The Evil Petting Zoo

Because I do believe Bush is using it to wipe his ass. (Ganked from Queer Day.

Alabama State Rep. Gerald Allen, who sponsored the state ban on gay marriage last year, has the backing of President George W. Bush on the issue. He had already paid at least five visits to the White House where the two have discussed the bill in detail.

Emphasis mine. Now, this could be Allen lying. This could be him visiting Bush on, like, tax issues, and lying about how the Big Man supports his need to burn- oh, I'm sorry, bury books.

But here is a man, a man whose job description calls for him to uphold the Constitution to the letter of the law. Now I'm not exactly sure how the Alabama state Constitution deals with the issue of government censorship, but the last time I checked, in the eyes of the federal government, it was a very bad thing. Which means Bush has given the go-ahead to this paleolithic Puritan fuckstick to shit all over the Bill of Rights.

God. Damnit.

This is what's happening to our nation, people. Anything controversial is being pushed out of the scene, and the people in the White House are letting it happen. I'm sure Thomas Jefferson must be on spin cycle right now.

So, yeah. The Iraqi people got out in large numbers yesterday and voted. And yes, I know that every blog left, right, center, and maybe a few anarchist has beaten me to the punch.

Still. Good luck, Iraqis. You've taken democracy by the reigns. Enjoy it.

Just so you know, we think he's a douchebag, too.

You know, Bush is right: I don't really need federal marriage rights after all. Sure, my husband and I probably won't be able to ensure the strength of our wills, co-own a house, and experience tax breaks for married couples, but who cares? What's important is that we'll be upholding the sanctity of marriage, which was already falling apart years before us icky homos came along.

There. Now where's my fucking money?

Dear College Republicans of the University of Central Oklahoma: Ha ha. Very clever. But really, do you know why there aren't straight pride events? Because you get to be proud to be straight every fucking day of your life. I can't think of any Islamic countries where you'd get stoned to death for being straight, any states where you would have been arrested for straight sex 20 years ago, or any government that is trying to push an amendment to block the recognition of straight marriage.

You should be proud. Proud that you don't have to go through any of this crap. But if you're really so proud about that, then tell me, how do you feel about the 4% of the population that does have to put up with it?

Another day on the streets of Canaan for Doc Tesseract.

Ended up intercepting a drug transaction between the Bones and the Masques. Ran into a bit of trouble, though; Red Death figured out what was going on when his bodyguard suddenly wasn't standing next to him anymore. Suddenly, a John Woo scene broke out. He tried to run, but from what I understand, the concrete walls on the inside of the Cage got in his way.

After that, I had to team up with the Peacekeepers to stop the Elder Gods from rising. Good Christ, I hate going to R'lyeh. I don't think I'll be having anything to eat tonight. Or for the next twelve hours.

Greg and I were originally going to settle in for a movie tonight, but I just got word that John Dee's crystal ball has turned up in the hands of Grant Morrison, which means something's going to get horribly distorted tonight. Maybe I should pass on the information to Heirophant and leave him to deal with it; this magical stuff's his specialty.

(And in case you're wondering if I've either totally lost my mind or turned this into a blog for a City of Heroes character, you can find all the answers here. Sure, I'm a day late, but I doubt I'm a dollar short.)

"I'm smart! Just go see Alone in the Dark for the proof!"

That, my friends, is not a joke.

And by the way, Tara Reid totally looks like an extra from Bunsen Burner Babes 2.

I must have the plush Marvin.

That is all.

Reasons to hate Wal-Mart:

-They destroy small businesses.
-They destroyed treasured large businesses of my childhood, such as Toys 'R' Us.
-They don't allow unions.
-They smell of stale popcorn.
-They censor what they sell.
-They tried to sell The Learned Protocols of the Elders of Zion online.
-At the store I briefly visited in North Carolina (where else was I going to get water guns for our family reunion?), they sold James Dobson's religious hate book Marriage Under Fire in the "Inspirational" section.

Reasons not to hate Wal-Mart:

-They've started recognizing gay families.

Atrios told Pam told half the blogosphere told me that Paul Newman may be planning on kicking Joe Lieberman to the curb in '06. Let's see: Cool Hand Luke, guy who bitches out violent video games... Butch Cassidy, supported Condoleeza Rice...

Oh, like I even have a choice.

