Friday, December 31, 2004


I Don't Hate Them, But I Think I May Envy Them

A museum in France just received 300,000 comic books. Here's hoping they're not all by Chuck Austen, or we may have another war on our hands.


I'm Going to Start Breaking These Tomorrow, Y'Know

So, yeah. New Year's Eve. Guess I'd better get this meme a-rollin':

Justin Cognito's Resolutions for 2005

1. Go to the gym more often. Once a week does not get one an enviable figure.

2. Eat more sensibly. Going through 2 blocks on white chocolate in about as many days is not part of a balanced diet.

3. Make it through the remnants of high school without completely losing my shit.

4. Work towards overcoming Asperger's some more; try to make friends* at college.

5. Finish a freaking spec script for a TV show, already.

6. Finish a screenplay.

7. Start dating when I go to college.

8. Spend more time with my family.

9. Try that New York Cheesecake Donut from Krispy Kreme, calories be damned.

10. Find an outdoor/athletic hobby for once. Maybe try finding a rock gym or something.

11. Aim for a good start to my college career.

*By which I mean meatspace friends, of course.


Today's Schedule: Algebra, Physics, Gay, English, French

A gay couple in British Columbia is suing to get gay issues in a multiculturalism program. Man, if someone suggested something like that here, there would be heads exploding all across the religious right.

Hey, that gives me an idea...


Look Out! Gay Zionist Americans!

So apparently, some insurgent groups in Iraqi are fighting to keep gays from marrying.

See, far right? If you don't want gay marriage, then you hate America.

Thursday, December 30, 2004


Fred Phelps Has No Soul

Talk about stating the obvious.

This... this thing in the form of a man, has no traces of humanity, let alone Christianity. Here's a person who wanted to erect a statue saying that a hate crime victim was burning forever in Hell- in the victim's home town, at that. Here is a person who claims that all who died on 9/11 burn in Hell, and when protesting at Harvey Milk High School, brought along signs that read "FDNY IN HELL". Here is a person who has probably abused his entire family. He is a racist, anti-Semitic, anti-American hate vampire.

I don't use this term lightly, but I hate him.


This Would Explain Battlefield Earth

When I make movies, I don't want to have a review of one of them that talks about how I went down on a monster. That seems like a noble goal, doesn't it? (Ganked from Defamer.)

Wednesday, December 29, 2004


If He Were Alive, He'd Presumably Crack Wise About This

Godspeed, Jerry Orbach. That's gotta be the worst; recovering from cancer only to have it come back and claim you.


Will They Call It "Helms' Deep"?

Now seriously, doesn't Jesse Helms Lake sound like the title of a horror movie?

What is with everyone wanting to name everything after this monster in human flesh? The Jesse Helms School of Government, Jesse Helms Lake, a Jesse Helms Bust (its eyes follow you everywhere, you godless sinner!)...

Hmm... maybe I can trademark the Jesse Helms Douchebag.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004


"Why Do They Hate Us?" Oh, Let Me Count the Ways...

So, we're sending over $15 million in foreign aid for those countries damaged in the tsunami.

Not billion, mind you. Million. Hell, we spent $87 billion in Iraq, the White House is talking about raising the debt cap, and all we can spare for the worst natural disaster in recent history is the Congressional equivalent of pennies in the couch?

Yikes. No wonder they "hate our freedoms."

UPDATE (12/31/04): Well, it's finally up to $350 million, but that's because someone lit a fire under Bush's ass the size of Mount St. Helens. Still, at least we're finally being charitable.


Coulter Claus

Merry Christmas from Jack Skellington- I mean, Pope Urban II- I mean, Ann Coulter:

To The People Of Islam:
Just think: If we'd invaded your countries, killed your leaders and converted you to Christianity YOU'D ALL BE OPENING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS RIGHT ABOUT NOW!
Merry Christmas

Someone please teach this bitch the meaning of Eid al-Fitr.

Monday, December 27, 2004


In the Future, No More Gay!

Oh, dear God, shut up, Oliver Stone:

["]I'd have gotten the film to 2½ hours and taken out the homosexuality for the U.S. market and for countries sensitive to such things, like Korea or Greece. Kids weren't comfortable with men who hugged, a king who cries and expresses tenderness.["]

Yeah, this explains why everyone hated Philadelphia, because of all the gayness, y'know. Listen to me, Oliver; you made a three-hour movie that was getting buzz that smelled like a dead skunk wrapped in Limburger. You made a movie where the protagonist's father's murder, a shaping part of his childhood, takes place off-screen. You made a war epic with two battles. I don't think homosexuality was your biggest problem.



21,000 presumed dead in giant tsunami. Christ. My heart goes out to those who lost a loved one.

