The Evil Petting Zoo

So, in case you missed the State of the Union (like I did, and I can't blame you), you might have missed Bush claiming that there hasn't been a terrorist attack on American soil since 9/11.

Oh, really? Five people dead, and it got to the point where it seemed like everyone was making an end run on Cipro before heading to the post office. Of course, if evidence emerges that it might be some local nutjob and not an al-Qaeda nutjob, I guess that means it doesn't count as an act of terror. No matter how many people died.

Bush's constant attempts to alter reality still stun me with how fucking blatant they are.

Which is why he took the opportunity to make a gigantic ass out of himself last week.



Man, I must be the last person in the blogosphere to report on this. Then again, I'm never one to pass up an attack on my asshat of a former governor, no matter how delayed it may be.

So, Mitt, did you think Milli Vanilli was too dated?

Oh, Bill.

On Saturday, as Sen. Barack Obama was sweeping up the South Carolina primary, former Pres. Bill Clinton was busy downplaying the significance of Obama's impending win, casting it as a function of the state's demographics and the Illinois senator's heavy African American support. "Jesse Jackson won South Carolina in '84 and '88," Clinton said at a rally in Columbia. "Jackson ran a good campaign. And Obama ran a good campaign here."

"Eh, it's just the black people. What can you do?"

Really, I don't know what to say here. Maybe I'm reading more into it than I should, but it seems like the Clinton campaign has just decided to officially write off African-Americans as people with their own opinions and choices. Sheesh.

So, see if you can follow this back and forth: Jonah Goldberg craps out a book that goes against the logic of most historians and paints fascism as a phenomenon of the left. David Neiwert, an Internet expert on fascism, authoritarianism, hate, and the occasional creep of both subjects into the current political debate, writes post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after bloody post pointing out the myriad errors contained in the book, ranging from the willingness to reattribute the meaning of "fascism", writing off the Klan as "a creepy fan group" rather than the organized body of terror (oh, and fascism) it actually was, and a general failure to get it.

So, how does Jonah respond to this sound thrashing? With his usual degree of tact:

So I finally got around to Dave Neiwert's response to my response to his review. Or at least I think I have. It's hard to make heads or tails of the mess over there. He seems to have become something of a leftwing remora attaching himself to my whale of a book. (Prediction! He calls me fascist for referring to him as a parasite!).

Here's my grand theory about this guy. He's made his career hyping the terrible threat from the Posse Comitatus, Aryan Nations and American Nazi Party and so like the bureaucrats in Office Space who think TPS reports are the most important thing in the world, he can’t seem to grasp that they’re pretty trivial.

In other words, he came to his understanding of fascism by following bands of racist white losers in the Idaho woods while using some Marxist tract or other as a field guide to identify the various species he encountered. In other words, he's internalized every cliché and propagandandistic talking point I set out to demolish in my book. Moreover, his career depends on maintaining his version of the fascist peril. So, he's banging his spoon on his highchair a lot because my book undercuts his whole reason for being.

If anyone in the New England area heard a loud cracking noise, that would be me slamming my head against my desk so hard it shattered my skull.

I long to see just how Dave's going to take him to the woodshed for this one, because, as has been noted, he knows far more about this topic than I do, and obviously a thousand times more than Jonah Goldberg. But it reminds me of an incident a while back. During the Graeme Frost affair, you may remember that Michelle Malkin's "debate" tactics involved visiting the Frost house, taking photos of their furniture, and speaking with their neighbor, all to point out that they weren't that impoverished. Not long after this, Ezra Klein challenged Malkin to a debate on the matter behind the Graeme Frost affair, the S-CHIP expansion. Malkin's response was to laugh off Klein and claim that the debate would be "a perverse distraction and a laughable waste of time" during which liberals could no doubt seduce the nation with their facts and data.

This is how people like Malkin and Goldberg operate. Facts? They don't need facts; they know the truth. And anyone who says otherwise is a pitiable fool. Shame they don't realize they're the jokers.

So, in case you haven't heard already, Heath Ledger is dead. I've got to say, I didn't follow the guy's career that closely, but he did a lot of good stuff. I first saw him in Ten Things I Hate About You, and even if I didn't immediately identify him as, well, Heath Ledger, I still liked his performance. And while I give Brokeback Mountain shit because everyone celebrated it as being so "progressive" when it fell back on the tired old horse of killing off one half of the gay couple for angst, Ledger still did a hell of a good job (and hey, at least it wasn't I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry).

