Tuesday, February 28, 2006


Hey, It's Time For the Two Minutes Hate!

From CNN: Report: Bush thinks bin Laden tae helped reelection bid.

He's not even trying to be secret about fucking with the public anymore, is he?

"What does it mean? Is it going to help? Is it going to hurt?" Bush told Sammon of the bin Laden tapes.

"Anything that drops in at the end of a campaign that is not already decided creates all kinds of anxieties, because you're not sure of the effect.

"I thought it was going to help," Bush said.

"I thought it would help remind people that if bin Laden doesn't want Bush to be the president, something must be right with Bush."

As opposed to bin Laden being able to make said statements?

Bush really doesn't want to catch bin Laden. He gets a tape from bin Laden that talks about how he's still running around after killing 3000 Americans, and Bush doesn't think about why he's still running around, but what it means to his campaign. And why would he want to catch bin Laden, after all? He's got his boogeyman. As long as bin Laden and everything he's associated with lurks in the background, he can do whatever he wants. Declare a war that has no practical end, spy on the American people, all of it. As long as he keeps us safe from the big, bad monster, he can do it all.

There's a mass murderer running loose, people. Can we get someone on the job who actually cares about this?

Monday, February 27, 2006


Any Port In A Storm

Yeah, I know I haven't been posting a lot lately. I've just been dealing with a lot of crap over the past few weeks. I think it's starting to clear up, though.

So... the ports deal with the UAE. Quite honestly, I'm kind of ambivalent about the UAE part of the story. I mean, I'm pissed that the US isn't patrolling its own ports, especially since people keep talking about how easily ports could be exploited for terrorist purposes. Still, from what I read, it doesn't sound like the UAE's going to be doing much security-wise, and the Coast Guard will be handling most of the security stuff. There, I think things are okay.

That doesn't mean I'm not pissed off about this whole thing, of course. First, Bush swears that he's going to veto anyone who blocks this deal once news of it comes forward. Then Rummy, who, y'know, should know about keeping the country safe, tells everyone he wasn't told. Then Bush, the guy who's been jockeying for this to the extent of threatening to use the first veto of his career to make sure it goes through, says that he didn't know everything about the deal. Now, it's come out that the UAE wouldn't be taking over six US ports, but twenty-one.

The really sad part is, when you look at this deal, which shows a clear failure to communicate in the White House and a lack of purpose regarding keeping America safe, it feels perfectly natural to say, "Just another day in Washington."

Friday, February 24, 2006


Reasonable Discourse In Our Modern Age

So, Ann Coulter speaks at a college, and one of the students asks if her fantasies about the broken and bruised bodies of Democrats may imply desire for a dictatorship. Her tactful, reasonable response?

"You don't want the Republicans in power, does that mean you want a dictatorship, gay boy?"

Yes, because we gays and dictatorships go together like peanut butter and chocolate. Look at Hit- oops, uh, Stal- no, wait, Cast- damnit...

So, what does the head of the College Republicans have to say about this... illuminating statement?

"I think the guy could have been more respectful to her," he said. "I mean, we already know that she was going to be controversial and she was just saying what people were thinking. If you are going to talk like you are gay, then Ann Coulter is going to call you gay. Of course, she said it in a spiteful tone, but it was expected."

The emphasis is mine. Now, by this logic, there are so many things I could call Ann Coulter, ranging from "gushing sewer" to "the demoniac flutes of the pipers of Azathoth." I'd just like to focus on the fact that the head of the College Republicans not only didn't apologize for the fact that Coulter responded to his question with a homophobic insult, but laid the blame at the asker's feet for "talk[ing] like [he was] gay." (And how did he do that? Did he lisp?)

Once upon a time, people would feel the slightest tinge of disgust if their heroes acted like name-baiting, prejorative-using asshats. Now they make excuses for them. I believe that in ten years, Coulter will be sacrificing kittens to Gozer on stage to extend the blasphemous glamours that make people think she's anything other than a man-sized preying mantis, and her defenders will blame the kittens for having such tasty souls.

