Tuesday, August 31, 2004


Oh, Yeah, Very Liberal Media

CNN has declined to air an ad by the Log Cabin Republicans attacking the GOP platform, calling the footage of the ad "too controversial".

Then again, I can see their point. The ad does feature footage of Fred Phelps in all his hateful glory, and I can't even hear his name without my vision turning red and the theme from Ironside playing in my head, so this is probably going to spare my TV from a destructive fate.


Talk to the Hand, Bitch!

Remember, kids, Bush and his people are people of values... except for those enshrined in the First Amendment.


What, Was "Go Fuck Yourself" Already Taken?

"People of Compassion." That's tonight's little theme at the RNC. Sure, gays are being deprived of every right inherent in a relationship in the eyes of the law, but we're being compassionate about it. Sure, we want a Constitutional amendment that strips a women of her right to choose, but we care. Sure, we want to block research that may well hold the cure to Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, but we mean it in the best way possible.


Cue the Godfather Theme

They said it, not me: The far right, through the head of the Family Research Council, openly admitted that they made the GOP platform more anti-gay just to tweak Cheney.

Maybe they should have just put a horse head in his bed.


Freedom's Just Another Word For Something More to Lose

Well, today's my last day of summer. As of 7:30 AM tomorrow morning, I'll be back in school. But it's not going to be any ordinary school year, no sir. It will be my senior year of high school. And the thing is? I'm kind of afraid.

I've spent all my life in this town, and I've been in its school system ever since I was four (preschool program; I'm not a child genius). I've been through elementary school, junior high, high school, all the way from K to freakin' 12. I've made friends, and sometimes enemies, with my teachers. I've made some friends, and many more acquaintances, amongst the student body. And I'm just afraid of what's gonna happen next.

Wait: I know what's gonna happen next. I'm going to leave this school. I'm going to go to a nice college with a solid liberal arts program and study to be a screenwriter. I will do graduate work at UCLA. I will sell many a script. I will take over Hollywood. So I really don't think I should be that afraid.

So. Tomorrow's senior year. Better make it count.

Monday, August 30, 2004


What You, The At-Home Revolutionary, Can Do

Clog up Ed Gillespie's in-box with some well-deserved centrism, courtesy of moderate Republicans.


The Passion of the Kal-El

Someone needs to tell the Warner Bros. producers that Superman is a Christ figure, not Christ.


I Have Responsibility. That's a Scary Thought.

And so begins a new chapter in the life of young Justin Cognito: The One Where He Can Vote.

I just registered. As soon as I send the printout to my local government, I'll be a registered voter for the state of Massachusetts. And I'll be voting for Nader.

Kidding! Kidding.


So It Begins

The RNC, and the resultant protests, kick off today. Don't worry, protesters; I'm with you in spirit.


Jawohl, Mein Husband

Yeah, remember when we all thought Jerry Falwell was gonna do the invocation at the RNC? It gets worse. Instead, they picked Sheri Dew, a woman who actually compared gay marriage to Nazism.

This chick seriously needs Godwin's Law stapled to her forehead. And Ed Gillespie needs to be pimp-slapped into next week.


Woops, False Alarm, People

That's the last time I trust Wonkette on anything not directly related to assfucking.

On the other hand, Keyes is getting his butt kicked up and down the boulevard by Obama.

Sunday, August 29, 2004


Jerry Falwell: The Best Little German

Okay, everyone, remember Jerry Falwell's comments after 9/11? The ones about how God made the attacks that killed 3,000 people happen because we didn't get down on our knees and love him enough? How he blamed gays, feminists, the ACLU, and "pagans" for making God angry?

Well, guess what: He stands by those comments. This man needs a good swift kick in the nuts but fast.


And Now, a Happy Little Dance for the People of Illinois

Wonkette is reporting that Alan Keyes got the smackdown from local Democrats for not being a resident of Illinois, and is thus not eligible to run for Senate.

So, a little history of the Illinois GOP effort for a Senate candidate: their first candidate drops out after his "family values" platform doesn't successfully hide the fact that he takes his wife to sex clubs. They go for Mike Ditka, who tells the party that he considers his beliefs too conservative even for them. So they appeal to a four-time loser for everything he's ever run for who comes from out of state: he accepts, makes a few speeches about abortion, God, and 9/11 that would make Jerry Falwell choke on his drink, and then gets his ass shot down. All of this while running against a guy who is considered one of the new dynamos of the Democrats.

Someone on the GOP must have broken a fucking humongous mirror.



I get pimped at AMERICABlog.

First AMERICABlog, tomorrow Wonkette!


My Eyes! The Goggles Do Nothing!

Ganked from AMERICABlog.

Apparently, most sex toy users think that Bush is a tiger in the sack. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to cut out my eyeballs and pour lye down the sockets.

Saturday, August 28, 2004


Your Career is Supposed to be Dead, Steven. Dead!

