Sunday, October 31, 2004
At Least He Wasn't Caught in Bed With a Live Boy
And now, The Evil Petting Zoo presents: Phrases That Indicate Your Political Career is Over
"I did not know she was dead when I entered her."
"That depends on what your definition of 'the filthy sanchez' is."
"Yes, I grafted, but really, did those orphans need all that money?"
"Social Security, as it is structured today, discriminates against African-Americans because they have a lower life span."
Guess which one Tom Coburn said?
"I did not know she was dead when I entered her."
"That depends on what your definition of 'the filthy sanchez' is."
"Yes, I grafted, but really, did those orphans need all that money?"
"Social Security, as it is structured today, discriminates against African-Americans because they have a lower life span."
Guess which one Tom Coburn said?
Saturday, October 30, 2004
National Tragedy = Neilsens
ANC and NBC are making 9/11 miniseries. And the NBC one is being overseen by Graham "NBC's Most Expensive Case of Adult ADD" Yost.
You know, there's a reason Pearl Harbor waited sixty years, and while it sucked, it had tact. Fuck my cock, networks.
You know, there's a reason Pearl Harbor waited sixty years, and while it sucked, it had tact. Fuck my cock, networks.
Friday, October 29, 2004
Vote "No" On... Or, Uh, "Yes" On...
The Gov. of Mississippi is holding a press conference to tell people the proper way to vote on the anti-gay marriage amendment.
So, he's holding a state-wide, televised press conference... to tell people exactly how to correctly vote... on an issue that's been in the local news a lot... has been the subject of intense debate... and which is clearly stated on the ballot.
This joke is so obvious, I don't think I even have to make it.
So, he's holding a state-wide, televised press conference... to tell people exactly how to correctly vote... on an issue that's been in the local news a lot... has been the subject of intense debate... and which is clearly stated on the ballot.
This joke is so obvious, I don't think I even have to make it.
Hopefully, This Will Make His Dark, Rotted Heart Stop
The fruit of the fruit of Jesse Helms's loins is, apparently, a great big dyke. I could think of five things I'd like to be in five places more than the lesbian granddaughter of Jesse Helms, and one of them is "a Jew in Krakow, 1939."
By the way, I just want to say that when Jesse Helms dies, I am holding a week-long block party. Seriously. I dare you to take a long, hard look at this man, the man who called one of history's greatest civil rights leaders a "pervert" and told a mother that her son deserved to die of AIDS, and say that this was a righteous man. Say what you will about Fred Phelps; that nutcase never did the damage to basic human decency that this twisted fuck managed to pull off.
By the way, I just want to say that when Jesse Helms dies, I am holding a week-long block party. Seriously. I dare you to take a long, hard look at this man, the man who called one of history's greatest civil rights leaders a "pervert" and told a mother that her son deserved to die of AIDS, and say that this was a righteous man. Say what you will about Fred Phelps; that nutcase never did the damage to basic human decency that this twisted fuck managed to pull off.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Here Lieth the Ragged Corpse of 9/11
Unfortunately, it's being dug up and humped for all its worth.
Has anyone else seen the campaign ad with Bush hugging the girl whose mom was killed on 9/11? I found the deed itself kind of sweet, but making a fucking campaign ad out of it? Excuse me; I need a bucket.
Oh, and apparently, Rudy Giuliani and Ed Koch are going to be campaigning for Bush. Hmm... what could he be trying to evoke?
Has anyone else seen the campaign ad with Bush hugging the girl whose mom was killed on 9/11? I found the deed itself kind of sweet, but making a fucking campaign ad out of it? Excuse me; I need a bucket.
Oh, and apparently, Rudy Giuliani and Ed Koch are going to be campaigning for Bush. Hmm... what could he be trying to evoke?
I Am Superior to All Other Blogs!
No, that's not my ego talking. Dr. Doom: The Blog.
I can't wait to see the all kinds of bitchcakes he goes when the Fantastic Four movie is actually released.
I can't wait to see the all kinds of bitchcakes he goes when the Fantastic Four movie is actually released.
Rumination on a Joke
I know there exists a running, somewhat tired, definitely mentally-deficient joke that when the Red Sox win the Series, it will herald the Apocalypse. But what, really, is the Apocalypse? While we see the Apocalypse as a time of fire, brimstone, judgment, and really bad books, it hasn't always been this way. The Aztecs saw their apocalypse, the time of the Fifth Sun, as a new period of revelation and human understanding.
Ladies and gentlemen, after tonight, I'm going with the latter.
Ladies and gentlemen, after tonight, I'm going with the latter.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Apocalypse, ASAP
So, 380 tons of explosives have gone missing, there's a presidential election coming up, the Red Sox are one game away from winning the World Series, and Arafat collapsed yesterday.
We might as well have a "Rapture Me" sign taped to our backs.
We might as well have a "Rapture Me" sign taped to our backs.
Irony's Not Dead, Just Sleeping
Wow. Did I just see Jerry Falwell telling Jesse Jackson that he'd support Bush blowing up terrorists "in the name of the Lord"?
Ladies and gentlemen, we are al-Qaeda.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are al-Qaeda.
Because He Is So Smart. S-M-R-T.
"Homer Simpson '04", say Britons. Meanwhile, the Republicans support Mr. Burns, the Democrats support Lisa, and the Libertarians support Comic Book Guy.
Karl Rove Takes a Cold, Calculated Dump in His Pants
Bush supports civil unions, probably luring over a few gay Republicans and making the religious right vewy, vewy angwy. Note to Rove: This is why you have to install microchips in their brains.
Oh, and by the way, it's funny that he's supporting civil unions now when the first draft of the FMA and his own party's platform call for nothing above domestic partnerships. Funny like a dying clown.
Oh, and by the way, it's funny that he's supporting civil unions now when the first draft of the FMA and his own party's platform call for nothing above domestic partnerships. Funny like a dying clown.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Aloha Oh My Fucking God
I just knew it would come to this. A Republican running for Senator in Hawaii said that if a law came by his desk calling for the execution of homosexuals, he'd pass it.