And if Pat Robertson tries to blame this one on God, I'm gonna kick him in the cherries.

Sunday, December 26, 2004


On Life, Death, Bigotry, and Football

So, um, yeah. Reggie White is dead.

Yes, I know the man was a grade-A racist, homophobic asshole. Yes, I know he was a massive douche. But you know what? He didn't deserve this. No one deserves this. No matter how much we hate on the people in our life, no one- not even Fred Phelps- deserves death. And from what I heard over at Outsports, he may have realized that a lot of the things he said were bullshit and tried to apologize for them (warning: take with standard grain of salt).

So, yeah, I'm not glad he's dead. He said some stupid things, sure, and he may have been a bit of a bigot. But he's left behind a family that misses him. If you have to say something about the man, then say nothing. The freshly dead don't deserve anyone's scorn. Now, this?

"Reggie White was a gentle warrior who will be remembered as one of the greatest defensive players in NFL history," NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue said. "Equally as impressive as his achievements on the field was the positive impact he made off the field and the way he served as a positive influence on so many young people."

Yeah, that's kinda scornworthy. Shut up, Paul Tagliabue.

UPDATE: And you shut up too, George Young. For those of you not watching the Pats-Jets game, they talked about how George Young, the guy who ran the Giants for a while, said that White reached out and tried to help people, and no matter what you thought about what he said, he tried to help people. Yeah, because the "ex"-gay movement helps so many people feel like utter shit. God, the NFL gives me an aneurysm sometimes.


We Won't Bury You

As much as I hate the "red state-blue state" distinction, and loathe the "fuck the red states" attitude, certain things make me feel that there is some credence to that. For example, people in Tennessee don't want a Muslim cemetery built. Soundbite orgy!

"We know for a fact that Muslim mosques have been used as terrorist hide-outs and centers for terrorist activities[.]"

Yes, and I know for a fact that people in North Carolina were probably one of the main reason Eric Rudolph stayed hidden for all of 7 years. Hey, everyone! Let's kick out the North Carolinians!

"Ladies and gentlemen, you may think this is far-fetched, but that is what the Jewish people thought when the Nazis started taking a small foothold, a little at a time, in their community[.]"

Sweet goddamn. People who are talking about supporting religious discrimination are comparing the other side's entire faith to Nazism. If this plan goes forward, how many Muslims do you think will be kicking over Christian gravestones? None? Well, how about the reverse?

"We don't need bin Laden's cousins in our neighborhood."

And I don't want bigoted rednecks in my country. But that doesn't mean that I automatically assume that anyone from a state that voted for Bush holds emnity towards members of an ethnic or religious group. So deal with it.

Saturday, December 25, 2004


Christmas Every Day!... Well, At Least For Two Days.

So, seeing as we're having my aunt and uncle over for Christmas dinner at noon today (don't ask), the Cognito Clan decided as a whole that it would be best to open presents on Christmas Eve. I can just hear the children of the world seething with jealousy.

Among the presents opened was a scenario I had come to fear. You see, when I first compiled my Christmas list, I asked for, among other things, The Invisibles: Apocalipstick. It took me about three weeks to realize that, hey, maybe asking the relatives to whom I am not out yet for a book featuring a transvestite Aztec sorceress was not the wisest of plans, by which time Mother Cognito had already sent out the gift lists to all the relatives. So, I ended up receiving Apocalipstick as one book of three- from my grandparents. Yeah. I just shriveled up and died right there.

Among the other gifts received were: a Timberland wallet (well-needed, as my current wallet looks like faux-zebra print plastic); a new leather jacket; a tan denim jacket from American Eagle; Hellblazer: Dangerous Habits; Transmetropolitan: Gouge Away; Astro City: Life in the Big City; Fluke, by Christopher Moore; America: The Book; a collection of all the permutations of Half-Life (I was expecting Half-Life 2, but I can always trade it in); $55 in Barnes and Noble gift cards; a sheep to a family in South America as part of Heifer International; and a $50 donation to the Ali Forney Center in my name.

So, merry Christmas! Enjoy your gifts today, because I enjoyed mine yesterday.

Oh, and when you're done reveling in your new swag, go check out Pete's new Christmas story, about the life and times of King Moonracer, that winged lion from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. It rocks, y'all.

Friday, December 24, 2004


Somewhere, Bill O'Reilly Just Creamed His Pants

And I truly, honestly apologize for that mental image. French teenagers mug Santa Claus. And now, all the reindeer have Lojack.


Well, There Goes My Yuletide Joy

Ganked from Pam.