Steven Seagal may play the villain in the Brett Ratner-helmed Rush Hour 3. This might just be the most useless movie ever made.


Musical!: The Musical

Okay, Broadway, a little primer in the good and bad of musical adaptations:

The Wall: The Musical? Good.

Spider-Man: The Musical? Bad.

Monty Python's Spamalot!? Very good.

The Last Starfighter: The Musical? Oh my God the badness is eating my sooooooul!

Thank you.


"You Suck. Lucky Numbers 1, 3, 8, 14, 17, 23"

So, the Family Research Council, that bastion of compassionate conservatism, is handing out fortune cookies during the RNC. And what does one of those cookies read? "Real Men Marry Women."

Oh, hoh! Because those gay people- they're such pansies! Ah, hah, hah, hah!

This is what it comes down to, people. No "gay men molest children", no "gay men are promiscuous", none of that. It's "gay men are weak". Well, at least we know what loving Christians they really are.

Friday, August 27, 2004


Was Gloria Steinem Behind This?

Tom Leykis, the talk show host who named Kobe Bryant's accuser, got kicked upside the head yesterday. And reading about him, I just want to send the guys who did it a fucking fruit basket.


"Did You See the Sign That Says 'Dead Muppet Storage'?"

Quentin Tarantino to star with Muppets. There are going to be some freaking disturbed little kids.

Thursday, August 26, 2004


Okay, Now They're Just Flaunting It

About a day after revealing that they're taking their party platform from the Book of Leviticus, the GOP has announced a second roster of C- and D-list entertainers who will be performing at the RNC. Oh, and one of those performers? Just happens to think that gays kill kids.

I don't think they could drive the point home more if they had a spike, a sledgehammer, and the proper motivation.


The "DC" Stands for "Dead Chicks"

Okay, for those of you who aren't familiar with Ron Marz and his "brilliant" career writing for Green Lantern, a little summary: Once upon a time, Kyle Rayner, the Green Lantern, came home to find a note from his girlfriend Alex, saying that she'd left something in the fridge. He opens the fridge, and what does he find? Alex, folded in half, dead. The incident led to female comic book writer Gail Simone creating Women in Refrigerators, the tell-all guide to the trauma suffered by female superheroes and female companions of male superheroes.

Now, Ron Marz comes back to wrap up Kyle Rayner's time as the Green Lantern, only to have the same supervillain who offed his girlfriend do the same to his mom. And where does Kyle find his mother? Folded up in the oven, dead.

Seriously. Comic book readers deserve better. Hell, comic book characters deserve better. So, fuck you, Ron Marz. Fuck you right in the ear.


Ia! Ia! Christ Fhtagn!

Jack Chick does the Elder Gods.

Seeing as I got bombarded with a Chick tract in a hotel bathroom last weekend, you can understand why I'm amused by this.


Go Ask Alice, When She's a Little Blonde Robot

Please, someone stop giving Dakota Fanning work. She scares me.


Far Right to Dick Cheney: "Go Fuck Yourself."

Yeah, remember that GOP platform I linked to earlier, in which the FMA was called for? Well, turns out it was just a draft, and someone was pulling a little Thomas Jefferson act during the day.

This is the new, "improved" GOP party platform, calling not only for a Federal Marriage Amendment, but also rescinding of civil union and domestic partnership benefits. And if you don't like it? Well, you can't do anything at the state level.

This is great. No, really. These guys are so pissed that their party is finally getting a little bit more moderate that they decide to go Dark Ages on everyone's ass. And we all know what happened the last time someone on the Republican Party shouted, "Culture war!" in a crowded convention center...


Fully-Clothed Republicans Screaming!

Oooops. Looks like the NYC Tourist Board left its common sense at the door when it put a little production called Naked Boys Singing! on the list of delegate discounts.

They wisely pulled it off the list, because seriously, who wants to clean up after the far right's heads explode?

Wednesday, August 25, 2004


But He Uses That Stuff to Make Albums!

Just when I thought my level of respect for Dave Matthews couldn't get any lower, it does.


So Much for the Bloody Coup

Well, looks like all that plank-offering and moderation was useless: This year's GOP platform calls not only for the Federal Marriage Amendment, but also a separate Constitutional amendment that will ban abortion.

Of course, this is all going to go over like a lead balloon carrying anvils, so let's just get the pointing and laughing out of the way, shall we?



California Schemin'

A group of California lawyers are trying to overturn California's extensive domestic partnership law, saying that Proposition 22 ("man and woman", etc.) applies to it.

Wow. You know what they're saying here, right? They're saying, "You queers have no right as a couple. You have no relationship. You can't see your partner in the hospital, you can't adopt his kid, and you can't inherit his property if he dies without a will. So go fuck yourselves."

Hopefully, cooler heads will prevail.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004


"Uh, Mary? You Can Come Back in Now."

Cheney: "Let States Decide Gay Marriage."