Why the fuck has this not been on every news program in America? Hell, why is it that I'm only seeing it on every other gay blog? I know that there have always been scary people like this across America. Only difference is, this one has power.
People of Hawaii, I beg of you: Don't give him the opportunity to send us back to the days of wandering in the desert.
Why the fuck has this not been on every news program in America? Hell, why is it that I'm only seeing it on every other gay blog? I know that there have always been scary people like this across America. Only difference is, this one has power.
People of Hawaii, I beg of you: Don't give him the opportunity to send us back to the days of wandering in the desert.
Monday, October 25, 2004
Antonin Scalia Causes Cancer
The proof. You just know Pat Robertson is waving his fist at the sky, saying, "Damnit, I didn't mean him!"
Speaking of Scalia... Rehnquist is the Chief Justice. If he dies or abdicates, that means the slot of CJ of the Supreme Court is empty. And Bush likes Scalia or the ideological equivalent thereof for seats on the Court. So if Rehnquist dies while Bush is in office, we get one of Scalia's bastard clones in the throne.
Vote Kerry. Vote often.
Speaking of Scalia... Rehnquist is the Chief Justice. If he dies or abdicates, that means the slot of CJ of the Supreme Court is empty. And Bush likes Scalia or the ideological equivalent thereof for seats on the Court. So if Rehnquist dies while Bush is in office, we get one of Scalia's bastard clones in the throne.
Vote Kerry. Vote often.
I Just Don't Know
So, my school is having a mock election on Nov. 1. The student body has been divided up into "states" that will vote elctorally for either Kerry or Bush (well, there was someone in my Psych class who wanted to vote Nader, but we killed him where he stood). And the whole thing is going to be covered by CNN and Spanish television.
And I don't mean Telemundo. I mean television from Spain. The country.
Seriously. I feel like God threw a bunch of different events in a blender and set it on puree. Anyway, if anyone reading this over in Spain sees some kid waving his hands at the camera, that's probably me. Or not.
And I don't mean Telemundo. I mean television from Spain. The country.
Seriously. I feel like God threw a bunch of different events in a blender and set it on puree. Anyway, if anyone reading this over in Spain sees some kid waving his hands at the camera, that's probably me. Or not.
"Please Help Me. I Am a Wealthy Canaanite Widow, Fleeing from Herod..."
This is a most certainly unique defense: "We bilked hundreds of people with a Nigerian e-mail scam because God wanted us to."
Hey, did anyone just hear that? Sounded like a camel squeezing through the eye of a needle.
Hey, did anyone just hear that? Sounded like a camel squeezing through the eye of a needle.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
This Video Game Industry is Like a Giant [Chicken] Waiting to Get [Plucked].
Yes, I went with the child-safe version. I kinda had to.
They're making a Scarface game. And before you ask the inevitable question, I'll tell you the answer: Because they can.
Damn you, Grand Theft Auto. Damn you.
They're making a Scarface game. And before you ask the inevitable question, I'll tell you the answer: Because they can.
Damn you, Grand Theft Auto. Damn you.
Paradox in Motion
Somedays, Andrew Sullivan makes my head hurt (WARNING: link time sensitive).
Yes, he's supporting Kerry. And yes, that is an anti-Kerry ad right there in the upper left-hand corner.
Don't try to think about it; it will only make key parts of your brain shut down.
Yes, he's supporting Kerry. And yes, that is an anti-Kerry ad right there in the upper left-hand corner.
Don't try to think about it; it will only make key parts of your brain shut down.
Can't Stop Here! This is Bush Country!
Hunter S. Thompson sounds off on George Bush. (Courtesy of Pete.)
Back in 1948, during his first race for the U.S. Senate, Lyndon Johnson was running about ten points behind, with only nine days to go. He was sunk in despair. He was desperate. And it was just before noon on a Monday, they say, when he called his equally depressed campaign manager and instructed him to call a press conference for just before lunch on a slow news day and accuse his high-riding opponent, a pig farmer, of having routine carnal knowledge of his barnyard sows, despite the pleas of his wife and children.
I knew there was a reason I was dressing as Raoul Duke for Halloween.
Back in 1948, during his first race for the U.S. Senate, Lyndon Johnson was running about ten points behind, with only nine days to go. He was sunk in despair. He was desperate. And it was just before noon on a Monday, they say, when he called his equally depressed campaign manager and instructed him to call a press conference for just before lunch on a slow news day and accuse his high-riding opponent, a pig farmer, of having routine carnal knowledge of his barnyard sows, despite the pleas of his wife and children.
I knew there was a reason I was dressing as Raoul Duke for Halloween.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Charity Case
No posts today. Going to do City Year at 6:15 this morning, then stick around in Boston and visit Quincy Market at night.
Friday, October 22, 2004
And That's the First Time Solid Food Has Touched Her Face Since 1993.
Ann Coulter gets pied. But that's not the funniest part of the story:
"The Democrats have no actual policy proposals of their own unless constant carping counts as a policy,” Coulter said.
Because Ann has been aiding in the passing of so many important bills. Christ, when was the last time you looked in a mirror, woman?
"The Democrats have no actual policy proposals of their own unless constant carping counts as a policy,” Coulter said.
Because Ann has been aiding in the passing of so many important bills. Christ, when was the last time you looked in a mirror, woman?
The Dolphins Have No Rights
So sayeth the 9th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals.
It's a shame, really: they went to all the trouble of getting that talking dolphin from SeaQuest DSV to be counsel. (And yes, I know I'm at least the second person to make a dumb-ass Darwin joke this week. It's a meme, I swear.)
It's a shame, really: they went to all the trouble of getting that talking dolphin from SeaQuest DSV to be counsel. (And yes, I know I'm at least the second person to make a dumb-ass Darwin joke this week. It's a meme, I swear.)
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Do You Believe in Miracles? Fuck Yeah!
Lights, please.
"And there were in the same town Bostonians in the bars, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not, for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you this day- let's go, Red Sox, let's go! Hoot, hoot!"
And that's what the World Series is about, Charlie Brown.