A North Carolina faith-based homeless shelter has evicted a pregnant woman and her three sons two days before Christmas. Why? Because she broke the shelter's rules by having a man in her room, never minding the fact that that man was her uncle. Oh, and if that doesn't kill your belief in all that is good and righteous in the world, this ought to deliver the final boot to the face:

"These people need tough love," [Rev. Oliver S.] Robinson [shelter operator and asshat supreme] said. "I don't feel comfortable with it. God don't get no pleasure punishing us. But he does it. Jesus would have done the same thing."

Man, if only
the Spectre really existed. Then this man would truly know what it's like to get a Christmas tree shoved up one's ass.

Thursday, December 23, 2004


Because, Y'Know, He Has a Mandate

Bush is trying again with the failed judicial candidates. And yes, that includes William "Gay = Necrophiliac" Pryor.

In other news, everything I see has taken on a delightful tinge of red.


...For the Rest of Us

A Nativity scene turns into a Comparative Religions class, complete with displays towards Festivus and Zoroastrianism. Ganked from Pete.

See, now this... this is good. It gives capital-C Christians the feeling of not being marginalized by political correctness, and gives those who practice other faiths the opportunity to stand out amidst an endless sea of Christmas specials.

That, and the other displays just sound too awesome to comprehend. I mean, Zoroastrianism? Neattastic.


They Shot Their Eye Out!

I don't know whether it's neat, or incredibly stupid, that the guys who make the Red Ryder BB gun are shunning the publicity of A Christmas Story.

Then again, seeing as Brother Cognito has repeatedly begged my parents for a BB-gun, I guess I'd better send a complimentary fruit basket to these guys.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004


Guh... Gah... Guh...

The trailer for Sin City.

Robert Rodriguez, can I have your babies?


The Electric Kool-Aid Is-He-On-Acid-Or-What Test

So, not only has Tom Wolfe managed to make the shocking discovery that (gasp!) college kids have sex, but his descriptions of such in I Am Charlotte Simmons were enough to clinch the Bad Sex Award. But, he claims that the sex is supposed to be shit.

"There's an old saying -- 'You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her sing.' In this case, you can lead an English literary wannabe to irony but you can't make him get it," Wolfe said in an interview on Monday.

This guy was revelant once, right?


Behold, A Paradox!

Yeah, you know how Kirstie Alley is gonna be in a comedy series titled, of all things, Fat Actress (which sucks, but that's neither here nor there)? Well, turns out she's not up on her "fat pride", and has joined Jenny Craig.

Fat Actress. Jenny Craig. Fat Actress. Jenny Craig. Fat Actress. Jenny Craig. Woman, for fuck's sake, just pick one and get it over with.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004


Atlas Shat Himself

Dude. The Ayn Rand Institute is fucking bonkers. No, forget "bonkers"; their level of demonic insanity is on par with the architects of R'yleh. This guy is defending nuking Hiroshima. What the fuck is wrong with people?


The Kevin Federline Jug Band Christmas

Britney Spears is trying to get "sexy hubby" Kevin "Cletus" Federline into the music biz, building a music studio in their mansion. Because talent? Is for the poor.


[Girlish Giggling]

Why is it big news that Todd MacFarlane is saying he's bankrupt? I mean, we've known this for years! When the only comic you can come up with is Spawn, and you have to satisfy yourself with the plotless medium of action figures--

Wait. They mean financially bankrupt? Oh. Oh. Yeah, that's different.

Sorry about that, Todd. Just make some more action figures, and I'm sure you can pull yourself out of the hole.

Monday, December 20, 2004


Must... Strain... For... Relevancy...

Madonna compares concert singing to war. For her next controversy, she'll go down on Hilary Clinton at the AMAs.

Sunday, December 19, 2004


Strangely Enough, Massachusetts Has Yet to Descend Into Anarchy

Pope: Gay marriage "destroys the fabric of society". Hey, you know what else screws up society something fierce? Kidraping. And even worse? The protection of kidrapists. And worse still? The protection of the number one protector of kidrapists.

Sorry, Pope. You show me yours, and maybe I'll show you mine. Until then, keep it down.


The Suitest Thing

Ladies and gentlemen, if ever the opportunity presents itself to stay in a hotel suite without paying through the arse, then for God's sake, do it.

The Cognito Clan went into Boston last night for purposes of Father Cognito's business Christmas party. While the parents suffered through rounds of bad karaoke and Yankee swaps, Brother Cognito and I were to have free reign of Boston. So went the plan as it was discussed weeks ago. Then yesterday, I found out that we only had free reign of the South End (for purposes of dinner), Newbury St., and any shopping centers attached to the hotel. Needless to say, we were slightly cranky when we got to the Copley Marriot.

Then we saw the suite.