Translation: "Because the issue appears dead in the water, and the president has finally decided to remove his hand from my ass, I can finally stop stabbing my daughter in the back." Uh, glad to have you back, Dick. I guess.


Know Thine Enemies

A laundry list of the Christian Reconstructionists, evangelical leaders, theocrats, and Christian Zionists who throw their support behind Bush. Reason #29,403 to get Bush out of office: To keep America from becoming the Republic of Gilead.

By the way, am I the only one surprised that Tim LaHaye is a Christian Reconstructionist? I mean, I knew he had enough screws loose to stock a Home Depot, but... wow.


Celebrity Star"power" for Bush

And no, it's not another slag on the guest list for the RNC. Apparently, Jessica Simpson supports Bush. I believe you can make your own joke.

But wait, there's more! Shannen Doherty apparently supports him, too. Damn. I think we have a new campaign slogan: "Vote Bush, or Shannen Doherty will personally fuck your shit up."


"We Defend Bashing Gays- I Mean, 'Biblical Free Speech'"

I'm fascinated by this story. A student in California was suspended for wearing a shirt on the Day of Silence reading "Homosexuality is Sinful", with "Romans 1:27" written on it. Of course, the Alliance Defense Fundies stepped in, arguing that the kid had a right to "Biblical free speech."

I just wonder... if I wore a shirt that said "Stone Raped Women to Death; They Deserve It" and "Deuteronomy 22:21" on it, and got my ass kicked out, would the ADF step in to help me?

Yeah. Probably not.


Make the Hurting Stop

I thought we agreed to never let the Wayans Bros. make movies again after White Chicks.

Monday, August 23, 2004


Ghost of a Chance

Okay; let's say you own the rights to one of the oldest characters in comicdom, one of the characters who, through your writing efforts, pretty much made comics what they are nowadays. Now, would you sell that character to the producer behind both Catwoman and Constantine?

If you said "no", then you chose wisely. If you said "yes"... well, if you're not Will Eisner, then I can't let you read my blog anymore. Go. Now. Before I release the hounds.


I Got Your Controversy Right Here

Ellen DeGeneres is God. Troy Perry's gonna love this.


We Love Big Brother

Senate Republicans are allegedly considering dismantling the CIA and putting the new operations under the national intelligence director.

Yes, 'cause we all know that people keep a level head when they have massive control over an entire intelligence agency, right? Oh, wait.

Sunday, August 22, 2004


Okay, Then, We'll Just Call Him "Normal" Jacko

Michael Jackson: "God, would you guys stop calling me 'Wacko Jacko'? I mean, it's perfectly normal that my skin has the consistency of Tupperware, and that I played Rafiki with my baby from a German hotel balcony, and that my nose is shorter and tinier than a hummingbird's sex organs, and... fuck, what was I saying again?"

Saturday, August 21, 2004


Pink Elephants on Parade

The Log Cabin Republicans threaten to throw down on national television unless the GOP embraces a more moderate agenda. In other words, there's gonna be carnage.

Sorry for lack of content so far today. Blogger was acting up earlier in the morning.

Friday, August 20, 2004


What, No Witch Burnings?

Wonkette gets her hands on the RNC schedule. Some of the more distinctive items:

• 11:00 PM, Reception, Grand Havana Room Cigar Bar, 666 5th Ave.- Either this is one fucking big coincidence, or Michael Moore is right.

• 10:00 PM, W Stands For Women: Leaders and Volunteers RightNOW!, Pressure, RightNOW!, Reps. Katherine Harris, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, Marilyn Musgrave, RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie and more.-God, given the fact that Musgrave and Gillespie are on the list, "W" must stand for "Women (and how we can keep them in the kitchen)".

• 5:30-7:30PM, Senator Rick Santorum Cocktail/Martini Fundraiser, Tuscan, 622 3rd Ave., Sen. Santorum, Sen. Rick Santorum and Special Guess Bo Dietl- God, I hope some hellraiser changes it from "Tuscan" to "Roxy."

• TBD, Frist After Party, Charity for Global HIV/AIDS Crisis*, Rockefeller Center, Sen. Frist, Sen. Frist- the asterisk stands for "And How We Can Avoid It."

Once again, I'm not using these comments to bash moderate Republicans, just the real slimebags who seem to think the party is their puppet. I can only imagine what the schedule must be like for the protesters.


An SUV-Wreck Waiting to Happen

Proving that no bad deed goes fully punished, Lizzie Grubman's getting a reality show on MTV.

Just another reason to switch to Fuse, people.


And My Sanity Lives Another Day

Okay, anyone who wanted to see Bob Barr naked needs to be correctionally beaten with reeds.

And, wonder of wonders, he even manages to gay-bait McGreevey when talking about his appearance. Cram it sideways, Barr.

Thursday, August 19, 2004


Going For the Abortion Clinic Bomber Vote, I See

Alan Keyes: "God made 9/11 happen because we kill babies."

He didn't say that in an interview, mind you, or in a sermon. He said it in a fucking public speech.