"And there were in the same town Bostonians in the bars, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not, for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you this day- let's go, Red Sox, let's go! Hoot, hoot!"
And that's what the World Series is about, Charlie Brown.
Marriage! Yay!
The MTV ad spots for equal marriage rights. The "Threats" and "Permission" ads are especially well done.
Fuck. Now I'm caring about MTV again.
Fuck. Now I'm caring about MTV again.
Get the Popcorn, This is Gonna Be Good
Robertson vs. Bush: Fight!
"He was just sitting there, like, 'I'm on top of the world,' and I warned him about this war," Robertson said.
"I had deep misgivings about this war, deep misgivings. And I was trying to say, 'Mr. President, you better prepare the American people for casualties.' 'Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties.' 'Well,' I said, 'it's the way it's going to be.' And so, it was messy. The lord told me it was going to be, A, a disaster and, B, messy."
And yet, "the Lord" also told you to support Bush... hey, everyone! God wants us to support the dumbass! Who cares if people die? We're being good Christians!
I'd hate for either side to be declared a winner, but... Bush. If only to see Robertson fall flat on his face.
"He was just sitting there, like, 'I'm on top of the world,' and I warned him about this war," Robertson said.
"I had deep misgivings about this war, deep misgivings. And I was trying to say, 'Mr. President, you better prepare the American people for casualties.' 'Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties.' 'Well,' I said, 'it's the way it's going to be.' And so, it was messy. The lord told me it was going to be, A, a disaster and, B, messy."
And yet, "the Lord" also told you to support Bush... hey, everyone! God wants us to support the dumbass! Who cares if people die? We're being good Christians!
I'd hate for either side to be declared a winner, but... Bush. If only to see Robertson fall flat on his face.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Walmart: Always Low IQs. Always.
The moral priorities of Walmart:
Cheap, easy-to-buy rifles and ammo: Good.
Anti-Semitic forgeries: Good, until people start complaining.
Humorous fake textbooks with phony Photoshopped images of the naked Justices of the Supreme Court without genitalia: Very, very bad.
America, if you have to go to one store for everything, go Target. They don't pull shit like this, and they don't suck the life from small businesses like a corporate succubus.
Cheap, easy-to-buy rifles and ammo: Good.
Anti-Semitic forgeries: Good, until people start complaining.
Humorous fake textbooks with phony Photoshopped images of the naked Justices of the Supreme Court without genitalia: Very, very bad.
America, if you have to go to one store for everything, go Target. They don't pull shit like this, and they don't suck the life from small businesses like a corporate succubus.
So This is How We Win the Series!
Of course, it involves civil war and the creation of a theocracy in Texas, but hey! Pennant! (Courtesy of Wonkette.)
UPDATE: My apologies; it seems to have vanished into the ether.
UPDATE: My apologies; it seems to have vanished into the ether.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
When Did Monty Python Become Cardinal?
Sure, his name's really Keith O'Brien, Cardinal of Scotland, but seriously, the message is just too familiar:
Recalling a trip to Vienna, Cardinal O'Brien, the head of the Catholic Church in Scotland, described the fears of a guide who showed him around the Austrian capital. "She said: 'You know, we are losing our Christian Catholic community. We are not having babies, but the immigrants, they love babies, love families, love family life, have many many children, and soon they will be taking over'," Cardinal O'Brien said, adding: "Basically, that reflects the views of some of our own Church leaders at this time."
"He then burst into a rendition of 'Every Sperm is Sacred', and told the parishioners not to sell their children off for medical experiments."
And yes, I realize that there's a very creepy nativist sentiment in there, which is ironic, as Catholics were once victims of nativism themselves. Still, I had to go the Python joke. It's in my geeky blood.
Recalling a trip to Vienna, Cardinal O'Brien, the head of the Catholic Church in Scotland, described the fears of a guide who showed him around the Austrian capital. "She said: 'You know, we are losing our Christian Catholic community. We are not having babies, but the immigrants, they love babies, love families, love family life, have many many children, and soon they will be taking over'," Cardinal O'Brien said, adding: "Basically, that reflects the views of some of our own Church leaders at this time."
"He then burst into a rendition of 'Every Sperm is Sacred', and told the parishioners not to sell their children off for medical experiments."
And yes, I realize that there's a very creepy nativist sentiment in there, which is ironic, as Catholics were once victims of nativism themselves. Still, I had to go the Python joke. It's in my geeky blood.
Irony, She Weeps with Laughter
The DaVinci Code, which was all about the efforts of the Catholic Church to disguise the fact that Jesus and Mary Magdalene got it on, has been banned in Lebanon, due to the efforts of the Catholic Church.
Yup. Sure. Nothing secretive about this one. I swear to God, if this institution doesn't change soon, it's going to disappear irrevocably up its own ass.
Yup. Sure. Nothing secretive about this one. I swear to God, if this institution doesn't change soon, it's going to disappear irrevocably up its own ass.
Mommy, I'm Scared
Oh dear Christ, I'm agreeing with Michelle Malkin.
Now if you'll excuse me, there are these Four Horsemen who want to talk to me.
Now if you'll excuse me, there are these Four Horsemen who want to talk to me.
What Are These Priorities You Speak Of?
Oh, for fuck's sake:
In Arkansas, GOP state Sen. Jim Holt has made same-sex marriage the central theme of his longshot campaign against Democratic Sen. Blanche Lincoln. It's not the only issue, he said, "but it is the most important issue, I believe, in America."
Yes; yes, that makes perfect sense. We're at war. There may be a draft because we're at war. The economy is troubled, to say the least. We're still in danger of terrorist attacks. Our flu vaccines have been compromised. So the most important issue of America, above all others, is two people of the same sex marrying.
Kick his ass into Missouri, Lincoln.
Oh, by the way, you're probably wondering about the lack of content yesterday. Well, um... feral poodles gnawed my legs off, so I had to crawl around out of reach of the computer until I got my prostheses. Or maybe I was just lazy. You decide.
In Arkansas, GOP state Sen. Jim Holt has made same-sex marriage the central theme of his longshot campaign against Democratic Sen. Blanche Lincoln. It's not the only issue, he said, "but it is the most important issue, I believe, in America."