Three rooms, complete with mini fridge, multiple TVs, a Murphy bed (in the central room), and a view of a sizeable chunk of Boston. We had a grand view of the Christian Science headquarters, the Prudential, and that building that kinda looks like the Daily Planet. All I could think was, "Wow. Rock stars have probably peed out of windows like this."

Everyone went to Anchovies in the South End for an appetizer, then the parents took off, leaving Brother Cognito and I to freely roam about the designated areas. In Newbury Comics, I was able to help a passing customer and an employee by explaining that the Joe Sacco book he was looking for was Safe Area Gorazde, and if Newbury didn't have it, he could try the Million Year Picnic in Harvard Square. I then realized that I have matured to full geekhood.

After returning at 9 (beaten by the normally-wild-at-heart Brother Cognito, who'd run out of things to do), I collapsed into bed to read the freshly purchased Jingo by Terry Pratchett. Yeah, when satiric art created in 1997 starts to have the slightest resemblance to modern life, you've got problems.

This morning, everyone enjoyed the breakfast buffet at Gourmali and, after dealing with incompetent elevators and damn stupid valets, returned home. I do believe we have a new Christmas tradition.

Saturday, December 18, 2004


Open Mouth, Insert Foot, Remove Foot, Shoot Foot

Pedro Martinez: "Suck it, Red Sox."

``They will field the best bad team in baseball history,'' Martinez said at a news conference Friday.

You can just smell the effigies being burnt while he says it, can't you?


Wait, I Thought Two Girls Kissing Was Hot

Shut up, Mark Burnett:

When asked about the editing out of the lesbian kisses [between Scout, Ami, and their partners on Survivor, producer Mark Burnett told Entertainment Weekly magazine, “I’d be an idiot not to notice both the way the country voted and the backlash from the FCC that came off of Janet Jackson’s [Super Bowl debacle]. I wanted to protect my franchise and didn’t think it was right to show both lesbian kisses at 8 o’clock.”

And yet, that didn't stop you from showing a male suntanning his bare ass this season, Richard walking around naked (again) last season, and Rupert practically mounting his wife during a reward challenge last season. I don't know whether it speaks more to the attitudes of this nation or the cowardice of Mark Burnett, but both parties involved can stuff it.

Friday, December 17, 2004


Anarchy in the Ukraine

Apparently, if poisoning won't do the trick, then you have to settle for the threat of full-out rioting to keep your political opponents in line.

Now that's the Russia we know and love!


Party All the Time

What the fuck is wrong with Michael Jackson? Yes, I know, it's like asking, "Why is the sky blue?", but seriously, what kind of idiot throws a fucking children's party in the wake of child molestation charges? It's like offering a spa holiday package at Dachau, for Christ's sake.

Thursday, December 16, 2004


The Religious Right Gives Me Ulcers

The spin begins:

(AgapePress) - An attorney with a pro-family ministry says a judge's decision on Tuesday, ordering four Christians in Philadelphia to stand trial for witnessing at a homosexual pride event, is comparable to the atmosphere of the civil rights struggle of the 1950s and 1960s.

For. The. Love. Of. Fuck. Look, I was there. No one got a truncheon to the knees for waving a sign. In fact, no one got any form of beatdown whatsoever. The members of Repent America had a permit to stand off to the side street and wave their "You fags are going to Hell!" signs; they did this because, according to The Gay Philadelphian, their efforts to obtain a table at the block party had failed. They had that right to peaceful protest, and we had the right to ignore them.

And you know what they did what that right? They threw it away. They barged through a crowd of people to work their way on to the main street and disrupt the festival (well, more so than before). The paddy wagon came, the police talked with them, and they left peacefully.

There. No dogs. No fire hoses. No cattle prods. It's exactly like the civil rights protests of the '60s, except where it totally isn't.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004


Training Future Antichrists

Jerry Falwell's Liberty University will be naming its political school after that self-appointed voice of divinely-mandated justice, Jesse Helms.

Is this school in Sunnydale? Because it's obviously built on the Hellmouth.


My First Step Towards World Domination

I got into the Emerson Honors Program.

Bow before me, mere mortals.


Suffer, James Ellroy, Suffer!

In which alternate universe does Hilary Swank resemble the Black Dahlia? Maybe the one where the Nazis won WWII, but not this one.

Brian DePalma has lost his goddamn mind.


Remember, George; Factchecking is Your Friend

Sweet Jesus. It looks like Bernard Kerik may have been a bigamist. They're just one step away from finding the bones of all those children who went missing over the years, I bet.

Now, we're sure no one in Bush's cabinet is secretly a terrorist, right?


Hey, Where's Their Chrismukkah Spirit?

