Saturday, March 31, 2007


A Special Message From The Civic Warnings Department

Hello! I'm glad you found this blog. I'm guessing that, if you've come to this post, it's because you've likely done a frantic Google search for the terms "John Doe Muslim WTF". This might be because you have received a card from one "John Doe", you are Muslim, and you are wondering, what the fuck.

Now, first of all, I just have to confirm something with you. Is this the text of the message you received?

Dear Muslim Terrorist Plotter/Planner/Funder/Enabler/Apologist,

You do not know me. But I am on the lookout for you. You are my enemy. And I am yours.

I am John Doe.

I am traveling on your plane. I am riding on your train. I am at your bus stop. I am on your street. I am in your subway car. I am on your lift.

I am your neighbor. I am your customer. I am your classmate. I am your boss.

I am John Doe.

I will never forget the example of the passengers of United Airlines Flight 93 who refused to sit back on 9/11 and let themselves be murdered in the name of Islam without a fight.

I will never forget the passengers and crew members who tackled al Qaeda shoe-bomber Richard Reid on American Airlines Flight 63 before he had a chance to blow up the plane over the Atlantic Ocean.

I will never forget the alertness of actor James Woods, who notified a stewardess that several Arab men sitting in his first-class cabin on an August 2001 flight were behaving strangely. The men turned out to be 9/11 hijackers on a test run.

I will act when homeland security officials ask me to “report suspicious activity.”

I will embrace my local police department’s admonition: “If you see something, say something.”

I am John Doe.

I will protest your Jew-hating, America-bashing “scholars.”

I will petition against your hate-mongering mosque leaders.

I will raise my voice against your subjugation of women and religious minorities.

I will challenge your attempts to indoctrinate my children in our schools.

I will combat your violent propaganda on the Internet.

I am John Doe.

I will support law enforcement initiatives to spy on your operatives, cut off your funding, and disrupt your murderous conspiracies.

I will oppose all attempts to undermine our borders and immigration laws.

I will resist the imposition of sharia principles and sharia law in my taxi cab, my restaurant, my community pool, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and all public spaces.

I will not be censored in the name of tolerance.

I will not be cowed by your Beltway lobbying groups in moderate clothing. I will not cringe when you shriek about “profiling” or “Islamophobia.”

I will put my family’s safety above sensitivity. I will put my country above multiculturalism.

I will not submit to your will. I will not be intimidated.

I am John Doe.

Now, I'm not accusing you of perpretating any threat against America. In fact, the odds are, you haven't. The odds are, you are a normal, civil American citizen who just happens to be Muslim. Your imam teaches you to be nice to people, you're perfectly fine with women doing what they want, and you're very civil to Mr. Liebowitz down at the corner deli.

What likely happened, you see, is that someone noticed you living your life. And they noticed that you happen to be living your life while Muslim. So, they thought you were up to something fishy, and in the off chance, they sent you this card, anonymously. Now, unless they attached it to a brick-- which could always be a possibility-- I wouldn't suggest calling the police right away.

Why? Because people of this sort are scared. Especially Ms. Malkin up there. Oh, sure. She likes to write big fancy columns and go on television, talking about how not scared she is. But that is a blatant lie. Every time she sees someone like you, something goes off in her. She imagines another 9/11, all because she's seen you. You could be the Muslim equivalent of St. Francis of Assisi, and it is very likely that she might think that your sandals are made of plastique. It's not her fault, really.

...okay, yes, it totally is. She's spent the past five and a half years digging a nice little hole for herself, and it doesn't seem like she's coming out. Hell, I hear she's got it pleasantly furnished. As far as I can tell, she refuses to accept the idea that, out of a faith that contains billions, not every single one of them might be geared towards the utter annihilation of the America we know and love. Neither will the majority of her audience. So, she plays up the idea that you can be easily picked out of a crowd, labeled a terrorist, and shuttled off somewhere nice and secure so that she can go to bed at night without looking under the bed for jihadis.

Just keep telling yourself this, sir or madam: as long as cooler heads prevail, you will be safe. And yes, I believe that those in power know Michelle Malkin is insane. After all, we put her on television.

Thank you.

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