Yes; yes, that makes perfect sense. We're at war. There may be a draft because we're at war. The economy is troubled, to say the least. We're still in danger of terrorist attacks. Our flu vaccines have been compromised. So the most important issue of America, above all others, is two people of the same sex marrying.
Kick his ass into Missouri, Lincoln.
Oh, by the way, you're probably wondering about the lack of content yesterday. Well, um... feral poodles gnawed my legs off, so I had to crawl around out of reach of the computer until I got my prostheses. Or maybe I was just lazy. You decide.
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Look, Just Because It Happened to Oedipus...
Alan Keyes is now claiming that incest is "inevitable" for adopted children of gay parents, as they have no way of knowing who their relatives are.
Funny; I saw a Dateline program about a guy who ended up dating the sibling he never knew. Only thing was, the sibling was a girl. This is a risk for all adopted kids; is incest "inevitable" for them, too?
Keyes is going to be the biggest flop this side of Battlefield Earth come election day in Illinois.
Funny; I saw a Dateline program about a guy who ended up dating the sibling he never knew. Only thing was, the sibling was a girl. This is a risk for all adopted kids; is incest "inevitable" for them, too?
Keyes is going to be the biggest flop this side of Battlefield Earth come election day in Illinois.
No Joy in Mudville Once More
You know, as a Red Sox fan, I get used to loss. I get used to failing. I get used to teams kicking our asses up and down the boulevard.
But 19-8? Nineteen to motherfucking eight?
Oh, and you people who wanted to see the Yankees in the ALCS, just so we could kick their asses? You should be forcefully sterilized without anesthesia.
But 19-8? Nineteen to motherfucking eight?
Oh, and you people who wanted to see the Yankees in the ALCS, just so we could kick their asses? You should be forcefully sterilized without anesthesia.
Jeff Jacoby is Full of It
Then again, what else is new? The Boston Globe's token conservative op-ed columnist expressed crankiness about the last debate, calling himself "a cranky libertarian conservative".
Yep; "libertarian". Which totally explains why this man, so concerned with limiting the role of the government and with personal freedom, ran an op-ed today that said, in effect, "OMG NO FMA WTF?"
So, either he's bipolar, or he's a hypocrite. You can guess which one I'm leaning towards. Stuff it, Jacoby.
Yep; "libertarian". Which totally explains why this man, so concerned with limiting the role of the government and with personal freedom, ran an op-ed today that said, in effect, "OMG NO FMA WTF?"
So, either he's bipolar, or he's a hypocrite. You can guess which one I'm leaning towards. Stuff it, Jacoby.
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Can't Sleep... Clown Will Eat Me...
Oh, good Christ, they're remaking IT.
I won't be using the bathroom for a while. Or eating fortune cookies. Or approaching balloons. Or...
I won't be using the bathroom for a while. Or eating fortune cookies. Or approaching balloons. Or...
My Moral Compass Always Points South
Hey, look! I found the door into Michael Powell's head! Let's take a look inside before I get tossed out onto the Jersey turnpike:
Janet Jackson showing her tit for all of 3 nanoseconds (and following TV coverage in slo-motion): $550,000 fine.
Year-old jokes from Howard Stern about anal sex and farts: $550,000 fine.
Year-old jokes from Michael Savage comparing the ordeal of Elizabeth Smart to Debbie Does Dallas: No fine.
A show on FOX that has people married via a TV audience: No fine.
A show on FOX that has people married via a TV audience, but shows strippers and whipped cream going where whipped cream was never meant to go: $1 million.
A political documentary bashing John Kerry that kinda violates the equal time rule, and is being aired by a broadcasting corporation that considered Nightline airing a tribute to fallen soldiers in Iraq "political propaganda": No fine.
*thunk*
Well, now I'm in Jersey. And thank God; I didn't want to spend another minute in there. Stuff if up your... butt, Powell. (Hey, I'm trying to avoid getting fined, here.)
Janet Jackson showing her tit for all of 3 nanoseconds (and following TV coverage in slo-motion): $550,000 fine.
Year-old jokes from Howard Stern about anal sex and farts: $550,000 fine.
Year-old jokes from Michael Savage comparing the ordeal of Elizabeth Smart to Debbie Does Dallas: No fine.
A show on FOX that has people married via a TV audience: No fine.
A show on FOX that has people married via a TV audience, but shows strippers and whipped cream going where whipped cream was never meant to go: $1 million.
A political documentary bashing John Kerry that kinda violates the equal time rule, and is being aired by a broadcasting corporation that considered Nightline airing a tribute to fallen soldiers in Iraq "political propaganda": No fine.
*thunk*
Well, now I'm in Jersey. And thank God; I didn't want to spend another minute in there. Stuff if up your... butt, Powell. (Hey, I'm trying to avoid getting fined, here.)
Why I Fucking Heart Jon Stewart
He takes every bad thing I've ever thought about those hacks on Crossfire, and says it to their faces.
Jon, I know it's not biologically possible, but I want to have your snarky Jewish babies.
Jon, I know it's not biologically possible, but I want to have your snarky Jewish babies.
Friday, October 15, 2004
Goddamnit, They Stole All My Ideas!
My dreams... gone. It's a life of seedy prostitution for me.
Seriously, those things are hilarious. And at least now I know what not to do when pleading for someone to buy my script.
Seriously, those things are hilarious. And at least now I know what not to do when pleading for someone to buy my script.
See, We Gamers Aren't All Sociopaths
Players of City of Heroes gather at Atlas Park for a tribute to Christopher Reeve. Courtesy of Kotaku. You can see a screenshot here.
I play the game, but I was in Philly when the news broke of Reeve's death. This is a nice tribute for the man that essentially brought superheroes to mainstream America.
I play the game, but I was in Philly when the news broke of Reeve's death. This is a nice tribute for the man that essentially brought superheroes to mainstream America.
The Devil Can Cite Scripture...
Dear members of the alternate left: Stay the fuck away from Buchanan, for he will suck out your souls and deliver them to his dark master. Thank you.
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Oh No! She's Got the Gay!