Hey, Illinois GOP? I think you would've done better sticking with the orgiast.


So, This is the Nice Young Man Phyllis Schlaffly's Son is Dating

Call Tony Kushner, we have the subject for his next play. Lee LaHaye is an openly gay man living in the DC area. If the last name "LaHaye" sounds familiar, that's because it is: he's the son of Tim LaHaye, author of [Anyone Who Isn't a Carbon Copy of Jack Chick Gets] Left Behind, and Beverly LaHaye, founder of Concerned Biblical Reconstructionists- woops, "Women"- for America. Not only that, but he's the fucking CFO of his mom's business, which tosses out enough propaganda against gays to make Goebbels cream his gusset.

Lee LaHaye, on behalf of The Evil Petting Zoo, I bestow upon you The First (And Probably Only) Annual Best Little German Award. Now go slime your fellow man some more.


Where's Your God Now?

Remember William Boykin, the Lt. Gen. who started a shitstorm by saying he was winning the War on Terror because it was a big game of "My God's Better Than Your God"?

Well, turns out he fucked up- big time- by saying that. The message? Don't fuck with Allah.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004


Oh, They're Probably Just Going for the Open Bar

Bush Twins to attend gay wedding.

Okay, so, let's take another look, shall we?: The FMA didn't even reach open debate in the Senate. Lynne Cheney says gay marriage should be left to the states. And now Bush's daughters are going to one. I think the idea of this as a matter of serious debate has gone the way of the dodo.


Boys Who Do Boys Who Do Girls- I Mean, Boys

Well, this is interesting. Golan Cipel, NJ Gov. Jim McGreevey's Monica, has been swearing up one side of the street and down the other that he was straight, and that he refused McGreevey's advances. Except, not so much, as sources close to the governor are saying that a man has come forward, claiming to be Cipel's love muffin.

Damn. I thought stuff like this only happened on soap operas.


For the Littlest Pundit in Your House

The O'Reilly Factor For Kids. Expect to hear "Shut up!" on more playgrounds this fall.


Episode 7: Rise of the Ewoks

George Lucas may just be making Episodes 7-9 of Star Wars after all. You know, when I was a young geek, and Episode 1 was just a glimmer on the horizon, I would have jumped for joy at this announcement. Now? I just want the hurting to stop.


I Wouldn't Be Surprised If It Traces Back to Sean Hannity

Now this is frightening. The whistle blower who stopped the abuses at Abu Ghraib is getting death threats, as are his loved ones. Because apparently, stopping grevious flauntings of human rights is an offense punishable by death.

I'm beginning to agree with Glark: America is scary.


School of Hard Heads

Continuing in his fight against American progress, Jerry Falwell's starting a law school. And in courtrooms across America, judges reach for the Maalox.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004


The Link that Ate My Morning

ThisIsNotPorn.com. I have no idea what it is, but you're welcome to try and figure it out. Knock yourself out.

Oh, but if you really feel the need to cheat, flip through here.


Lois Lane's Going to Be a Bi Dominatrix, Isn't She?

You know, I really begin to doubt the commitment of Warner Bros. to their DC properties when they put Superman casting calls on craigslist.


"Do You Wanna Bark, Little Doggie, Or Do You Wanna Bite?"

Dear Michael Madsen: Please step away from the abyss. Thank you.


Um... Hope That Works Out For You

So a bunch of moderate Republican groups, including the Log Cabin Republicans, are extending a "Plank of Unity" in the hopes of keeping the party from becoming Pat Robertson's mouthpiece.

While I'd love it if this worked, the truth is, the far right is probably going to take said "Plank of Unity" and beat everyone else unconscious with it. Read this account of what James "The Protocols of the Elders of P-Town" Dobson did when his top lieutenants suggested toning down the anti-gay bile. If worst comes to worst, we might find Patrick Guerriero's body in the Hudson.

Monday, August 16, 2004


Why Evangelicals Scare Me

I'm sorry, but when the head of the Christian Coalition says, "We have the President", doesn't it sound like it should be followed by, "Bring $5 million in unmarked bills to this address"?


How To Get My Ass in a Movie Theatre

Y'know, if a movie has Bruce Campbell and Dave Foley in it, then I don't care if it's a freaking documentary on the history of cheese, I will gladly sit through it. Thrice.


What Do You Know- Evil Can Enter Churches

On the eve of his latest hearing, Michael Jackson gave some face time at L.A.'s top black church.

"L.A.'s top black church"? Well, then, what was he doing there?

Yeah, I know. I'm ashamed for going that route, too.

Sunday, August 15, 2004


Fighting Crime for Fun and Profit

So, through the benevolent intervention of my dad, my dad's non-screwed-up downloading system, and a Zip Disk, I can finally partake of the wonders of City of Heroes. And wonders they are.

However, it is a bit annoying when your name keeps getting taken. "Pentecost" already taken, eh? Well, then... I'll go by "Pentacost"! It's absolutely stupid, and I'll probably get sued over it!

