The Evil Petting Zoo

You know, the more I think about this An American Carol debacle, the less upset I get about it. This Weekly Standard article definitely helps, which is funny, because you'd think conservatives championing this film as the great strike against liberal Hollywood would give me more to worry about, but this gives me less to worry about. Sure, I could get upset about the fact that the film has the "good humor" to feature Dennis Hopper as a judge who opens fire on ACLU lawyers who try to take down the Ten Commandments (because after all, we know that eliminationist humor is harmless fun, and has absolutely no negative repercussions). I could dispute the allegation that everyone in the article treats revealing you're a conservative in Hollywood like revealing you're a Jew during the Inquisition (after all, I hear John Milius goes lot to lot clad in sackcloth and ashes, begging disgusted PAs for the chance to deliver a log line). But really, by the time Zucker says he's not going to be original because original doesn't profit him anything, I just can't be arsed to devote more attention to this movie than the few stray thoughts necessary to mock it. At worst, it will be a transitory fascination that makes cultural critics despair for the taste buds of America, like the Scary Movie franchise and its many tentacles, but the most likely result is that its "talking points disguised as jokes" sense of humor ensures it plummets butt-first into the same open grave as The Half-Hour News Hour. So, really, not a lot to bitch about.

Well, okay. One thing to bitch about:

[Zucker] adds: "I don't have any desire to be taken seriously. Really, I really don't. But having said that, I really believe this stuff. Why can't I put it out there? And I'm scared to death of Obama. If I didn't do something about it I would feel--My kids would ask: 'What did you do in the war Daddy?'"

"I donated my career to stop this s--."

"What did you do in the war, Daddy?" "Well, I never actually fought in the war -- any war, for that matter -- but I did make a shallow parody movie where George Patton kicks the shit out of a Michael Moore stand-in in the name of patriotism. And then I played the martyr about it when I know I'm in an industry where someone can get convicted of fucking young boys and still have a steady directing career. Yes, son, I put my very soul on the line so that you, too, would have the chance to make jokes about how Rosie O'Donnell is a crazy dyke."

You know, if there's one thing I really, honestly cannot stand from people who claim that we are in the great clash of civilizations and must fight at all turns with all available methods to protect our great nation from the terrorist threat, it's when they make a complete mockery of the idea of armed service by comparing it to whatever great endeavors they are undertaking to protect the motherland. From Hugh Hewitt claiming he's in just as much danger in the Empire State Building as on the front lines to Rick Santorum comparing national service to buying one of his campaign bumper stickers, it seems a good number of people who claim to know just how important war is are quick to claim that they risk just as much as the men in uniform. Sure, it's unlikely any of them will encounter an IED on 42nd Street or Sepulveda Boulevard, but it's the thought that counts, right?

This is how David Zucker serves his country; by attacking the terrorists with the same comedic genius that spawned Scary Movie 3.