The worst part is, it's a shame he had to go out now. Everyone's abuzz about the trailer to The Dark Knight, especially Ledger's part in it. It looks like he took the role of The Joker and really made it his own. At least he has a great performance to go out on.

Oh... and look who's going to be at the funeral. Ah, well; I guess that $11 million won't make itself back. Maybe ol' Fred will get lucky and someone will give him the Golden Curbstomp.

Huh. Bin Laden's son is kind of hot. Might be my slight thing for Arabic guys, but hey.

Oh, and nice on the whole "trying to make peace" thing.

And yet, if we are honest with ourselves, we must admit that none of our hands are entirely clean. If we're honest with ourselves, we'll acknowledge that our own community has not always been true to King's vision of a beloved community.

We have scorned our gay brothers and sisters instead of embracing them. The scourge of anti-Semitism has, at times, revealed itself in our community. For too long, some of us have seen immigrants as competitors for jobs instead of companions in the fight for opportunity.

As others have noted (Pam among them), Obama finally said something that he needed to say a while ago. He finally addressed the problems faced by minority groups to a group that knows what persecution is like but has still fostered it at times. All election, he's been told to walk a tightrope between "too black" and "not black enough" (at least, if you believe the punditry), but he has gone ahead and told what everyone says is a volatile audience to look at themselves and consider what they see.

If he keeps this up, I'll probably forgive him for that whole Donnie McClurkin clusterfuck.

So apparently, Minnesota Representative and professional bush squatter Michele Bachmann is proud of her state. Why? Well, it's because its citizens are struggling to stay afloat.

I am so proud to be from the state of Minnesota. We’re the workingest state in the country, and the reason why we are, we have more people that are working longer hours, we have people that are working two jobs.

I'm sorry, I just literally can't process this mindset. I understand that a lot of conservatives get off on the idea of "rugged individualism", but when you get to the point where you're happy that most of your citizens work two jobs for longer hours, probably not because they like prosperity, but because they like to eat and be warm in the winter... well, I just don't know what to say.

So, the Michigan primaries were yesterday. Not really a lot to comment on: the Democratic candidates were a non-issue, and Mitt Romney came in first for the Republicans. I would have hoped for a glorious technicolor explosion, but I should have been a bit more realistic about the turn out in his home state.

Ah, well. There's always Nevada.

I really don't think there's anything else I can say here:

"I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution," Huckabee told a Michigan audience on Monday. "But I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living god. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view."

Jesus Christ on an unicycle. I don't think I've seen so naked an appeal to Christian Dominionism all election season. Even Joe Scarborough and Co. are momentarily gobsmacked by that statement.

I wonder how long Huckabee can keep making statements like this and keep being seen as a favorite of the press.

In case you thought the Clinton Cloaca Cuckoo Craze applied only to Chris Matthews, Joe Scarborough comes along to prove that there's nothing news media fears more than a talking vagina.

"Chris, we don't want to take sides," former GOP congressman Scarborough said innocently. "So I'm not gonna bring up the fact that Barbara Walters, a journalist, told Nancy Pelosi she wanted to have sex with Nancy Pelosi's husband. We also will not bring up that journalist Barbara Walters told Faith Hill she wanted to have sex, on air, with Tim McGraw. Instead, I'm just going to ask you this straight question: Does Barbara Walters have a point?"

Now, I can count the number of worthwhile things The View has produced on a hand that I just ran through a garbage disposal. But it's... well, interesting that, even though he doesn't want to take sides, Joe Scarborough can't help but point out that Barbara Walters isn't a serious journalist because she's sexually forward. Because we all know, women who are sexually forward are sluts with no legitimacy. I thought we were supposed to be defusing the misogyny accusations here.

Oh, and according to Matthews, it's a "historic fact" that the only reason Hillary won her Senate seat was because her husband cheated on her. No, I highly doubt that exit polls said that the number one concern on the minds of the populace of New York was whether or not the candidate's spouse had porked outside of marriage. You just have to realize that Chris Matthews is a serious journalist, because he doesn't talk about how much he's going to have sex with the subjects of his reporting.

Well, except for George W. Bush.

As you've now doubt heard by now, Hillary managed to win the New Hampshire primary yesterday. What this means for the overall path towards the Democratic candidacy will have to wait until we've gone through a few more primaries. Until then, though, I'd like to talk about what this means for the media.

