Thursday, September 29, 2005
Reading is Fun... Especially When It Angers a Fundamentalist
Here's a meme: how many banned books have you read? I count 29:
Scary Stories (#1, and with "good" reason; that story with the spider eggs fucked my nine-year-old shit right up)
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (#6, and one of the biggest "PC" bannings)
Of Mice and Men (#7; I got nothing)
Bridge to Terabithia (#9; I read somewhere that this was banned because of "occult themes". "Occult themes"? It's about two kids who meet at a bridge and plot out a fantasy world! It's about as occult as playing make-believe!}
My Brother Sam is Dead (#12; again, nothing. Just going to say that both this and Terabithia were on my fifth-grade reading list, so suck it, "concerned parents".)
The Catcher in the Rye (#13; it was the prostitute, wasn't it?)
The Giver (#14; was it because of the euthanasia? Because if it was, maybe you should read the book again...)
Goosebumps (#16; God, the occult is everywhere, isn't it?)
The Great Gilly Hopkins (#21; why was this banned? Extreme brattiness?)
A Wrinkle in Time (#22; okay. Let me get this straight: one of the most positively spiritual sci-fi books not written by C.S. Lewis gets banned? What the fuck? Was it because fundamentalists didn't like that Charles Wallace starts listing all those people after Jesus as positive influences against the Forces of Darkness?)
The Stupids (#26; all I can say about this one is, do not see the movie. Tom Arnold deserves to be flayed for it.)
The Witches (#27; and here I thought people fighting the occult would win points! Ah, well.)
The New Joy of Gay Sex (#28; look, this was most definitely extracurricular, all right? I can kinda see why it should at least be put in a "special" section of the library, though.)
Kaffir Boy (#31; again, another stunningly anti-racism tone that gets blocked because of the epithet)
The Handmaid's Tale (#37; I somehow love the irony of this book being challenged by fundamentalists. "Damnit, we can't let them see our playbook!")
To Kill a Mockingbird (#41; this book needs to be read by everyone over the age of 10)
Cujo (#55; somehow, Stephen King managed to survive getting placed on the list for this long. Hell, I'm surprised IT and its kid sex didn't get it placed somewhere in the single digits.)
James and the Giant Peach (#56; again, I got nothing)
What's Happening to My Body? Book for Boys (#61; hey, it was one of those mandatory puberty things. Though I can see why some people would want to keep people in denial about their naughty, naughty genitals.)
Slaughterhouse-Five (#69; never mind the stunning anti-war message, there's a porn star!)
Lord of the Flies (#70; again, nothing)
Native Son (#71; nothing)
Carrie (#77; again, this gets on the list but IT doesn't?)
The Dead Zone (#83; I can't keep making the IT jokes)
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (#84; no idea about this one)
Song of Solomon (#85; oh mah Gawd! Lesbians!)
Where's Waldo? (#88; apparently, there's a topless woman in the beach scene. Shock. Horror.)
The Drowning of Stephen Jones (#94; how dare we be told not to kill gay people!)
How to Eat Fried Worms (#96; my fourth-grade teacher read this one to the entire class. If I can say anything about the elementary school education, it's that it strove to piss off fundamentalists.)
And, for a bit of variety, here's a book I'm surprised isn't on the list:
Like Jake and Me. This is a picture book about a kid visiting his divorcee dad, Jake, on a ranch after being dropped off by his mom. At some point in the book, a wolf spider crawls down Jake's back, and the kid helps Jake undress to find it. No, I'm not joking; the kid helps his dad get naked. In the end, Jake's naked with a cowboy hat over his privates, and the mom is charmed enough to consider taking him back. All I'm saying is this book gave me funny feelings, even at age eight.
So, keep reading, kids. It's the best way to make your mind expand and fundamentalists' heads explode.
Scary Stories (#1, and with "good" reason; that story with the spider eggs fucked my nine-year-old shit right up)
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (#6, and one of the biggest "PC" bannings)
Of Mice and Men (#7; I got nothing)
Bridge to Terabithia (#9; I read somewhere that this was banned because of "occult themes". "Occult themes"? It's about two kids who meet at a bridge and plot out a fantasy world! It's about as occult as playing make-believe!}
My Brother Sam is Dead (#12; again, nothing. Just going to say that both this and Terabithia were on my fifth-grade reading list, so suck it, "concerned parents".)
The Catcher in the Rye (#13; it was the prostitute, wasn't it?)
The Giver (#14; was it because of the euthanasia? Because if it was, maybe you should read the book again...)
Goosebumps (#16; God, the occult is everywhere, isn't it?)
The Great Gilly Hopkins (#21; why was this banned? Extreme brattiness?)
A Wrinkle in Time (#22; okay. Let me get this straight: one of the most positively spiritual sci-fi books not written by C.S. Lewis gets banned? What the fuck? Was it because fundamentalists didn't like that Charles Wallace starts listing all those people after Jesus as positive influences against the Forces of Darkness?)
The Stupids (#26; all I can say about this one is, do not see the movie. Tom Arnold deserves to be flayed for it.)
The Witches (#27; and here I thought people fighting the occult would win points! Ah, well.)
The New Joy of Gay Sex (#28; look, this was most definitely extracurricular, all right? I can kinda see why it should at least be put in a "special" section of the library, though.)
Kaffir Boy (#31; again, another stunningly anti-racism tone that gets blocked because of the epithet)
The Handmaid's Tale (#37; I somehow love the irony of this book being challenged by fundamentalists. "Damnit, we can't let them see our playbook!")
To Kill a Mockingbird (#41; this book needs to be read by everyone over the age of 10)
Cujo (#55; somehow, Stephen King managed to survive getting placed on the list for this long. Hell, I'm surprised IT and its kid sex didn't get it placed somewhere in the single digits.)
James and the Giant Peach (#56; again, I got nothing)
What's Happening to My Body? Book for Boys (#61; hey, it was one of those mandatory puberty things. Though I can see why some people would want to keep people in denial about their naughty, naughty genitals.)
Slaughterhouse-Five (#69; never mind the stunning anti-war message, there's a porn star!)
Lord of the Flies (#70; again, nothing)
Native Son (#71; nothing)
Carrie (#77; again, this gets on the list but IT doesn't?)
The Dead Zone (#83; I can't keep making the IT jokes)
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (#84; no idea about this one)
Song of Solomon (#85; oh mah Gawd! Lesbians!)
Where's Waldo? (#88; apparently, there's a topless woman in the beach scene. Shock. Horror.)
The Drowning of Stephen Jones (#94; how dare we be told not to kill gay people!)
How to Eat Fried Worms (#96; my fourth-grade teacher read this one to the entire class. If I can say anything about the elementary school education, it's that it strove to piss off fundamentalists.)
And, for a bit of variety, here's a book I'm surprised isn't on the list:
Like Jake and Me. This is a picture book about a kid visiting his divorcee dad, Jake, on a ranch after being dropped off by his mom. At some point in the book, a wolf spider crawls down Jake's back, and the kid helps Jake undress to find it. No, I'm not joking; the kid helps his dad get naked. In the end, Jake's naked with a cowboy hat over his privates, and the mom is charmed enough to consider taking him back. All I'm saying is this book gave me funny feelings, even at age eight.
So, keep reading, kids. It's the best way to make your mind expand and fundamentalists' heads explode.