Suck it hard, Dick Cheney. Don't tell me that John Kerry is a political slimebag just because he mentioned the fact that your daughter, who I assume you are so very, very proud of, just happens to be a lesbian.
Oh, wait. We can't say that. Because it scares away the bigot brigade, and your boss really needs those votes, huh?
You suck, Dick. Pun very much intended.
Oh, wait. We can't say that. Because it scares away the bigot brigade, and your boss really needs those votes, huh?
You suck, Dick. Pun very much intended.
It's Official; I'm an Idiot
Why, oh why, sweet Lord, did I watch the trailer to The Ring 2?
If anyone needs me, I'll be off destroying every television in the house.
If anyone needs me, I'll be off destroying every television in the house.
You're an Idiot! No, You're an Idiot!
I can't really comment on last night's debate: I left at about the 9:30 mark, when it looked like they were just going to be repeating everything they'd said in the last debate.
That being said, I can comment on one thing: President Bush, did you really say that egregious lawsuits are threatening those in the US who would develop vaccines?
I have two words for you, Mr. Bush- no, make that three, because of the epithet:
Eli. Fucking. Lilly.
Stuff it, Chimpy.
That being said, I can comment on one thing: President Bush, did you really say that egregious lawsuits are threatening those in the US who would develop vaccines?
I have two words for you, Mr. Bush- no, make that three, because of the epithet:
Eli. Fucking. Lilly.
Stuff it, Chimpy.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Hot Man-on-Woman-on-Falafel Shower Action!
Two thoughts are currently occupying the whole of my brain.
Thought Number One: "You know, I could have gone forever without hearing the sexual fantasies of Bill O'Reilly."
Thought Number Two: "Do I hear sleigh bells? Because Christmas has come early this year."
Thought Number One: "You know, I could have gone forever without hearing the sexual fantasies of Bill O'Reilly."
Thought Number Two: "Do I hear sleigh bells? Because Christmas has come early this year."
Right Fine, Wrong Time
You know, when a show that treats marriage as a prize to be given away gets FOX fined $1 million for whipped cream and strippers, it really says something about America's moral priorities.
Climbing Back Up the Slippery Slope
We all know the slippery slope theory espoused by social conservatives, right? Gay marriage leads to polygamy leads to legalized bestiality leads to legalized pedophilia?
Well, looks like Utah didn't hear, as their efforts to ban gay marriage would actually help polygamists gain legal standing in court.
I love it when shaky conjecture gets fucked in the ass.
Well, looks like Utah didn't hear, as their efforts to ban gay marriage would actually help polygamists gain legal standing in court.
I love it when shaky conjecture gets fucked in the ass.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
The Milk of Human Kindness Goes Sour
Just when I thought I had faith in good human decency, something like this happens: the condolence book for Kenneth Bigley, the executed British hostage, got stolen from the mosque where it was displayed.
I say we find the guy who did this and cut off his left nut. Should he have tried to sell the book on eBay, he starts singing castrato. I mean, for fuck's sake. What kind of bastard do you have to be to steal a book of condolences?
I say we find the guy who did this and cut off his left nut. Should he have tried to sell the book on eBay, he starts singing castrato. I mean, for fuck's sake. What kind of bastard do you have to be to steal a book of condolences?
Monday, October 11, 2004
I Return!
And I come bringing T-shirts!
So, Philly did, indeed, kick ass. Should I go to Haverford or Swarthmore, I will be going in every weekend on the train.
Saturday afternoon, right after we got in, we headed down to the Reading Terminal Market. If you have been to Philly and never gone here, then you are missing a piece of your soul. They have markets selling everything you can imagine: Turkish food, Amish preserves and meats, chocolate ears, and books so kooky and conspiracy-laden, the good folks at Disinformation would take one look at them and go, "No fucking way." I enjoyed a kebab sandwich at the aforementioned Turkish place, which brought back so many good memories of the donner kebabs that sustained my family during our backpacking through Germany a few years back.
Later, we met other members of the Cognito Clan, carrying their new brood around both outside and inside of their bodies. We walked, saw sights, drank (at two different places), and ate (at two different places).
Sunday... well, you already know about most of Sunday. After the whole block party thing, we went back to the hotel, told my little story to about half the Internet, and worked on my homework. Then we went out to dinner at the Continental. That was definitely a neat place. A lot of the style probably came prepackaged from Urban Outfitters, but it worked. The food was awesome, especially the Szechuan Shoestring Fries with a mustard sauce that regularly set my nostrils aflame.
Today we went to H & S for the interviews. They went swimmingly. Then we went on a journey that seemed to go on forever: to the rental car return, to the airport terminal, on the plane, to Manchester, off the plane, to the car, to home.
So, I'm finally back. Now if only I can work through the fuckload of homework my teachers gave me. Ouch.
So, Philly did, indeed, kick ass. Should I go to Haverford or Swarthmore, I will be going in every weekend on the train.
Saturday afternoon, right after we got in, we headed down to the Reading Terminal Market. If you have been to Philly and never gone here, then you are missing a piece of your soul. They have markets selling everything you can imagine: Turkish food, Amish preserves and meats, chocolate ears, and books so kooky and conspiracy-laden, the good folks at Disinformation would take one look at them and go, "No fucking way." I enjoyed a kebab sandwich at the aforementioned Turkish place, which brought back so many good memories of the donner kebabs that sustained my family during our backpacking through Germany a few years back.
Later, we met other members of the Cognito Clan, carrying their new brood around both outside and inside of their bodies. We walked, saw sights, drank (at two different places), and ate (at two different places).
Sunday... well, you already know about most of Sunday. After the whole block party thing, we went back to the hotel, told my little story to about half the Internet, and worked on my homework. Then we went out to dinner at the Continental. That was definitely a neat place. A lot of the style probably came prepackaged from Urban Outfitters, but it worked. The food was awesome, especially the Szechuan Shoestring Fries with a mustard sauce that regularly set my nostrils aflame.
Today we went to H & S for the interviews. They went swimmingly. Then we went on a journey that seemed to go on forever: to the rental car return, to the airport terminal, on the plane, to Manchester, off the plane, to the car, to home.
