Saturday, June 09, 2007


Paris Is Burning

Some time around 3 PM yesterday, my journey to the Dark Side took another solid step. I turned to AmericaBlog, only to find that Paris Hilton had been ordered back to jail. I read about how she screamed out that it wasn't fair, and cried out to her mother. I saw a photo of her, caught in a silent scream as if Jason was right outside the door with a chainsaw.

And God help me, I laughed like the Baba Yaga.

Still, the incident, and the massive, massive schadenfreude it generated convinced me that maybe it was time to reexamine why the world hates Paris Hilton. Amanda thinks that it's a mixture of sexism and reverse class warfare with sexism coming out on top, and while I agree with her (and Al Gore) that I was just about ready to throw a boot through the TV when I saw CNN covering the deposition like it was OJ 2.0, I wouldn't say the hatred of Hilton is entirely sex-based.

Amanda gives a good list of reasons why we really should hate Paris: she's a snotty, reality-starved rich twit who deprives the world of oxygen and gives back nothing more than her bodily waste. My first exposure to Mademoiselle Hilton was through Fametracker, where I learned that Paris and sister Nicky appeared at movie premieres in dresses that just barely showed their Southern Coriolises, and that the paparazzi kept taking photos of them. So, they were getting famous for... absolutely nothing. But it wasn't the kind of Angelyne-style safe-made fame, where at least she had the grace to pay for her own media blitz. Paris just had to show up where cameras were, and people would pay attention.

And no one would scorn her. No one. After the first sex tape came and went, videos turned up of Paris having worse things coming out of her mouth than going in. Like, say, "nigger", or "fag". And nothing happened. Even during the sex tape "scandal", no one important was really wagging so much as a finger at Paris. It was more of a spectacle, the kind of thing you watch with jaw agape. And Paris rode such "punishment" out, and made it her own.

Which makes this punishment all the more sweet. I've heard people complain that 45 days is far too harsh for a DUI offense, but the thing is, this was Paris's third offense in less than a year. The first one resulted in a suspension of her license. The second one, which happened when Paris's license was still suspended, resulted in her signing a statement saying she understood the legal penalties involved in driving without a license.

And then she did it again, and got thrown in the hoosegow, and there was a slight feeling of joy. And then Paris got out in three days due to a "medical condition", and there was much anger. And then Paris got thrown back in, screaming and crying, and there was much schadenfreude.

See, the reason I'm exulting in this jail sentence is it's the kind of karmic bitch slap I've longed to see people like Ann Coulter receive. The kind of thing that happens when someone tells society, "I don't care about your rules, I just live here." The kind of thing where reality takes the subject about the shoulders, shakes them hard, and says, "You live under my roof, mister, you follow my rules!"

I need more days like this.

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