Some Conservative Christians want everyone- everyone- to have a "Merry Christmas". Because those Jews and their silly little candleholder holiday just don't matter.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004


Okay, So, If a Demon Shows Up, We Know Who to Blame

Someone stole John Dee's crystal ball from the Science Museum in London. Looks like John Constantine's turned to a life of crime. Well, more so than usual.


A Jihad on You!

Ah, Egypt; land of a thousand fatwas, from yoga to the Internet to ironing women's pants. Maybe some religions do need to be a little organized.

Monday, December 13, 2004


Eat This

Yes, I'd just like to know why there are people starving in Africa, while Britney Spears spends $180 to give her little ratdog the finest steak at the Bellagio (see: "Spears Spoils Dog"- yeah, no shit, gossip writers). Someone tell me why she's still famous.


Dude. There Are Jews in Hollywood?

You know, one of these days, I've really got to make an "I'm glad I got out of the Catholic Church when I did" macro. Maybe that day will be today. Why? Because Bill Donohue, head of the Catholic League, thinks that the "secular Jews" in Hollywood hate Christianity.

And I'm glad you're "not afraid" to say the truth, Bill. Say it loud. Say it clear. Say it so that everyone can know what an anti-Semetic douche nozzle you really are.


Davey and Goliath- XXXTREME!

"I'm gonna revive a classic kids series, but give it an update to make it 'edgier' and 'cooler' for the younger generation!"

"Gosh, I don't know about that, Davey."

Sunday, December 12, 2004


Here's the Windup...

Jerry Springer wants a liberal radio network. If you are a conservative pundit and can't make a joke out of that, then goddamnit, you just aren't trying.

Saturday, December 11, 2004


God, I Feel Like Such a Tool For Not Doing This Yesterday

Goodbye, David Brudnoy. Have fun on the other side.

I'd never heard his show, y'know. The main reason I knew of his existence was because of the movie reviews he wrote for my local paper. Needless to say, I was surprised to find out he was gay.

And yeah, as the subject heading says, I should have posted this yesterday. I know. Bad Bostonian. Bad.


Wait Until They Hear About Life of Brian

Well, at least other countries are as insane as we are. Some British Christians want the producers of Corpus Christi (the "gay Jesus" play) arrested. On what grounds? Blasphemy.

Riiiiight. After that, maybe we can charge all the whores in London with "fornication"!

Friday, December 10, 2004


Ahh! Greek Gods! Cover the Baby's Eyes!

They're looking at the Olympic Opening Ceremony for indecency.

The fucking Olympics.

For indecency.

Powell must be stopped. Anyone up for a coup?


The Just Plain Fucked Up Institution

Apparently, when conservative Christians express a desire to go back to the ways of the '50s, some of them mean the 1850s. While the rest of the world has come to the agreement that yeah, treating people as property to be bought and sold is kinda bad, a North Carolina school includes in its currciulum a packet that says, in effect, "Slavery was neat."

Now I'll argue that the school's rationale of offering up a counterpoint to Uncle Tom's Cabin is, while lame, a good intention. While it's not a very PC view, there were slaveowners who treated their slaves well, and allowed them to work to buy their own freedom. Still. There were many slaveowners who treated people like chattel, split up families for profit, and whipped and beat people they took on to their property. And as stated above, treating a person like something to be bought and sold is inherently despicable. No one can rationalize it. Especially not some backwards dipshit who thinks the South should rise again.


And the Metroid Movie Will Replace the Aliens with Zombies

When I play Doom, I expect two things: demons, and Mars. And yet, if I watch the Doom movie, those are two things I should not expect.

I know I shouldn't have thought for anything else in a branch of the industry where Uwe Boll not only doesn't receive a boot to the face but positively thrives. Though I gotta say, I'm disappointed.

Thursday, December 09, 2004



So, Canada's highest court has approved a bill recognizing nationwide equal marriage, both New Zealand and Israel have started up governmental domestic partnership programs, and for us gays at home, a military court has called "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" into question.

Pat Robertson is probably hiding under a desk preparing for something fiery as we speak.


T- E- Double R- Double I- Double B- Double L- Double E, E, E!

How can you make a live action/CGI remake of Charlotte's Web, one of the seminal films of my childhood, even worse? How about a live-action CGI remake wherein Dakota Fanning plays Fern?

I know where you live, Hollywood.


Tintin and the Testosterone Therapy

Accidents to the head prevented Tintin from receiving full doses of the growth hormone, keeping him a teenager for 50 years, says a Canadian medical journal. Also, Professor Calculus was schizophrenic. Very schizophrenic. John Nash has nothing on Calculus.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004


Eaten by the Gobblers

Once upon a time, I read Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy. I liked it, even if the message of the book was driven in a bit hard (especially through a series of interviews in which Pullman pretty much said, "Suck on it, C.S. Lewis!"). It was a nice fantasy book, with a very interesting theme: what kind of God people will pray to in the absence of order, no matter how horrid that God is (a theme I've taken an interest in myself).