So, I'm finally back. Now if only I can work through the fuckload of homework my teachers gave me. Ouch.
Sunday, October 10, 2004
PhillyBlog: I Protested at National Coming Out Day, and All I Got Were These Stupid Handcuffs
Thank God my hotel has a media center, or else I wouldn't be able to share this little bit of awesomeness with you all.
So, the Cognito Clan decided to head down to the gayborhood today. We set out this morning with no big plans, except to see fellow gay men. Well, when we get there, we find out everyone's setting up for a National Coming Out Day block party. We soon depart in search of a place that sells cheesesteaks that our concierge told us was awesome. Well, two hundred blocks later, it turned out such a place did not exist. After walking back to the gayborhood and plotting various methods of execution for the concierge, we found festivities in full swing... as well as the opposition.
That's right; fundies crashed the party. All "Leviticus 18:22" and "Man and woman" and all that jazz. According to The Gay Philadelphian, they were members of a group called Repent America (ooh, how charming).
Well, soon they broke through the barrier of people holding up pink cardboard cut-out angels (yeah, I don't know, either), and started spewing their bullshit right in the middle of the festivities. Needless to say, whenever they spoke up, they were quickly drowned out by "woo!"s from the dirty queers surrounding them. Mind you, I ended up playing a part, too, just after I sat down to lunch:
Righteous Fundie: Why were Sodom and Gomorrah destroyed?
Me: (to parents) I just have to answer this one. (walks outside and starts yelling at top of lungs) INHOSPITALITY! GOD DESTROYED SODOM AND GOMORRAH BECAUSE THE INHABITANTS WERE CRUEL TO STRANGERS! NOT BECAUSE OF SODOMY, YOU DUMBFUCKS! (calms down, returns to cheesesteak and fries) There, now I feel better.
Then, the cheering got especially loud: The paddy wagon had arrived. Apparently the good Christian soldiers forgot to get a permit. They were dragged away, and everything returned to relatively normal.
The rest of the block party was cool, but mild by comparison. One booth was giving away Team America T-shirts, so I got one for me, one for Brother Cognito, and one for my friend. Mother Cognito saw bears in the wild. We saw the most adorable puppies in existence, either owned or being given away by animal shelters. Some gay rugby player almost hurled on this spinny contraption. I wanted to do karaoke, but stepped down after a) I found out they didn't have "Gay Bar", which you'd think they would, and b) some girl went up to the stand and sang a rendition of "I Will Always Love You" that attained sentience and spanked all other competitors.
I promise full Philly update when I get home, but when something this awesome happens, you generally don't wait.
So, the Cognito Clan decided to head down to the gayborhood today. We set out this morning with no big plans, except to see fellow gay men. Well, when we get there, we find out everyone's setting up for a National Coming Out Day block party. We soon depart in search of a place that sells cheesesteaks that our concierge told us was awesome. Well, two hundred blocks later, it turned out such a place did not exist. After walking back to the gayborhood and plotting various methods of execution for the concierge, we found festivities in full swing... as well as the opposition.
That's right; fundies crashed the party. All "Leviticus 18:22" and "Man and woman" and all that jazz. According to The Gay Philadelphian, they were members of a group called Repent America (ooh, how charming).
Well, soon they broke through the barrier of people holding up pink cardboard cut-out angels (yeah, I don't know, either), and started spewing their bullshit right in the middle of the festivities. Needless to say, whenever they spoke up, they were quickly drowned out by "woo!"s from the dirty queers surrounding them. Mind you, I ended up playing a part, too, just after I sat down to lunch:
Righteous Fundie: Why were Sodom and Gomorrah destroyed?
Me: (to parents) I just have to answer this one. (walks outside and starts yelling at top of lungs) INHOSPITALITY! GOD DESTROYED SODOM AND GOMORRAH BECAUSE THE INHABITANTS WERE CRUEL TO STRANGERS! NOT BECAUSE OF SODOMY, YOU DUMBFUCKS! (calms down, returns to cheesesteak and fries) There, now I feel better.
Then, the cheering got especially loud: The paddy wagon had arrived. Apparently the good Christian soldiers forgot to get a permit. They were dragged away, and everything returned to relatively normal.
The rest of the block party was cool, but mild by comparison. One booth was giving away Team America T-shirts, so I got one for me, one for Brother Cognito, and one for my friend. Mother Cognito saw bears in the wild. We saw the most adorable puppies in existence, either owned or being given away by animal shelters. Some gay rugby player almost hurled on this spinny contraption. I wanted to do karaoke, but stepped down after a) I found out they didn't have "Gay Bar", which you'd think they would, and b) some girl went up to the stand and sang a rendition of "I Will Always Love You" that attained sentience and spanked all other competitors.
I promise full Philly update when I get home, but when something this awesome happens, you generally don't wait.
Friday, October 08, 2004
"You Received Bear Three-Way +3."
Y'know, this wasn't what I was asking for when I said I wanted to see more gay characters in video games.
Harry Potter and the Fans He Torments
I swear, J.K. Rowling gets off on making her fans suffer. Just now she's admitted that another longstanding character in the series will get snuffed in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, but she won't say who.
Does this change whether or not I'll buy the book, though? No siree.
Does this change whether or not I'll buy the book, though? No siree.
Too Much Buffy, Perhaps?
Just remember: no matter how insane the far right is in the US, there's always somewhere where they are even more nuts. For example: in Australia, an egg-throwing attack against a member of an opposing party was allegedly prompted when a member of the Family First party said that lesbians are witches and should be burnt to death (courtesy of Hairy Fish Nuts).
Just be glad Willow wasn't around to hear that.
Just be glad Willow wasn't around to hear that.
My Cheesesteak Brings All The Boys to the Yard
That's right; the Cognito Clan is headed to Philadelphia for the Columbus Day weekend. I had interviews at Haverford and Swarthmore planned out, so we all thought, "What the hell", and turned it into a mini-vacation.
So, there are gonna be no updates between tomorrow morning and about Monday afternoon. Just to warn you.