Well, after abandoning the whole "Pentecost" idea, I ended up going with my default character, The Virtue. Only, not, because apparently, "Virtue" was taken. So, climbing up the hierarchy of angels, I tried "The Throne". Taken. I was going to try "The Dominion", but then I realized that naming a gay guy dressed all in black "Dominion" would take the entire thing into a very scary place, so I skipped it.

So, my character is now named "Ophan", after the singular of "Ophanim", the Hebrew way of saying "Thrones". It's archaic, outdated, and approximately five people will get it. In other words, it's perfect for me. Any other City of Heroes users interested in checking out Ophan in action can catch me on the Champion server.

Wow. Is it just me, or did it get a lot geekier in here?


My Computer Hates Me, Part II

And now, a chronology of things said to my computer:

12:30 PM: "Woo hoo, City of Heroes! Can't wait to play this."
12:45 PM: "Yay! Installation's completed! ...Huh? Now I have to sit while my computer compiles everything. Okay. I can wait."
2:00 PM: "Man, that was long. But now I can't wait to start playing."
2:01 PM: "What the fuck do you mean, 'wrong video card'?"
2:02 PM: "Ah, well, it's okay: I can just download the new version of my video card from this website."
2:04 PM: "Oh, fuck, not this again."
2:06 PM: "C'mon, don't give me trouble..."
2:07 PM: "'52% downloaded'? What piece of shit server craps out at 52% downloaded?"
2:08 PM: "Please...?"
2:10 PM-Present: *crying like a little girl*

I don't know what I did to piss off the Mighty Computer Gods, but judging from what's happening, I sure as hell meant it.


What is This Continuity You Speak Of?

(WARNING: This post consists entirely of the moanings of a comic book fan. For those of who you don't give two cents about comic books, go get a nice cup of coffee.)

I'm beginning to view John Byrne less as a comic book writer and more as an invading band of Visigoths with typewriters and story ideas. You see, instead of actually expanding on the ideas of his forebearers and building new things, he tears everything down just so he can put what he wants where he wants it.

For example: He starts writing Superman: Man of Steel, and instantly decrees that Clark Kent was never Superboy. He revamps Doom Patrol, but says that the Doom Patrol never existed in the DC Universe, even though thirty years of comics exist saying otherwise.

And now? He's tackling Etrigan the Demon, but says he's planning on "returning the character to the Kirby standards." I swear, there must be a statue of this man somewhere in the desert with "Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!" carved into the base.


"Peace and Prosperity"? Fuck That!

And now, some Olympics news: The Iranian judo champion won't compete. Why? Because his opponent is Israeli. Even the Iranian president supports the move.

Hey, Iran. Notice how we aren't getting our panties in a knot over having to play France in certain events? Learn from it.


"Give Us This Day Our Daily Rice Cake..."

Ganked from Lisa Schmeiser.

Oh, that crazy Catholic Church! Even when clogged up with those annoying little lawsuits from abuse victims, it still manages to find the time to deny those allergic to gluten full Communion because their daily bread wasn't bready enough.

As Lisa points out on this issue, arguing the specifics of the bread and wine totally defeats the purpose of Communion. Jesus merely took two objects that were present near him and said, "These represent my body and blood; partake of them, and you will be one with me." If he had picked up rice cakes and beer, we'd be having rice cakes with little crosses on them and low-alcohol lager every Sunday. As long as the objects are sanctified in the name of the Lord, I don't think it matters what form of grain they consist of.


Hello, and Welcome to Blackmail!

The Christian Coalition of Alabama wants a roll call on where the state's politicians stand on the anti-gay amendment, and will publicly reveal the names of anyone who answers "no". Hey, why don't we do things like this? Oh, yeah; we have something called tact.

In other news, I want to have this man's babies:

"I'm going to be doing some barbecuing this week and I'm going to use [the letter and petition] to light the coals for my barbecue in the barbecue pit," [State Rep. Alvin] Holmes said.

Saturday, August 14, 2004


Suddenly, I'm Longing for the Days of Ross Perot

Just for fun, I've been rifling through a list of third party candidates.

Y'know, we live in a strange world when a "pro-North Korea" communist party looks less frightening than parties with the words "American" and "Constitution" in them (seriously? I think that woman running under the American Party is Serena Joy in disguise).

Or, if you want a little variety, how about an ex-porn star in the Naval Observatory? Hell, I'd vote for that!... if, well, she stood any chance of winning, so, not really.


"Smaller Government", My Entire Ass

Alan Keyes, the conservative mantra that walks like a man, now suggets keeping those silly little people from voting for senators and returning to the pre-1913 practice by which the right people- I mean, "special state legislatures", picked them.

Oh, Alan, Alan, Alan. Is this what it's come down to? Even you know that Barack Obama is going to kick your ass from one side of Illinois to the next, so you're going to do anything to make sure this isn't so in the future? Damn.