So, of course, it makes me very, very angry that the film adaptation of His Dark Materials will welsh on the God stuff entirely. Why? Well, sayeth the director, Chris Weitz,

"You have to recognise that it is a challenge in the climate of Bush's America[.]"

If anyone needs me, I'll be reading Paradise Lost in the corner and sobbing into the pages.


Courting Disaster

While I get angry from time to time with gay conservatives who dismiss Democrats out of hand, occasionally, something comes out of left field that makes me want to join them. Case in point: Harry Reid, Democratic Senate Minority Leader, says he wouldn't block Scalia's nomination for Chief Justice.

This is the new Democratic Party? Scalia is a man who has said, among other things, that a gay man dismissed from the army had no right to seek justice in the court system, that masturbation should be regulated by the state, and that "good Christians" didn't have to worry about execution for a crime they didn't commit. And Reid is doing jack shit about this abortion of justice taking the 1st chair of the body that could determine American politics for the next 50 years?

Y'all, fuck Democrat; I'm going anarchist.


The Fugging of the President

Good God, is Bush wearing Members Only? There must be a liberal in the wardrobe department.

And yes, I might have inadvertantly stolen this title from the lovely girls at The Fug Blog. Spare me your wrath, Heather and Jessica!

Tuesday, December 07, 2004


It's All Run By A Big Eastern Syndicate, You Know

As per tradition, I watched A Charlie Brown Christmas on ABC tonight. And tonight, I finally realized something: A Charlie Brown Christmas is my personal Rocky Horror Picture Show. I can recite half the lines on-cue, I sing along when they're all gathered around the tree at the end, and- God help me- I even did the Snoopy Dance.

Still, I haven't started watching it dressed as Linus Van Pelt. Yet.


We Hate Gay People! Now Say We Don't!

Well, we all knew this was going to happen. Focus on the Family, James Dobson's propaganda mill, jumps upon the 20/20 report like a dog in heat, demanding an apology from NBC for suggesting that maybe, just maybe, an attitude of cultural homophobia was responsible for Matthew Shepard's death. Quoth Don Hodel, president:

"Our faith tells us that same-sex marriage and other policies that tear down the traditional definition of the family undermine the fabric of our civilization," Hodel wrote. "But just because we are opposed to efforts to normalize homosexuality does not in any way mean we are antagonistic to the people involved in homosexuality[...]

...and then my head exploded. Their founder, Dobson, has been tossing out the worst propaganda of the religious right (gays are child molesters, promiscuous, responsible for Nazism, etc.) and adding his own Protocols of the Elders of Zion-esque spin, saying that there's a global gay conspiracy to destroy marriage and that homosexuality will lead to the destruction of all mankind. I don't think it gets much more "antagonistic" than that.


And Then I Killed Myself

Well, now that at least 12 hours have elapsed, I guess I can share my embarrassing experience with you.

I had a Physics test yesterday. Seeing as I got a 75 on the last one, I decided to go to a study session 1st period. I walk in, and find that it's packed. The teacher hands out a test to everyone. This would have been Sign #1 that something was wrong, but I thought it was just an old test we were using for practice.

Then I come across a problem involving a boom and torque with which I have trouble. I ask the teacher for a little help. The resultant murmuring and the teacher slowly trying to explain things to me should have been Sign #2. And yet, I soldiered on.

When the test was done-- with very little trouble, I might add-- I handed it in, then suited up to go to my next class, resulting in this dialogue:

Teacher: "Hold on. Don't you have Lab next period?"
Me: "...No. Why?"
Teacher: "But aren't you in Purple [the class at present]?"
Me: "No, I'm in Tan [my class]. Why?"
Teacher: "[sputters of disbelief]"
Me: "Uh... what is it?"
Teacher: "Justin... you just took the test."
Me: "[pause, then long string of silent cursing]"

Turns out that was the real test. The teacher missed it because he didn't know I wasn't in that class, and none of the other students pointed it out because they'd thought I might have transferred (though why I'd transfer from one AP Physics class to another is a bit boggling). So, I was able to skip Physics later in the day, went off to Film, and felt myself slowly dying inside.



Can Someone Hand Me a Folding Chair?

Philly creates domestic partnerships for city employees. Yay, Philly! And boo to the malignant douche tumor who said this:

"I guess what they're saying is that 'the family' is anybody who has appeared on Jerry Springer," [William Devlin, family values fuckstick] added, referring to the television talk show host whose programs often feature people in unorthodox and destructive relationships.

And in my Final Thought, he's a turd.