So, there are gonna be no updates between tomorrow morning and about Monday afternoon. Just to warn you.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Every Congressional Crime is a Hate Crime
So, the new hate crime laws. Would have added protections for gays, women, and the disabled. Passed in both the House and the Senate. Strengthened by bipartisan support.
And killed where they stood by DeLay and his cronies, who wouldn't let the defense bill to which they were attached move on until they were all removed.
These people won't stand for equal rights. And it's not just for gays; they could easily have just removed the gay rider. Instead, they had to remove all of them, including the one that protected the handicapped, just to show how much they like to fuck over those they see as weak. Get these bastards out of Congress.
And killed where they stood by DeLay and his cronies, who wouldn't let the defense bill to which they were attached move on until they were all removed.
These people won't stand for equal rights. And it's not just for gays; they could easily have just removed the gay rider. Instead, they had to remove all of them, including the one that protected the handicapped, just to show how much they like to fuck over those they see as weak. Get these bastards out of Congress.
I Didn't Know A&F Sold Bad Idea Jeans
I mean, after putting out T-shirts that caricature Asians and thongs for ten-year-olds with sayings like "cherry bomb" printed on the crotch, you'd think Abercrombie and Fitch couldn't get in any more hot water. Well, you'd be wrong.
I'm surprised more people don't shop at American Eagle. It's the same fratboy style, but for a lower price and only ten percent of the stupidity.
I'm surprised more people don't shop at American Eagle. It's the same fratboy style, but for a lower price and only ten percent of the stupidity.
More Costumes from The Twilight Zone
Sweet Sally Hausfrau, some sick genius made a Paris Hilton costume. Night vision camcorder and utter lack of intelligence not included.
I Apologize... No, I Don't
Grr. There's nothing I hate more than non-apologies. Whether's it's Jerry Falwell saying "I'm sure there are plenty of good Muslims, even if I did call their spiritual leader a terrorist", or... well, Jerry Falwell, saying, "I'm sorry if anyone was offended when I said that God brought down the Twin Towers because of feminism." Now comes Jim DeMint:
At a Wednesday news conference DeMint said he was speaking as a parent who wants the best for children.
"So as my wife often reminds me, sometimes my heart disengages from my head and I say something I shouldn't and that's what happened yesterday," said DeMint.
"I clearly said something as a dad that I just shouldn't have said. And I apologize."
But, when asked his apology included gays he said no, adding that he stands by the comments.
"Yes, I'm sorry if I got overreactive, but fags still suck." Haaaaaaate.
At a Wednesday news conference DeMint said he was speaking as a parent who wants the best for children.
"So as my wife often reminds me, sometimes my heart disengages from my head and I say something I shouldn't and that's what happened yesterday," said DeMint.
"I clearly said something as a dad that I just shouldn't have said. And I apologize."
But, when asked his apology included gays he said no, adding that he stands by the comments.
"Yes, I'm sorry if I got overreactive, but fags still suck." Haaaaaaate.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Why Does It Haunt Me Still?
Ah, Halloween: when the ghosts of shitty movies walk among the living.
They're selling Catwoman costumes, people, even after the profit for that movie came in at around negative googol. Why not put them to better use by setting them on fire in back alleys and keeping the homeless warm during the autumn chill?
They're selling Catwoman costumes, people, even after the profit for that movie came in at around negative googol. Why not put them to better use by setting them on fire in back alleys and keeping the homeless warm during the autumn chill?
What if God Wasn't One of Us?
Dear Rex Wockner: Fuck my cock. Seriously. I am not going to throw over my faith just because some zealots think that obscure Levitical codes bear more importance to Christianity than the teachings of Christ. I'm not going to give up on the love of God just because someone else thinks God loves us so much, he rams airplanes into buildings when we won't do it enough. I haven't done it because of them; what makes you think I'm going to do it because of you?
God, there's nothing I hate more than an uppity atheist. Not that there's anything wrong with atheism; if you've come to your own reasonable conclusion of the nonexistence of a Supreme Being, that's fine. But seriously, how is an atheist arguing, "All religion is evil", any different than a Pentecostalist arguing, "All religion except mine is evil"?
God, there's nothing I hate more than an uppity atheist. Not that there's anything wrong with atheism; if you've come to your own reasonable conclusion of the nonexistence of a Supreme Being, that's fine. But seriously, how is an atheist arguing, "All religion is evil", any different than a Pentecostalist arguing, "All religion except mine is evil"?
Flip-Flop, and You Don't Stop
Okay, once again, I did not watch the debate last night. But if I had, I would probably have thrown something at Dick Cheney's ugly mug:
Cheney, with his daughter Mary an out lesbian in the audience, spoke supportively about gay relationships and said that "people ought to be free to choose any arrangement they want." But, he acknowledged that Bush supports passage of a constitutional marriage to ban gay marriage, and said, "He sets policy for this administration, and I support him."
My, quite a change from "Let the states decide", eh? Mind you, a change from the position you took in the 2000 campaign, before switching over to support the FMA, and then switching over again after the FMA failed in the Senate.
The big question is why Mary didn't lob a tomato at him from the audience.
Cheney, with his daughter Mary an out lesbian in the audience, spoke supportively about gay relationships and said that "people ought to be free to choose any arrangement they want." But, he acknowledged that Bush supports passage of a constitutional marriage to ban gay marriage, and said, "He sets policy for this administration, and I support him."
My, quite a change from "Let the states decide", eh? Mind you, a change from the position you took in the 2000 campaign, before switching over to support the FMA, and then switching over again after the FMA failed in the Senate.
The big question is why Mary didn't lob a tomato at him from the audience.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Now I Don't Think I'll Ever Be Able to Have Sex
Andrew Sullivan, whom I normally respect, thinks Dick Cheney is teh sex. At least, sexier than Edwards.
That's odd; I can't see the keyboard. Because my eyes are bleeding.
That's odd; I can't see the keyboard. Because my eyes are bleeding.
And They Were Both, Um... Middle Eastern...
The effort to link Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda reaches a new low.