Friday, August 13, 2004


Cooking for God

Julia Child dead at 91. Her body will be preserved in a giant bottle of cooking sherry.


Just When I Thought It Couldn't Possibly Get Any More Confusing...

...it does. Now Bush supports civil unions on the state level, while Kerry's position is looking cloudier than eyeglasses in a sauna. The gay conservative blogosphere must be going wild.

By the way, sorry for the lack on content. In recovering from my adventures in oral surgery, I've rediscovered Final Fantasy X, which is like crack in video game form. So, I've been distracted from my blogging duties by the pretty, pretty battle sequences and Japanese orchestral score. Yeah. I'm ashamed of myself, too.

Thursday, August 12, 2004


The Gayden State

The Governor of New Jersey is stepping down after confessing to an affair. Nothing new, right? Well, it is when the tasty little side dish has a penis.

Great. Can you even imagine what this does to New Jersey's machismo? Bruce Springsteen's going to have to say, "Uh, Jersey? No, man, I'm from, uh... Pennsylvania. Yeah." Oh, the shame!


Wedding Bell Blues

Well, you win some, you lose some... or a lot, in this case.

Still. I believe that one day, we will look back on people like Gavin Newsom and respect them. So he broke the law. It's not like he murdered anyone or sold drugs! Many famous civil rights leaders have broken the law. Rosa Parks broke it when she refused to get up. MLK Jr. broke it when he sat at the lunch counter. And Mahatma Gandhi broke it when he refused to submit to the will of the British.

We will win one day. Just not today.


Oh, Matthew, How Could You?

NewsRadio vet Andy Dick recently went bitch crazy at a NYC night club, with behavior including but not necessarily limited to: tonguing Seth Green; crying about his "friend" Rick James; punching his other friend in the face; and asking total strangers for blow.

Jimmy James is not pleased.


Fill-in-the-Blank 'R' Us

Why does it seem like everything from my childhood has suddenly decided to commit honorable suicide? First FAO Schwarz dies a painful death, and now Toys 'R' Us is talking about dropping the "Toys" part.

Please, Gods of Commerce, at least leave me with Kay-Bee Toys.


On the Plus Side, At Least I Have Drugs

We were somewhere around the doctor's office on the edge of town when the drugs started to kick in. I remember saying something like, "I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive..." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about forty miles an hour with the top down to our house. And a voice was screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"

All this is my long, Hunter S. Thompson-esque way of saying that the oral surgery was a success, my wisdom teeth are singing with the choir invisible, and I am heavily medicated. I can't eat anything with a consistency tougher than cotton candy. And my chin and lower lip feel deader than Corey Feldman's career.


Carnage on the Great White Way

This should be fun. Apparently, Tony Kushner's "Laura Bush reads to dead Iraqi kids" play is being double-billed with Patriot Act: A Public Meditation- and both will be playing in a free show while the RNC is in town.

Damn. Makes me wish I had the time and money to go to New York.


To Dream... The Impossible Dream...

Is Bush working with his speechwriters to cut down on anti-gay bullshit?

While I'd love it if it were so, the answer is probably: no. How do we know about this piece of news? Because it's being reported by the Washington Times, the paper that refers to gay marriage in inverted quotes and whose owner crowned himself the Messiah. When it comes to gay rights issues, they're on par with the Weekly World News (which is an insult to the Weekly World News, because Bat Boy rules).

Still. Would be nice if it were true.


Under the Knife

Well, wish me luck. I'll be going in to have my wisdom teeth removed at eight this morning. And I might be spending the afternoon conked out on pain pills, so good luck getting anything coherent today.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004


Of Course. I Mean, It's Not Like There Are Terrorists Or Anything...

Ganked from Atrios.

You know, some days I have to wonder if there's a little loophole in Godwin's Law. Because when I read the blatherings of a far-right idiot who thinks that gays are the greatest threat to America, all I can think of is some diminuitive little German guy yelling, "Juden Raus!"

Oh, by the way, as John points out, this asshole is the head of the Presidential AIDS Commission. If all this sounds horribly familiar, it's because Bush's last pick, Jerry Thacker, made quite the number of statements about gayness being a "deathstyle". Yet another reason to vote Kerry.


Is No Video Game Sacred?... Oh, Wait, It's Just BloodRayne. Nevermind.

Yeah, remember what I said about Uwe Boll and video game adaptations a few posts back?

Well, now it's just getting fucking ridiculous.


The Stepford McCain

"Look, George, I know you savagely tarred everything I ever did and said during the 2000 Primaries, and I know I've disagreed with about half the things your administration has said and done, but... well, George, I wuv you."
"Well, John, that's, um... that's very... God, could you put your arm somewhere else, you faggot?"


Coming Soon: Uwe Boll's Sonic the Hedgehog

Okay, everyone, new drinking game: every time a new movie based on a video game comes out directed by Uwe Boll, drink as if your very sanity depended on it.


