Sunday, November 05, 2006


Teddy the Witch Prayer

Speaking of Ted Haggart, in a revelation that will surprise no one, the man is batshit crazy:

He was always on the lookout for spies. At the time, Colorado Springs was a small city split between the Air Force and the New Age, and the latter, Pastor Ted believed, worked for the devil. Pastor Ted soon began upsetting the devil's plans. He staked out gay bars, inviting men to come to his church; his whole congregation pitched itself into invisible battles with demonic forces, sometimes in front of public buildings. One day, while he was working in his garage, a woman who said she'd been sent by a witches' coven tried to stab Pastor Ted with a five-inch knife she pulled from a leg sheath; Pastor Ted wrestled the blade out of her hand. He let that story get around. He called the evil forces that dominated Colorado Springs—and every other metropolitan area in the country—“Control.”

"Control"? Jesus Christ, Ted, if you're going to claim to be staked out by a great all-encompassing malignant force, at least come up with an interesting name for it.

Sometimes, he says, Control would call him late on Saturday night, threatening to kill him. “Any more impertinence out of you, Ted Haggard,” he claims Control once told him, “and there will be unrelenting pandemonium in this city.”

"Oh, and Ted... is your refridgerator running? Then you'd better catch it! Haw haw haw!*"

And in case you think this is all hilarous delusion, think about this:

He sent teams to pray in front of the homes of supposed witches—in one month, ten out of fifteen of his targets put their houses on the market.

That's ten people, possibly ten families, driven out of town due to one man's belief that he was being staked out by an infinite demonic conspiracy that just happened to take root in Colorado Springs. Did President Bush really listen to this man?

*Jack Chick got one thing right: the forces of darkness have really fucking obnoxious laughs.

I personally love the idea that Satan's army is going around threatening the impertinent with unrelenting pandemonium. Hee! Who knew demonic forces were so erudite?
Well, you're the Devil. You can't just say "Bitch I'll cut you!", can ya?
Well like Mssr. Chick I am trying daily to work "SURPRISE IT'S THE LORD JESUS CHRIST!" into everyday conversation. Haven't gotten it in yet, but I will. Oh I will.
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