Monday, December 06, 2004


Worse Than That One Where I'm at Dachau in My Underwear

Oh no no no no no no no no no no--

Phew! Sorry, I just had a bad dream, where in a rumor was going around that Justin Timberlake (or, as the affectionate crowds at Fametracker call him, "Punk-Ass Bitch") might be cast as Tony Stark in the Iron Man adaptation.

What? That rumor exists?

Oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no...


You Cannot Pretend That This is Not the Truth

Via Pam.

Former Laramie Police Chief tears Elizabeth Vargas a new one over the Matthew Shepard story. But here, I believe, is the quote that sums this entire matter up:

“The statements he made, the fact that after he was sentenced he was high-fiving other inmates and signing autographs in the jail — if it wasn’t motivated by bias, he was sure eating that up.” O’Malley said.

This is what happened. It was not drugs. It was not money. It was pure, vile hatred for another man because of his sexual orientation. No matter how many tearful, plea bargain-violating interviews McKinney gives to the media, that will not change the fact that after he was sent to jail for Shepard's death, convicts showered him with praise for beating the shit out of a faggot- and he warmly received it.

Oh, I'm sorry, or did his lawyers tell him to do that, too? I'm just entertaining an alternate theory, here. For posterity's sake, of course, and definitely not for cheap, exploitative ratings.


White Power Outage

The KKK has no free speech protections for those stupid hoods. Awesome. I mean, how is it a fucking Constitutional right to keep one's identity masked while spewing out hate speech? That's not freedom of speech; that's freedom of intimidation.

Meanwhile, the ACLU sets themselves up for another one from Rush Limbaugh by deciding to help the symbol of the apex of American hatred:

The attorneys said the ruling could have a broad impact, affecting other groups across the political spectrum. For example, "persons of Iranian descent who protested against the shah and who wore masks out of fear of reprisals against family members in Iran would not have been protected," they said.

Aw, how cute. The ACLU thinks that the KKK thinks of Iranians as something other than "sand monkeys."


I Have Gazed Upon the Beast...

...and he is Karl Rove.

I seriously had no idea this man was so evil. If he runs for President, we might as well start playing "Spot the End Times Phenomena".

Sunday, December 05, 2004


Yeah, Because Love and Acceptance? Are Pure Evil.

Check out what this guy has to say about what a representative of the Southern Baptists has to say about the UCC ad that wasn't:

The president of a Southern Baptist seminary questioned the ad when interviewed by ABC's Good Morning America.

"It is a piece of masterful propaganda, but it is a diabolical misrepresentation of Christianity," he said.

Yes, because welcoming outsiders into the flock is a devilish mockery of Christianity, but telling people to convert or burn is the pinnacle of Christ's love. Quoth Ed Wood: "These Baptists are stupid. Stupid. Stupid!"


Well. Guess I'm Not Eating for a While.

"For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do," said Tommy Thompson, Bush's retiring Secretary of Health and Human Services. "No, seriously, it's easy! Look, the only guys guarding the cattle farm are some meth junkies with shotguns... hell, it's real simple, I'll put up a guide on the web..."

Security wins!


So, Can Liberals Start Making French Jokes Again?

You know, I was very pissed off by those jingoists who referred to France as a bunch of "cheese-eating surrender monkeys" after they made the choice not to get into a war where, well, they had absolutely no solid reason to get involved. I felt good supporting the underdog nation. And then shit like this happens.

I bet there are jokes on half the conservative blogs out there about how the dogs couldn't smell the explosives because of the overpowering stench of their owners.


Tree and Trimmings

Yesterday, the Cognito Clan got its tree. This year, however, we had to find a new Christmas tree farm. Ever since I was young, we always shopped at a place that came to be known as the Christmas Tree Farm of Cherished Memories. Then came 2003, when it came to be known as the Christmas Tree Farm of a Steep-Ass Hill and Very Few Trees. We resorted to buying trees from a roadside stand, and after finding out that our neighbors (who'd managed to get a tree from the CTFoaSAHaVFT) had lost half their needles, we decided we needed a new tradition.

So, we headed out to Arrowhead Acres, which turned out to be surprisingly awesome. There was a whole array of trees, which, once cut down, would be handily tagged, netted, and brought to a drop-off point for your convenience.

Afterwards, we all went to lunch at a place called the Lil' Texan down the street. The food was great (I had Fried Ice Cream for the first time in my life), and the country music didn't make me want to cut out my eardrums with my knife. Though when I brought the subject up, Brother Cognito did promise to bury me in a shallow grave in the woods if I ever started to like country music. (Even if I kinda do. So don't be surprised if this blog doesn't get updated again.)

After getting home, we set up the tree and started decorating with beloved ornaments. And I finally realized just how gay I truly am, with all my comments about how "cute" and "adorable" certain ornaments were. Yup. Not one drop of testosterone here.

