

According to the NYT, a study by the Pentagon has uncovered that 80% of Iraqi war casualties could have been reasonably prevented with extra body armor. Y'know, the armor they were supposed to have.

If no one in Congress ends up raising this point, then they don't deserve to be elected.

Friday, January 06, 2006


"No, Really, I'm Just Sensitive!"

Well, it's about fucking time. Maybe now Spacey will stop talking about how much he loves pussy and how his favorite place in Toronto is the Brass Rail.

Oh, who am I kidding? Here come the lawsuits. Long live the closet.

Thursday, January 05, 2006


The Wholly Holy Land

Pat Robertson: "God made Ariel
Sharon's brain go blammo
for trying to appease Palestinians." Wow. Way to love Israel, Patty. And way to make the nutfucks who shot down Rabin feel like they actually accomplished something.

Notice a running theme throughout Pat's rant: "I liked him, but God didn't." Robertson apparently thought Yitzhak Rabin and Ariel Sharon were both great, gentle people, but hey, they fucked with God, so they had to go. I don't know whether Robertson is a cowed little child or a good little German, but either way, he is no man of God.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006


But Do I Really Want to Wish That On Detroit?

I know I'm late, but it looks like Mitt Romney finally wised up, realizes that the people of Massachusetts hate him like rats hate Velveeta, and admits that he should have kept his ass in Michigan.

It's good to see that his contempt has gone from "thinly veiled" to, "I piss on your commonwealth!"


If The President Does It...

Poor John McCain. No matter how much he cuddles with Georgie, Bush will always be on top.

"Of course the president has the obligation to follow this law, [but] he also has the obligation to defend and protect the country as the commander in chief, and he will have to square those two responsibilities in each case," the official added. ''We are not expecting that those two responsibilities will come into conflict, but it's possible that they will."

Translation: "Due process is for pussies."

I always wondered what tyranny would be like.

Monday, January 02, 2006


I'm a Barbie Grrrrl, In a Barbie World...

Ay, caramba. Somewhere, there are real issues that face Christians in the world. Places like Sudan, or China. Today, however, the Concerned Women for America are shocked- shocked, I tell ya- that Mattel's Barbie website has an "I don't know" gender selection for visitors. And here's Bob Knight, an expert on all matters gender-based:

"This is directed at children aged four to eight... that's a really young age to be directing something along the lines of bisexuality."

Wow. Wow. You'd think that one of the nation's foremost experts on the homosexual agenda would know the difference between bisexuality (digging both hot dogs and tacos) and transsexualism (feeling like you were born in the wrong gender, and taking corrective measures).

Just think of all the good people like CWfA could do if they didn't constantly raise their ires about pretty little dolls and their websites.

Sunday, January 01, 2006


Jesus Is My Estranged, Domineering Husband

Some time ago, back when the Church sex abuse scandal was still raging, Mother Cognito and I sat down to Chronicle, the Boston ABC affiliate's New England news magazine. The subject of the night was how to change the Catholic Church, and one guy had an interesting solution: send it back to the '50s. Mother Cognito and I both bitched and hurled things at the screen, until the guy said one particularly rage-inducing thing: that it was stupid to think of Jesus as "my friend, the Lord and Savior", and we should all treat him as some mysterious force up in the heavens. It was official: I'd hold him down, and Mother Cognito would punch him in the throat.

Now, I'm not surprised to see the same words come out of the AFA's mouthpiece regarding The Book of Daniel:

''They take our savior Jesus Christ and reflect him as an everyday Joe. How disrespectful," Sharp added. ''Our savior is to be worshipped and adored and not treated as your buddy riding down the street with you in the passenger seat of the car."

Okay, here's a question: What part of "born of Man" do you idolatrous fucknuggets not understand?

I'm sorry, but Jesus did not come to Earth just to be God's chosen superhero. Yes, that was a big part of it, but he also came to Earth to know what it was like to be one of those fleshy things that his father had some often bathed in fire and brimstone. He talked as a man, walked as a man, had friends as a man does, and experienced some of the same petty feelings men do. You ever read the Bible? There's a part in the Gospels where Jesus curses a fucking fig tree because it won't give him fruit. Sure, it may not be Messiah material, but as a man? It's understandable.

I want Jesus to be my buddy, and not in the, "So, am I getting past the Pearly Gates? Huh?" sense. I want to know that he went through a lot of the shit I do on a daily basis, despite being the Son of God. And I wouldn't have it any other way.


Life's a Bitch- I Mean, Beach

Well, we got back from Roatan last night. How was it? Well... it wasn't awful.

We got at 3 in the morning, left Boston at 6 AM, and arrived at Roatan at 4:30 EST. When we got to the house, led by a very nice married couple, we noticed the owner had taken a few... creative liberties with the house's description. The flowing miniature waterfall? Didn't flow. The satellite TV and stereo? Broken down (Brother Cognito ended up repairing the stereo on his own, but nothing could be done about the TV). Most, importantly, the 3 bedrooms/3.5 bathrooms? One of each was taken up by the caretaker. I ended up sleeping on the couch in the living room for three days.

After that start... well, I tried to act like a Pollyanna, and hell, we did do some good things. But it felt like every time a good thing happened (an all-you-can-eat barbeque Christmas dinner at the Hole in the Wall, a day at a spa, a relaxing afternoon on the beach), something shitty happened to balance out the karmic ratio (the car breaks down, I get horribly sick, my room becomes infested with moths and mosquitos to the point that I retreat to a couch on my parents' bedroom for the night).

I wanted to love Roatan. I'm sure that, had situations been different, it could have been another Vieques. But I just didn't. Now, my parents are considered skipping beach vacations all together with me, and just going places with suitable development.

I'm sorry, Roatan. Just know that it was all my fault.

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