Thursday, February 23, 2006


Save The Children, and Screw The Mothers

Remember that bill I mentioned earlier passed by the House in South Dakota, which would ban almost all forms of abortion in the states? Well, it just passed the Senate. Now, it heads back to the House for second approval, and then on to the Governor.

There's little chance that the bill will survive anything more than a stiff breeze from the Supreme Court. After all, the people who drafted it claim that they're using the bill to wait for someone to directly challenge it, at which point they'll take it to the Supreme Court, Roe v. Wade will be overturned, and unborn fetuses and fluffy bunnies will frolic in a sunny field while loose women die of justly-deserved sepsis brought on by rusty coathangers in back alleys. Even with a court stacked in favor of conservative leanings, the bill's just too controlling to be considered:

Republican Sen. Stan Adelstein of Rapid City had tried to amend the bill to include an exception for abortions for victims of rape. The amendment lost 14-21.

“To require a woman who has been savaged to carry the brutal attack result is a continued savagery unworthy of South Dakota,” he said.

Republican Sen. Lee Schoenbeck of Watertown objected.

Rape should be punished severely, he said, but the amendment is unfair to “some equally innocent souls who have no chance to stand and defend themselves.”

The Senate also defeated a proposed amendment to insert an exception to allow an abortion to protect the health of a pregnant woman. That was offered by Republican Sen. David Knudson. It failed on a 13-22 vote.

Yes, it doesn't matter whether your baby's birth is going to cause massive internal damage that may very well kill you, because life is precious.

The pro-life movement is, in a good number of cases, no longer about life; it's about control. It's about telling people what they can and cannot do, what recourses they can't take in the face of a horrible accident or worse. This bill is just another example of the attempted grasp on women's rights. Here's hoping that it goes no farther than South Dakota, and at best, not even there.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


Do Rubber Nipples Make It Casual Wear?

Yes, for the sum of just $100,000, you, too, can purchase the movie memento most indicative of the superhero film equivalent of Three Mile Island!

Here's hoping whoever buys this has the good sense to burn it with fire.

Monday, February 20, 2006


Give Me A Blowjob, And Maybe I'll Let You Out of the House

Bastards like this disgust me. This fucker drafted up a "contract" for his wife that looks like it came straight out of the Middle Ages, only with more references to fellatio and shaving one's bush. He actually refers to her as his "sex slave" at times.

Luckily, the shitheel's facing a number of charges. Here's hoping that if he ends up serving time, his big burly roommate makes him sign something a hell of a lot like this.

Sunday, February 19, 2006


In Which My Sanity Snaps Like A Drag Queen

I would rather stage a dramatic reading of passages from the Necronomicom than gaze upon a video of Kid Rock and Scott "I'm Banging For Jesus!" Stapp doubling up on four groupies.

I bet if you watch this backwards, you can see the face of Azathoth.


"So, Can We Take Out Bin Laden Like Jack Ryan Did?"

There are hundreds of scientists who will say that global warming is very much real, and that humans are having a significant effect on it. There is one novelist, who once wrote about cloning dinosaurs from DNA in the belly of a mosquito trapped in amber, who will say that global warming does not exist. Guess which one Bush talked to?

The leader of the free world is resorting to talking to novelists when the facts go against his world view. I've heard of the current Republican party relying on fiction, but, damn.

Friday, February 17, 2006


Wade In The Water

In another example of how the Bush administration does not yet have the power to rewrite reality, glaciers in Greenland are melting at twice the normal rate.

We're the only technologically-advanced nation on Earth whose leaders could give two shits about global warming. Don't worry, though; I'm sure this will all be made up for when we can get beachfront property right on the coast on Las Vegas.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


Gays? Nope, Never Heard of 'Em

Well, look at that. The DNC has released its Annual Grassroots Project to the public. Wow, I'm sure this will be a great document that will revitalize the party! This document will surely show how the DNC's willing to stick up for the oppressed, for the gays and lesbians who are being treated like a political sacrificial lamb by--

Oh. Wait. We're not in it. Imagine that.