"They were both sworn enemies of the free world, including the U.S."- This just in! Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda were also connected to Hitler, North Korea, and Lars von Trier!
"They both celebrated the Sept. 11 attacks on America"- ...and radical Palestinians, too! Throw in the Illuminati, and we have the conspiracy to end all conspiracies!
They're just not even trying anymore, are they?
"They were both sworn enemies of the free world, including the U.S."- This just in! Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda were also connected to Hitler, North Korea, and Lars von Trier!
"They both celebrated the Sept. 11 attacks on America"- ...and radical Palestinians, too! Throw in the Illuminati, and we have the conspiracy to end all conspiracies!
They're just not even trying anymore, are they?
Hey, Big Spender...
I've stated time and again that I favor a policy of fiscal conservatism. The US government should only try deficit spending in times of economic emergency (see: the Depression), and should not follow up a billion dollar package with another billion dollar package.
So, this is why it hurts my soul when the White House asks for another in the nation's $7.4 trillion debt limit.
While I don't want to sound too much like Andrew Sullivan... these people are not conservative. They are some bastard combination of the worst elements: socially repressive, yet economically wasteful. You want to know what they're doing for us? Here's a nifty experiment: Take $100 in small bills. Go to a public place, like a park or something. Put the bills in a neat little pile, cover them in an accelerant, and then light them up. That's what they're doing to us and our government.
In the words of Spider Jerusalem, "You voted for this. Now vote it out."
So, this is why it hurts my soul when the White House asks for another in the nation's $7.4 trillion debt limit.
While I don't want to sound too much like Andrew Sullivan... these people are not conservative. They are some bastard combination of the worst elements: socially repressive, yet economically wasteful. You want to know what they're doing for us? Here's a nifty experiment: Take $100 in small bills. Go to a public place, like a park or something. Put the bills in a neat little pile, cover them in an accelerant, and then light them up. That's what they're doing to us and our government.
In the words of Spider Jerusalem, "You voted for this. Now vote it out."
Monday, October 04, 2004
Plunging Headfirst into the Dustbin of History
Ganked from Andrew Sullivan.
Because other opinions are little nuisances that get in the way of good Christian values, U.S. Senate Candidate Jim DeMint (R-SC) has made it his public opinion that openly gay teachers should not be allowed to teach.
I remember a measure like this; the only thing was, it failed. Now, where was this again? Oh, yeah: In 1978.
Just remember, members of the far right: when society goes one step forward, go five steps back in response.
Because other opinions are little nuisances that get in the way of good Christian values, U.S. Senate Candidate Jim DeMint (R-SC) has made it his public opinion that openly gay teachers should not be allowed to teach.
I remember a measure like this; the only thing was, it failed. Now, where was this again? Oh, yeah: In 1978.
Just remember, members of the far right: when society goes one step forward, go five steps back in response.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
That Bowtie is Officially Cutting off the Oxygen to His Brain
So, get this: On a recent episode of Real Time with Bill Maher, Tucker Carlson defended his ally Robert Novak's outing of Valerie Plame as a CIA operative, claiming that freedom of the press is "absolute". And apparently, this applies to troop movements, too.
So, Tucker Carlson: uber-libertarian, or fuckwad with Novak's hand up his ass? You decide.
...Wait. Do we even need to decide? And for those of you who do need to decide: It's the latter.
So, Tucker Carlson: uber-libertarian, or fuckwad with Novak's hand up his ass? You decide.
...Wait. Do we even need to decide? And for those of you who do need to decide: It's the latter.
Doggyville Style
So, what's Lars von Trier doing after inflaming American pundits with Dogville? Putting out gay porn, of course.
I can just envision the plot: A young top comes to America, has all his money stolen, and is forced to bottom for the next 90 minutes, until either he dies or he gets horrible revenge on all his toppers (make up your own suitable revenge, I'm flat out).
I can just envision the plot: A young top comes to America, has all his money stolen, and is forced to bottom for the next 90 minutes, until either he dies or he gets horrible revenge on all his toppers (make up your own suitable revenge, I'm flat out).
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Bigotry? That's Hot.
What could make Paris Hilton more detestable than releasing a second sex tape? Releasing a second sex tape in which she describes two black fashion designers as "dumb [n-word]s".
I hope that her third tape is footage of her spontaneously combusting.
I hope that her third tape is footage of her spontaneously combusting.
Divine Intervention
Dicked Over
I'm telling you, Nigeria is the place to be. Government officials can be beaten to death by rampaging mobs for allegedly stealing a man's penis. And it wasn't even Newt Gingrich.
Friday, October 01, 2004
I'll Get You, My Pretty... and Your Little Rights, Too!
And once again, the conservative Republicans swear to bring back the FMA until it passes. I'm just wondering: When DeLay says things like this--
DeLay said the issue is far from dead. "We will come back and come back until this is passed," he said.
--does he have any inkling that he might sound a bit like Strom Thurmond reading the telephone book?
DeLay said the issue is far from dead. "We will come back and come back until this is passed," he said.
--does he have any inkling that he might sound a bit like Strom Thurmond reading the telephone book?
God Said, "Ha!"... Or Not.
In proof that maybe the only emotion that the religious right feels is fury, Oregon's Defesne of Marriage Coalition wants a satirical "Defense of Heterosexual Breeding Coalition" statement taken off the voter pamphlet. Reason:
Kelly Clark, attorney for the group, told The Oregonian that the state would not tolerate "such language targeted at the Jewish community, the Islamic community or anybody except the conservative Christian community."
Oh, for fuck's sake. Since when has "queers suck" been a central tenet of Christianity? "Love one another, Christ is the Redeemer, and oh yeah, fags are evil." That's like saying that if I made fun of abortion, I'm being cruel towards all women.
Kelly Clark, attorney for the group, told The Oregonian that the state would not tolerate "such language targeted at the Jewish community, the Islamic community or anybody except the conservative Christian community."
Oh, for fuck's sake. Since when has "queers suck" been a central tenet of Christianity? "Love one another, Christ is the Redeemer, and oh yeah, fags are evil." That's like saying that if I made fun of abortion, I'm being cruel towards all women.