Wha About Da Chirrun?

The FCC has ruled that Buffy and Will and Grace are not indecent, so we can all go on breathing.

Y'know, I have long held a certain view about family television crusaders: if you don't like what your kid is watching, do something about it. One shining example is L. Brent Bozell's bitchfit to ABC about showing an episode of NYPD Blue that features a rapist with a dildo fancy. I can just imagine ABC's reply: "Sure, Brent, but if a kid is watching a show 10 PM EST, 9 PM CST that has a steady reputation for 'grittiness' and bare male asses, then where are the parents?"



SPOILERS about The Village and Running Out of Time follow.

So, anyway, before The Village came out, everyone at Fametracker was saying, "God, I reeeeeally hope that the twist isn't that 'the village' is really just segregated from modern society." Everyone came up with all different ideas for what the twist could be, because it just couldn't be that.

And... then it was. The twist was exactly that. So, while everyone threw things at the screen and cursed Shyamalan's well-nigh unpronouncable name, someone drew comparison to Running Out of Time, a young adult novel about a girl on a historical preservation who is sent out into the present by her mother to get medicine that will help combat an illness that is killing the reservation's children.

Well, turns out we weren't the only ones who noticed.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004


Greek Mythology Turns Over In Its Grave

Apollo and Athena. The greatest brother-sister pair in the history of myth. God and goddess of hunting, prophecy, medicine, music, and the sun and the moon.

And, thanks to the 2004 Summer Olympics, two of the butt-ugliest mascot thingies the world has ever seen. Good Christ. They look like Cabbage Patch Kids from the Love Canal, people!

Niobe must be laughing herself sick right now.


Oh, Nossa, Massa

Okay, people, new corollary to Godwin's Law: a person's arguments are ruled irrelevant when his opponent is compared to a slaveholder.


Man of Plastic

Oh, shit. Apparently, Bryan Singer wants Tom "Pretty is the New Acting Talent" Welling of Smallville to play Superman.

Bryan, Bryan, Bryan. I know you like the mancandy. I've heard stories of you getting... "serviced" while directing and editing X2. But could you please not let it get in the way of good filmmaking? Just try to get into Tom Welling's pants at any other time besides this. Please?


Recipe for Disaster

-Take one (1) comedy of manners with unidentifiable content.
-Stir in one (1) producer who was responsible for the abomination known as Honey.
-Add the screenwriter behind Racing Stripes, a movie about a zebra who thinks he's a racehorse.

Let sit, and run like hell in the opposite direction.


"Is That Why It Appears To Be Paved With Rubber?"

So, India has a lot of people with AIDS, and, in reponse, a lot of condoms. Only problem is, people are using said condoms for everything but AIDS protection, down to roofing, polishing gold, and popsicle protectors.

Okay, I made the last one up, but for Christ's sake.

Monday, August 09, 2004


And Carrie Nation Does a Happy Little Dance

Ganked from Reason.

The lower house of the Russian Parliament unanimously approved a bill that would severely limit the content of liquor ads, cutting out people, animals, and messages that create the "illusion that drinking beer is important for the achievement of social or other success."

I wonder how this came about, exactly: "Well, it's too late to save Yeltsin, but maybe... just maybe..."


Oh, As If I Really Needed More Proof That He Was Evil

Michael Savage: "Human rights = boyfucking."

Okay, so, in summation: he's compared those interested in basic human liberties to pedophiles; he's called kids killed by gun violence "ghetto slime"; and he compared Elizabeth Smart's kidnapping and repeated rape to Debbie Does Dallas. God, I bet Lucifer shits himself at the very thought of sharing Hell with this guy.


Don't Judge Me!

Okay, everyone, I want you to take a look at this.

Yes, that's Ewan MacGregor after completing a 20,000-mile motorcycle tour. And yes, he looks like he got styling lessons from the dad on American Chopper. But you wanna know the sad part?

I think he looks smoking hot.

Yeah. I know I need help.

Sunday, August 08, 2004


GOWP: The Grand Old White Party

And no, I'm not referring to a new addition to the party circuit that takes place in Kansas. I'm referring to James Hart, the GOP candidate in Arkansas who believes that the "less-favored races" should get the fuck out of America- and who, incidentally, happened to win the Republican primaries there.

The strange part is, I haven't really heard the mainstream media making a fuss about this. Nothing from CNN, nothing from MSNBC. And the really strange part is, I haven't heard the conservative media denouncing it, either. Sure, it's a recent article, but a brave visit to the bastion of rapid-fire conservatism that is the National Review blog picked up nothing (well, except for a bunch of crap tossed at Kerry, gays, pro-choice women, etc.).