I take back what I said before. This is no longer a choice between a savage beating and being raped with a steak knife. This a choice between being raped with a steak knife and having a bodyguard who, when approached by a guy who wants to rape you with a steak knife, say, "Oh, by all means, go ahead." Fuck this.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


Viiir-giiiiins, 'Til The Day We Die!*

Grab your d20s and your Mountain Dew, geeks are coming out of the basement. All right, so this article's a bit late in predicting the wave of "geek chic", but hey, they talked to Ruth at Pandemonium. Seeing as Pandemonium is the first gaming store I ever went to, I have to give it a little love.

*And if any of you honestly think I'm serious about this title, you haven't heard the works of Stephen Lynch

Monday, February 13, 2006


The World's Biggest Quail

So. Dick Cheney shot someone. When the news first broke, the blogs I usually visit were cracking up about it. I'll admit that there's some humor in it, but, at the time, I figured, hey, it's an accident. We all make shitty mistakes, and I'm sure Dick will come clean about everything.

Only, not so much:

Unofficially, maybe a little: "'The vice president was concerned,' said Mary Matalin, a Cheney adviser who spoke with him yesterday morning. 'He felt badly, obviously. On the other hand, he was not careless or incautious or violate any of the [rules]. He didn't do anything he wasn't supposed to do.'"

...you shot a man in the fucking face, Dick. I don't care if the quail in Texas can carry off buffalo in their talons like the roc, you did something very fucking wrong.

Start denying responsibility for the big things, and soon enough, it works its way down to the more personal stuff. I bet he tells Lynne he hasn't done anything wrong if he ate too much of the meat sauce before the pasta could be served.


I Gay-Bashed A Man In France Just To Watch Him Die

So, I haven't been paying a lot of attention to the James Frey scandal. Really; a guy wrote a memoir where a lot of the stuff described therein never happened? Quelle horreur. Get back to me when we're talking about the wiretaps again.

Then I read this review, which Rossi posted when discussing the scandal:

Frey and his tough-guy friends spend more time weeping and hugging than the runners-up in a Miss America competition. Frey's aggressively male stance has something archaic, even campy about it. Frey has placed the entire book in a gender-segregated institution, recalling Hemingway's title Men without Women. (Male patients are not allowed to say anything more than "Hello" to female patients in Frey's rehab center.) And like most homoerotic novelists of the 1930s, his true period, Frey resorts to violence to prove he's no homosexual, confessing (that is to say, boasting) that he beat a French priest to death for daring to place his hand on Frey's utterly masculine thigh. (emphasis mine)

Wait, what? A man admits to having kicked another man to death because he came on to him, and this shit gets praised by Oprah? What the fuck is wrong with our country?

Saturday, February 11, 2006


It Was A Sign Of Solidarity! Like, "What Up, Raghead?"

Ann Coulter calls Muslims "ragheads" at the Conservative Political Action Conference... and gets a standing ovation.

Hooray for the Hitler Youth.


Now Entering the Maelstrom

The South Dakota House has voted to ban almost all abortions.

Get ready. The fight for everything we stand for, for our very right to privacy, is about to begin.

Friday, February 10, 2006


"Now We're Gonna Practice Eating Out... At A Fancy Restaurant!"

Want something that makes "Hot Coffee" look like a cuddle party? How about a promotional game for a movie where one of the goals is to successfully give your wife cunnilingus before the kids get home?

Really, what else can I add to this?


We're All Just A Little Bit Racist

Mary Matalin: "I think these civil rights leaders are nothing more than racists." Because I'm sure she has a lot of experience in this area.

She and James Carville must have amazing hate sex.


This Is What I Get For Letting Homework Kick My Ass

Yeah. So, apparently, while I was feeling the crushing weight of an eight-page assignment yesterday, politics went blammo all around me.

First of all, the Washington Times's magazine stated that the wiretaps did fuck-all, as al Qaeda had already learned to use couriers. Furthermore, whenever someone was designated a potential terrorist, all their calls were monitored, even if they went to another person in the United States- which goes against Bush's statement that the program limited all wiretaps to international calls.

Meanwhile, Scooter Libby squealed like a pig, claiming that Cheney gave him authority to spill classified information to journalists "to defend the Bush administration's use of prewar intelligence in making the case to go to war with Iraq" (read: to do the political equivalent of detailing Joe Wilson's car using a baseball bat). Of course, this is only testimony for now, but I bet there's a lot of squirming going on in Washington right now.