That's right. The media. After Hillary's victory, Talking Points Memo proposed that Hillary's victory was based not just on her merits, but also on the driving media obsession on her. Not just on her -- on making her look bad. On following her crying jag like she's Michael Dukakis and just did a striptease on top of an M1 Abrams. On pointing out how "emotional" she is, while failing to mention the fact that she stood up resolutely to an anti-feminist protester. On calling her a "Vaginal-American". On painting her as a "she-devil" and Photoshopping horns onto her visage.

Is it a bit of an unfounded theory? Maybe. But so far, this has been a bit of a "backlash" election. The youth of America, who've been told that they don't do enough, finally got out and voted for Obama. The evangelicals, who are apparently tired of being dicked around by the neocons, are voting for Huckabee. Is it that much of a stretch to imagine that the public, absolutely sick of the media antipathy towards Hillary, decide to deliver an electoral pimp-slap to Chris Matthews and his ilk?

Obviously, it hasn't taken full effect yet. Even after being told by Rachel Maddow about the TPM theory, even after being told by Tom Fucking Brokaw that the media has some explaining to do, what does Chris Matthews say? That the only reason Hillary got elected as a senator was out of sympathy for having a horndog husband.

I'm not a big Hillary fan. I think she's a bit too rooted in the establishment, and I would prefer Obama as a frontrunner. But if she's what it takes to point out that there's something very wrong with the way the media plays politics, then so be it.

Hey, guys, did you hear? Hillary Clinton cried! I mean, can you believe it? Who knew that politicians, like all other people, had emotions, especially about things as small and insignificant as the future of our country!

Jesus Christ, people. I know you make your bread and butter by ripping into Hillary like pirahnas into a cow in water wings, but show a little dignity, all right?

Following Bill O'Reilly's vainglorious explosion at an Obama staffer, Huffington Post editor Roy Sekoff is brought on FOX News to talk about the incident. And Sekoff spins them around, mentioning loofahs, falafels, and m-fers who just want their iced tea. Mind you, it doesn't seem to have much of an effect, but hey, it's a good way to go back at them. Maybe if he'd completed the Keith Olbermann Trifecta and mentioned Malmedy...

So, last night on 60 Minutes, they had: President Musharraf, who said that Benazir Bhutto was responsible for her own death for being so uppity standing outside a motor barricade, a hit man who served only twelve years for about twenty murders as part of a federal deal, and Roger Clemens.

I'm surprised our TV didn't collapse into a ball of super dense loathing. Maybe if they'd had Andy Rooney kicking puppies in the last segment.

But, seriously. I'm sure Bhutto was just asking to be shot in the back of the head, what with that short head scarf and all.

So, the Iowa caucus is over with, and Obama and Huckabee have emerged as victors. Not much I can say about Obama, though I am impressed by the youth turnout for the vote. I still prefer Edwards, but he's not a bad second choice.

Huckabee, on the other hand... now, he's interesting. While I hope to hell the media exposes his gay bashing, choice-destroying, rapist-freeing, Christian Dominionist ways, what really fascinates me now is how quickly prominent Republican pundits are losing their shit over the whole thing. It looks like they finally realized that the religious right aren't a force to lead around on a leash. Theoretically, this may lead to more glorious schadenfreud as the year progresses.

Well, I'd say the last week and a half accomplished a lot. For one thing, it diminished my quasi-existential dread about living in LA, and replaced it with a comfort about living there, if not a desire to do it right now.

The itinerary:

Saturday, 12/22 -- A day of flying and driving. We land in Las Vegas, and meet one of my dad's old friends for dinner before heading off to LA. For lack of better cuisine, we end up eating at a family-style restaurant. I end up consuming a burger that has, among other things, a fried egg for a topping, presaging just how well my diet will do this vacation. We then get in the car and haul ass for LA, finally collapsing when we arrive at our rented house in Hermosa Beach.

Sunday, 12/23 -- After getting somewhat adjusted to Pacific time, the family heads out for Venice Beach, where we see children sledding down sand dunes, transients fighting, and a man on Rollerblades doing something with a Pomeranian that looks less like "walking" and more like "yo-yoing." We eat at the Sidewalk Cafe, where I once again have a sandwich that has a fried egg somewhere on it (this time, a BLT). We later hit up the Farmer's Market to make arrangements for Christmas dinner.