And now it's done. The tree is decorated, the lights are shining, and all we have to do is wait for the presents to stack up. Yay.

Friday, December 03, 2004


Hero of Free Speech and Fucktardry

Yes, Theo van Gogh made an important video. Yes, he brought attention to the suffering of women under radical Islam. And yes, he didn't deserve to get shot down. But you know what? He also called Muslims "goatfuckers" and said that a Jewish woman who criticized his work creamed herself at the thought of getting raped by Mengele. This is like holding a candlelight vigil for Michael Savage, for God's sack.

Of course, no one deserves to die for making a movie. But I don't want the conservative blogosphere flogging those damn liberals for ignoring the fact that a backwards racist got snuffed.


Fun for the Whole Family!

A little something for the special someone in your life. (Screen capture by AMERICABlog.)

Grandpa will be amazed that they still cost $10, just like when he was a strapping young man! Dad will be satisfied; it would be the perfect gift from Mom! And Junior--

I'm not even going to finish that sentence.

Thursday, December 02, 2004


We Better Start Loving the Bomb

Prepare to shit yourself: Iran may be developing missiles capable of blitzing European capitals.

Well. Figures we'd go after the only member of the Axis of Evil that couldn't kill us where we stand.


And Salt the Earth So Nothing Gay Can Grow in It

Rep. Gerald Allen of Alabama wants to pass a bill saying that any state institution will be barred from holding any play/book/movie with positive gay themes. And what, pray tell, will happen to books like A Streetcar Named Desire and Angels in America once the law comes into effect?

When asked what the state would do with the books once the law's in effect, Allen replied: "I guess we dig a big hole and dump [the books] in and bury them."

Well, that's just impractical! Everyone knows that if we bury them, the gayness will get into our water supply, and then our precious bodily fluids will be tainted.

If this bill does get passed, then Allen's gonna have a little obstacle; I'm gonna go on down to Dixie, and pull myself an Arthur Dent.


Keep It In Your Pants

So, among the "science" being spewed by certain abstinence programs is: half of all gay teens have tested positive for HIV; condoms fail 31% of the time; abortion can make a woman prone to suicide; oh, and men don't really like women who don't keep their mouths shut and stop offering advice. So, how are proponents of these programs responding?

Alma Golden, deputy assistant secretary for population affairs in the Department of Health and Human Services, said in a statement that [Rep. Henry A.]Waxman [D-Calif., head of the study on these programs]'s report is a political document that does a "disservice to our children." Speaking as a pediatrician, Golden said, she knows "abstaining from sex is the most effective means of preventing the sexual transmission of HIV, STDs and preventing pregnancy."

Hmm... I'm sorry, but I missed the part where Waxman said that we should tell teens to get involved in unprotected orgies in the school bathroom to keep the seed from spreading. Oh, right; that's because he didn't. Waxman supports sex-ed programs that emphasize abstinence; he, like anyone with a brain, just hates these junk programs that peddle religiously-motivated propaganda to the kids in the form of "science".

This is what's happening, people. All across the nation, facts are being thrown over for junk science, and if you disagree, then you're an enemy of virginity*. Kinsey must be doing the spin cycle in his grave.

*And An Enemy of Virginity is definitely going to be the name of my ironic-except-not '80s hair band.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004


Inclusion is Dangerous

Yeah, so the UCC came out with a 30-second ad talking about how their church doesn't turn anyone away. It was pretty innocuous: it shows two bouncers turning people away from a church, and then the voiceover comes on.

Well, it's not innocuous enough for CBS and NBC, who have deemed the ad "too controversial". Oh, but do you want to hear the best part?

"Because this commercial touches on the exclusion of gay couples and other minority groups by other individuals and organizations," reads an explanation from CBS, "and the fact the Executive Branch has recently proposed a Constitutional Amendment to define marriage as a union between a man and a woman, this spot is unacceptable for broadcast on the [CBS and UPN] networks."

Emphasis mine. Now, pardon me for asking, but what the fuck is this shit?

For fuck's sake. Has our nation devolved to the point where one can't even air a fucking dissenting opinion without fear of Michael Powell and his winged monkeys falling upon them? This ad had no sex, no drugs, no violence, and no swear words. And yet, it expresses the idea that hey, turning people away is kind of bad!

And we've dubbed this- this most innocuous of thoughts- the idea that every child in every school across America is taught- fiery and dangerous. All because the men on the Hill think differently.

Oh, and CBS? I don't remember you showing this much desire to conform to the President's wishes when you aired those fucking memos without verifying them first. Anyone else hear that? That's the idea of the "liberal media", going up in flames.

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