This is what happens when I put homework first.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


How Dare They Honor A Legacy That Makes Us Feel Uncomfortable?

So Coretta Scott King's funeral turned into, horror of horrors, a way of honoring what she and her husband stood for. And of course, now wealthy white Republican talking heads are bitching about how rude it was for the commentators to mention that MLK's dream is being shat on by our current government.

I go with Steve Gilliard on this one: Fuck you, Kate O'Bierne. Fuck you, and fuck every other cake-eating, Thunderdome-joke-cracking giggling fool who left New Orleans to marinate in its own juices. The reason why Lowry spoke out at King's funeral is because King herself could not come back from the dead to kick all of your asses.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


You've Got A Nice Candidacy. Shame If Something Were To Happen To It.

They're not even trying to be sneaky about corruption anymore.

The White House has been twisting arms to ensure that no Republican member votes against President Bush in the Senate Judiciary Committee’s investigation of the administration's unauthorized wiretapping.

Congressional sources said Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove has threatened to blacklist any Republican who votes against the president. The sources said the blacklist would mean a halt in any White House political or financial support of senators running for re-election in November.

"It's hardball all the way," a senior GOP congressional aide said.

Bush is officially trying to turn the Republican Party into the Borg. Out-fucking-rageous.


Party Favors

A Christian Coaltion-based polling group working for Bush spreads a rumor that McCain had an illegitimate black baby, and McCain gives Bush a bear hug. Barack Obama politely suggest that they use Democratic legislation that needs a Republican cosponsor, and not a bipartisan committee, to deal with ethics reform, and McCain rips a strip off of him.

Bipartisanship isn't dead. It's been bound, gagged, tossed into the trunk of a '75 Crown Victoria, taken into the woods, beaten with a shovel until dead, fed through a wood chipper, and is now serving as a 24/7 worm buffet.

Sunday, February 05, 2006


See? It Spins Around Us!

Again, I am a man of faith. I believe that there is a god up there who created this universe. Beyond that, all else is uncertain. Did he take an active hand in our creation after there were nice hunks of rock floating in space? Did he make the earth in less time than it took to film The Blair Witch Project? I have no fucking clue. And I don't pretend to; I do not have the resources to map the history of the universe. Luckily, there are men who can, men who have trained their whole lives to do this, men who use proven formulas and substantiated theories to graph something approaching a conclusion.

And wouldn't you know, Bush is shitting on them, too:

The Big Bang memo came from Mr. Deutsch, a 24-year-old presidential appointee in the press office at NASA headquarters whose résumé says he was an intern in the "war room" of the 2004 Bush-Cheney re-election campaign. A 2003 journalism graduate of Texas A&M, he was also the public-affairs officer who sought more control over Dr. Hansen's public statements.

In October 2005, Mr. Deutsch sent an e-mail message to Flint Wild, a NASA contractor working on a set of Web presentations about Einstein for middle-school students. The message said the word "theory" needed to be added after every mention of the Big Bang.

The Big Bang is "not proven fact; it is opinion," Mr. Deutsch wrote, adding, "It is not NASA's place, nor should it be to make a declaration such as this about the existence of the universe that discounts intelligent design by a creator."

It continued: "This is more than a science issue, it is a religious issue. And I would hate to think that young people would only be getting one-half of this debate from NASA. That would mean we had failed to properly educate the very people who rely on us for factual information the most."

So, for summary: a 24-year-old whose prime qualifications for his position is that he helped out on a presidential campaign tells men who have advanced degrees, years of research, and the past hundred years of established science under their belts that we must bring "the other side" into a debate that shouldn't be based on a few pages from a book that has seen God-only-knows how many translations over the years. This is like the secretary of the people who fund the effort to rebuild the World Trade Center telling the leading architect that he might want to get some opinions from her five-year-old son Billy, who draws a pretty good picture of a house.

Whatever happened to cold, hard, reasonable, provable facts and solid, substantiated scientific theories? Next thing you know, we'll be told that the dinosaurs never went extinct and are vacationing on Jupiter.