Monday, 12/24 -- We head over to Union Station, just because, and then check out a nearby Mexican street market. After a delicious and obscene meal, we decide to get in the car and risk catching affluenza by driving about Beverly Hills the day before Christmas. It's, uh... well, it's shiny.

Tuesday, 12/25 -- Christmas. Since pretty much nothing is open, we decide to go check out the apartments I'll be staying at when I pursue my internship opportunity. They're pretty damn decent. We also decide to check out some of those internship opportunities, which are pretty close-by and make my mother extremely glad that I will not have to attempt the freeway so soon (which is somewhat homicidal, even on Christmas). After that, we have lunch at Griffith Park, but since we can't get in the observatory, we decide to drive down Mulholland Drive. We do not run into any mysterious blue boxes or lip-synching Spanish women, but who knows -- maybe they have Christmas off. My dad loves the curves of the drive, while my mother has her usual reaction to the curves of any elevated road, which is, extended whimpering. In the evening, we head back, watch Mallrats (blame my cousin from Jersey; it's her kind of thing), and enjoy Christmas dinner. Not a bad day, in all.

Wednesday, 12/26 -- We finally decide to hit up Hollywood. After taking one look at the dining and parking options, my parents decide we've seen all we need to see (true, we did see Grauman's, Mann's, and El Capitan) and head off to Melrose for something reasonable. We end up in quite a many awesome shops, including Aardvark's Odd Ark, where I pick up a great bomber jacket for less than $30, and, if you can believe it, what looked like an European techno frozen yogurt shop. That night, we met with an old friend of my mother's and his screenwriter wife, and we talked shop (and other things) while enjoying the leftovers of their Christmas dinner (including an awesome pecan pie and some damn fine cookies).

Thursday, 12/27 -- My mother once again braves Mulholland Drive as we decide to check out Malibu. We find it kind of lacking, but maybe we're not in the right tax bracket to enjoy it. So we go to the Santa Monica Pier, which is flashy, somewhat tacky, and utterly awesome.

Friday, 12/28 -- Our plans for a day of decompression are thwarted when my dad decides to take us to Newport Beach. The family's been on an Arrested Development kick all vacation (I can't believe I missed that show the first time around, by the way), so we decide to see where it was filmed. We also end up stopping in Laguna Beach, because apparently, we have an unconscious desire for MTV vapidity. Not that the real Laguna Beach is bad; in fact, we have a pretty awesome lunch and, once again with the Arrested Development kick, my little brother finally ends up experiencing a frozen banana. I, on the other hand, end up enjoying a delicious atrocity known as a chocolate-covered frozen cheesecake on a stick. Remember what I said about the diet? This was another example of that.

Saturday, 12/29 -- We abandon LA in favor of the Grand Canyon, driving for hours upon hours until finally getting to Arizona. Arizona is... well, as a guy up in Massachusetts, I honestly thought it was all desert. I didn't expect it to shift between desert and forest tundra at the drop of a hat, but... well, it did. We finally arrive somewhere around five, get dinner, and collapse.

Sunday, 12/30 -- We get up at the crack of ass so that dad can see sunrise. It's pretty good, by his description, but as mom and I are the stragglers of the family, we don't see it. After getting a fine breakfast at the El Tovar lodge, we decide that it's too damn cold to go hiking, so we just do a drive about of some of the canyon destinations before deciding to make a break for Sedona. We reach Sedona, see some of the hippyness, then turn around. It's a nice place, but it was getting late. Once again, we get dinner and collapse.

Monday, 12/31 -- We leave the Grand Canyon early and drive to Vegas. On the way, we experience In 'n' Out burgers for the first time, and they are awesome. After arriving in Vegas, we decide to spend New Year's Eve on the Strip, like, apparently, everyone else in the universe. The evening begins well, but we don't end up staying for the fireworks, as by the time 11 PM rolls around, we're bombarded by hooting, drunken yahoos and wishing for a neutron bomb to fall. They looked real pretty on TV, though.

Tuesday, 1/1 -- We fly home. Hey, they can't all be exciting days.

And that was the vacation in full. Man, this travelogue took far too long to compose.

Jonah Goldberg asks, "Why won't any liberals seriously review my book that compares liberalism to fascism and says that white men are being targeted for oppression?"

Hmm... could it be because you wrote a book that compares liberalism to fascism, effectively turning the political spectrum into a Mobius strip, and says that white men are being targeted for oppression, going so far as to compare them to Jews under Nazi Germany? Could it be that?

Nah. They just hate your awesome bod.