Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Bitter Fruits Take to the Vine
The Oscar noms are up, and we all know what that means: that yesterday, the nominations for the Golden Raspberry Awards, chosen by Discordia as her new favorite fruit, were announced. And here they are, although not in a rather convenient format.
An initial observation: Wow. They... really didn't like Dirty Love, did they? I mean, it's pretty obvious that anything written by a Playboy model and starring members of Sum 41 is not going to be His Girl Friday, but Jesus. You'd think they could throw a little more shit Uwe Boll's way.
And, once again, here are my picks for the winner:
Worst Screenplay: Hmm... a bunch of fine choices. Of all of them, I'd say Bewitched has the best chance, since not only was it an adaptation of a TV show, but it tried to be all kinds of Charlie Kaufman-like meta, and failed on all accounts.
Worst Director: Uwe Boll. Seriously. Yes, the man's name may be merely an in-joke amongst gamers and spec geeks for now, but never underestimate the power of a directing style that could be best summed up as, "Follow the nice paycheck, Mr. Big Name Actor."
Worst Remake or Sequel: Here, I believe The Dukes of Hazzard will win out over Bewitched. Sure, both are remakes of old television shows, but hatred for Jessica Simpson will probably burn brighter than any bungling of the concept of meta.
Worst Screen Couple: I'm going to go for Jenny McCarthy and Guest in Dirty Love. Seeing as the entire movie could best be described as "Freddy Goes Fingered gets a sex change and tries to get laid", it works as a perversion of coupling and romance on a level of blasphemy not seen since the Black Mass.
Worst Supporting Actress: Katie Holmes. First of all, the whole TomKat thing has probably driven any concept of mercy from these men's minds. Second of all, she was in Batman Begins. Y'know, the movie that had Gary Oldman, Cillian Murphy, Michael Caine, Christian Bale, and Liam Neeson in its cast. It's like putting black up against white, only "black" is "good acting" and "white" is "flatness on a level that a desert mesa would appreciate."
Worst Supporting Actor: Hayden Christensen. I know, it's not his fault that George Lucas turned the baddest mofo in the Empire into a whiny little bitch (and, seriously- "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"?), but the Razzies has made a habit of shitting on the new trilogy, and someone has to take the fall.
Most Tiresome Tabloid Targets: It's like the online ad said: every second we spent talking about Tom Cruise's latest antics was a second we could have spent talking about Darfur. Tom Cruise and the courtship of Joey Potter will earn the Golden Raspberry of Shut the Fuck Up Already.
Worst Actress: Tara Reid, by herself, is a large enough target. Tara Reid playing an archaeologist, however, is the thing that tempts calling in an airstrike. Still, given the Razzies' hate-on for Dirty Love, and seeing as Jenny McCarthy both wrote and starred in the thing, I think she'll take home the gold.
Worst Actor: Tom Cruise. See also: Katie Holmes.
Worst Picture: Hmm... nothing really stands out. I'd either have to say Dirty Love as a testament to the monumental hubris of Jenny McCarthy, or Dukes of Hazzard as yet another spanking of Jessica Simpson.
We'll see how it all turns out soon enough.
An initial observation: Wow. They... really didn't like Dirty Love, did they? I mean, it's pretty obvious that anything written by a Playboy model and starring members of Sum 41 is not going to be His Girl Friday, but Jesus. You'd think they could throw a little more shit Uwe Boll's way.
And, once again, here are my picks for the winner:
Worst Screenplay: Hmm... a bunch of fine choices. Of all of them, I'd say Bewitched has the best chance, since not only was it an adaptation of a TV show, but it tried to be all kinds of Charlie Kaufman-like meta, and failed on all accounts.
Worst Director: Uwe Boll. Seriously. Yes, the man's name may be merely an in-joke amongst gamers and spec geeks for now, but never underestimate the power of a directing style that could be best summed up as, "Follow the nice paycheck, Mr. Big Name Actor."
Worst Remake or Sequel: Here, I believe The Dukes of Hazzard will win out over Bewitched. Sure, both are remakes of old television shows, but hatred for Jessica Simpson will probably burn brighter than any bungling of the concept of meta.
Worst Screen Couple: I'm going to go for Jenny McCarthy and Guest in Dirty Love. Seeing as the entire movie could best be described as "Freddy Goes Fingered gets a sex change and tries to get laid", it works as a perversion of coupling and romance on a level of blasphemy not seen since the Black Mass.
Worst Supporting Actress: Katie Holmes. First of all, the whole TomKat thing has probably driven any concept of mercy from these men's minds. Second of all, she was in Batman Begins. Y'know, the movie that had Gary Oldman, Cillian Murphy, Michael Caine, Christian Bale, and Liam Neeson in its cast. It's like putting black up against white, only "black" is "good acting" and "white" is "flatness on a level that a desert mesa would appreciate."
Worst Supporting Actor: Hayden Christensen. I know, it's not his fault that George Lucas turned the baddest mofo in the Empire into a whiny little bitch (and, seriously- "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"?), but the Razzies has made a habit of shitting on the new trilogy, and someone has to take the fall.
Most Tiresome Tabloid Targets: It's like the online ad said: every second we spent talking about Tom Cruise's latest antics was a second we could have spent talking about Darfur. Tom Cruise and the courtship of Joey Potter will earn the Golden Raspberry of Shut the Fuck Up Already.
Worst Actress: Tara Reid, by herself, is a large enough target. Tara Reid playing an archaeologist, however, is the thing that tempts calling in an airstrike. Still, given the Razzies' hate-on for Dirty Love, and seeing as Jenny McCarthy both wrote and starred in the thing, I think she'll take home the gold.
Worst Actor: Tom Cruise. See also: Katie Holmes.
Worst Picture: Hmm... nothing really stands out. I'd either have to say Dirty Love as a testament to the monumental hubris of Jenny McCarthy, or Dukes of Hazzard as yet another spanking of Jessica Simpson.
We'll see how it all turns out soon enough.