Now, there's no way this fuckstick's getting elected. He's the next Jean-Marie Le Pen; everyone's going to stand up and say, "Fuck, that guy got the vote?" and rush to the voting booths in favor of someone else faster than a cattle stampede. My main problem is, in an era where both parties are allegedly so accepting of blacks, and the GOP is arguing that the Democrats are taking advantage of the black caucus, why the hell aren't more people standing up and denouncing this nutter, especially Republicans? Because let me tell you: if this becomes a major news item and backfires- well, it will backfire, of course, and in splendid fashion- and no one in the GOP stood up and denounced it beyond the local level, well, there's gonna be a lot of egg on a lot of faces.


"I Don't Want to Be An Idiot, But..."

Bush: "Who the heck wants to be a 'war president'?"

Hmmm. I don't know. Maybe the guy who got us involved in a fucking war? Christ on a tricycle.


Oh, What a World We Live In

Clothes and an XBox. Six people dead because of some clothes and an XBox.

God, the world can be so fucking stupid some days.


...And Reason #560,729,013,458

Because Bill O'Reilly thinks "Muslim" is on par with "fascist".


Why FOX News Sucks, Reason #560,729,013,457

Only at FOX News could a show host turn a discussion about Disney's new kiddie-safe computer into a stupid attack on Gay Day.


"But Don't Worry, All Our Agents Will Outrun the Explosion."

The CIA is using screenwriters to predict possible terror plots. So, our efforts to stop the terrorist attacks of the future will involve manly men firing off two pistols in slow motion, busty chicks with ludicrous careers, and foreign people with sinister accents. Good to know.


Doom, But No Gloom

Julian McMahon of Nip/Tuck will be playing Doctor Doom in the Fantastic Four movie.

It's not Ray Liotta. All is good.


Warning: Flash Gordon Approaching!

I spent three years at a little summer camp down in Pennsylvania designed to help kids with slight developmental disabilities (in my case, Asperger's Syndrome). All it did was serve to torment me and waste my parents' well-intentioned thousands of dollars, but that's another story. My first year there, everyone in my little corner of the camp was hauled into the canteen to watch the '80s version of Flash Gordon. A part of me died in that canteen. Then we were told that we would be performing a stage version of Flash Gordon- complete with musical numbers- and the rest of me died. To this day, I still can't hear the Queen theme song without breaking out into a painful rash (you'd think I'm exaggerating about that, but nooooo....).

So, needless to say, it does not fill me with delight that Flash Gordon is coming to the screen yet again, this time helmed by Stephen "I Should Have Been Lobotomized After Van Helsing" Sommers.

If anyone needs me, I'll be wrapped in a blanket and catatonically singing, "He saved every one of us...", over and over again.


Don't Panic

After moaning, bitching, and beating my head against the keyboard, I have finally found a WindowsMediaPlayer version of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy teaser.

The tone's a bit... off, isn't it? I mean, with the dramatic music and the slow pans, it feels a bit like an apocalyptic sequel to Men in Black rather than the work of Douglas Adams.

Ah, well. My ass will still be in theatres next summer.

Saturday, August 07, 2004


And Dave Chappelle Loses a Beloved Punchline

Rick James dead at 58. The sad part is, every late night comic will be joking about how his grave is going to read, "I Was Rick James, Bitch!"


Back to Work, or the Lack Thereof

I'm back from the Cognito Family Reunion 2004.

So, the Friday before we depart for beautiful North Carolina, we find that my infected little toe has developed a strange pustule. We immediately panic, because we fear that it might be another case of cellulitis, which succeeded in keeping me out of school and in the hospital for three days a few years back. We rush to the ER and brace for the worst. However, this time, it's not as bad; all I had to do was take some pills, cleanse it twice a day, and avoid any body of water that might carry microorganisms. This includes pools, hot tubs, lakes, and pretty much any body of water that wasn't contained in a house (and even then, it was iffy).

Medical crisis averted, we fly down and endure a 5-1/4 hour butt-numbing drive from Nashville, TN, to Lake Lure, NC (on a related note, death to Southwest Airlines). We finally arrive at our house at about 8:00 PM, and I opt out of visiting the relatives to gently collapse in a coma.

Anyway, the house... it was nice, with wide windows, a view of the mountains, and a TV in every bedroom. This kinda made up for the fact that the house was a little interesting, and by "interesting", I mean, "lacking in anything secular". Seriously; there were framed versions of the Prayer of Jabez and the Serenity Prayer, there was a VHS version of a movie titled, aptly, Jesus, and every one of the aforementioned TVs was tuned to FOX News. Mind you, I didn't end up picking up on these subtle nuances until I went exploring the bookshelf and found that every book (and you'd think I'd be exaggerating) had titles like The Rapture and There is No Loophole to God's Law.

We visit the relatives at what is determined to be the finest of the houses for dinner every night. I am bombarded with questions about college choices that I don't really mind answering, and play Texas Hold 'Em with the twentysomething Cognitos downstairs. I really enjoy it, actually, and feel good about seeing everyone again.

Well, the reunion is over, and I am reunited with the Internet. The only thing that kind of kills the joy is that I have a fuck of a lot to catch up on. Damnit.

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