Saturday, February 04, 2006


Why Chris Matthews Does Not Head Up The FBI

There's been a series of fires breaking out in Baptist churches all across the South- no, screw "fires breaking out", it's arson. The FBI has been called in to investigate the matter, and is looking at it as possibly a hate crime.

And Chris Matthews suggests that maybe it was a liberal, a gay liberal at that, who's pulling these attacks off. This is so stupid, it makes smart explode by coming into contact with it. Yes, let's assume that two groups, who have a history of propagating politically motivated attacks that runs from slim to nil, pulled this off, and not the racists and neo-Nazis that, as the nice experienced FBI agent says not ten seconds before Matthews's big load, have a history of setting fire to places of worship.

Then again, what else do I expect from Chris "Bareback Mountain" Matthews?

Thursday, February 02, 2006


No Words

A teenager went into a gay bar and shot three men and attacked some of them with a hatchet. This was up here in Massachusetts, mind you, home of gay marriage and full tolerance towards gay people.

Hate happens everywhere. I can only imagine what it would be like in a place where this shit's a regular occurrence.


Only A Sith Deals In Absolute Bullshit

John Rogers of the ever glorious Kung Fu Monkey takes the arguments of Jason Apuzzo, head of the Libertas conservative film movement, and rips them into tiny little shreds. And God, does this man deserve it. Here is one of his many, many shitty arguments:

You may remember George Lucas. Some thirty years ago he made a little film called “Star Wars” that revolutionized filmmaking, inspired a new generation of filmmakers, and saved Hollywood’s finances. Lucas recently revolutionized filmmaking again by pulling Hollywood kicking-and-screaming into the digital age. In 2005 he made a little independent film called “Star Wars Episode III” that was the year’s box office champ, received some of the warmest reviews of Lucas’ career, and successfully rounded-out the most popular and influential film series in movie history.

George’s thanks for all this? “Star Wars Episode III” got one nomination this morning, for Best Makeup. Lucas wasn’t nominated for Best Director, although George Clooney was for “Good Night, and Good Luck.” “Star Wars"’s Ian McDiarmid, playing the deliciously wicked Chancellor Palpatine, wasn’t even nominated for Best Supporting Actor.

So sorry, George Lucas. If your film doesn’t get us angry at Bush, Oscar just doesn’t care. Why? Because we’re now in the era of film as social activism, The New Triviality ...

I... I... what movie was this man watching? First of all, Episode III? Not the most Bush-friendly movie in recent history. Second of all... an Oscar? An Oscar for that shit? With the wooden acting, the hackneyed script, and the turning of one of the galaxy's greatest mofos into a cross between Frankenstein, Carrie White, and a mopey little goth? What drugs does this man take, and where can I get them?


After All, It's Not Like There's A War Going On

Apparently, the Joint Chiefs of Staff at the Pentagon have nothing better to do than bitch about cartoons that make the Administration look bad. Y'know, I'd almost be able to buy their whole "This is about not mocking the suffering of the troops!" thing if they, y'know, had done anything when Ted Rall all but drew a cartoon of himself taking a massive shit on Pat Tillman's grave.


No Grants For Dr. Moreau

Would someone tell Bush that he's not stuck in a Flash Gordon serial?

Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research – human cloning in all its forms … creating or implanting embryos for experiments … creating human-animal hybrids … and buying, selling, or patenting human embryos.

Damn you, Bush. It's my constitutional right to a werewolf.

Seriously. If only Bush would spend as much time thinking about Katrina and Iraq as he does about Mars programs and chimera.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


Getting Shirty

Both Cindy Sheehan and the wife of a conservative businessman were kicked out of the State of the Union for wearing T-shirts. Not speaking. Not waving a banner. Wearing T-shirts.

It is not a crime to wear a "disruptive" T-shirt. It is not a crime to wear a T-shirt with a political message in the Capitol, as it is not considered a demonstration. And yet, these women were carted off for sitting silenty and wearing T-shirts that either a) got a political message across, or b) were believed to do so.

What's next? Humorous bumper stickers?... Oh, wait.

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