Just a query: If this gay DNA exists, then does the whole religious right have to go Calvinist?

Oh, who am I kidding: They're already Calvinists.

This is what spam must be like for the folks at Hogwarts.

How do you make James Dobson tearing one off of SpongeBob look reasonable? Use your newly-received power as Secretary of Education to put the kibosh on a PBS program where an animated rabbit visits a lesbian couple in Vermont.

“Congress’ and the Department’s purpose in funding this programming certainly was not to introduce this kind of subject matter to children, particularly through the powerful and intimate medium of television." [said Spellings to the head of PBS]

Of course, never mind the fact that there are a whole bunch of kids across the country who happen to be "introduced to that kind of subject matter" day after day after day as a result of finding a loving home. You've got to wonder what's going on when the Secretary of Education is against discussing something in a chaste, clean manner with the children of America.

"The coldest winter I ever spent was summer in San Francisco."- some guy who history has mistaken for Mark Twain

Yeah, well, while it may be colder than a polar bear's snot in San Francisco, at least they don't have to deal with the snow, snow, dear God, the fucking snow, has Ragnarok been declared or something?

I'm sorry; it's just, after the Great Snowdump of '05, we're getting another fucking four to six inches. My parents actually want me to check out our heating vent out of fear that the snow might cause us to choke to death on yummy carbon monoxide. And I still have to go to school.

So, yeah. Bite me, Guy Who Wasn't Mark Twain.

This is probably the most awesome thing I'll see on the Internet this week. UCC accepts SpongeBob Squarepants. And yes, that is really the head of the UCC seated across from a stuffed SpongeBob. It's good to see some Christian denominations can take themselves less than seriously.

"Beneath Hell Lies... The Cave"? No. No, no, no. Everyone knows that Purgatory lies right beneath Hell! You get there by climbing down Satan and following the river Lethe. Jeez. Didn't these guys ever read Dante?

And yeah, that's really all I have to say about that. Except for the fact that the movie will probably suck. But what's the start of a day without some Inferno humor?

The 2005 Razzie nominations are up. And, since I have seen only one of these films, I feel like I shouldn't be qualified to talk about them at all. And yet, I shall. Funny, that.

My picks:

Worst Picture: There's no way Alexander won't win this, okay. Don't talk to me about how Catwoman raped its source material, or how Baby Geniuses 2 resurrected a franchise no one wanted to see dug up, or how Surviving Christmas demonstrated the hollow shell that Ben Affleck's career has become, or how White Chicks somehow managed to racist towards both black people and white people. Because none of them did any of that for three and a half hours. Also, Surviving Christmas had Tony Soprano whacking Affleck over the head with a shovel, which should not only disqualify it from the running, but earn it some sort of humanitarian award.

Worst Actor: While I would love so very much for Dubya to win this honor, he's in the same category as someone from Alexander, and Oliver Stone's touch destroys all. But none of that compares to the fact that they are in the same category as someone whom the populous will kick in the nutsack of the soul at every available opportunity. Sorry, guys, but when up against Affleck, you had no chance.

Worst Actress: Do you want to imagine what it was like listening to Angelina Jolie in Alexander? Here's a simulation: Pick up Atlas Shrugged, or a similar collection of Objectivist jargon. Read it aloud, to yourself, in the worst Natasha Baddenov imitation you can dream up, at varying intervals, for three and a half hours. That, my friends, is Angelina Jolie's great contribution. Then again, Halle... well, do I need to say anything else about Halle Fucking Berry? Not to mention that Catwoman was a post-Oscar choice. I'd say that the two are tied, but I'd put my odds on Angelina for a surprise victory.

Worst Screen Couple: Tell me, folks: Was anything more cringeworthy than seeing the president of our nation reading a children's book for seven minutes while our country was under attack? If Fahrenheit 9/11 is getting "punished" for anything, then it's this. All the other "couples" had some sort of chemistry. To be honest, I'm surprised Alexander and Roxanne isn't on the list, as that sex scene came rather close to being a particularly bad treatise from Camille Paglia. So, Bush and My Pet Goat will probably win this category, if only because Bush has to get pimpslapped for something.

Worst Supporting Actress: While it would be strangely fitting if Britney Spears got this award for uttering only two lines (the gumsnap has to count as its own distinct line), they'd probably brain Sharon Stone over the head with this if it wouldn't result in assault charges. As such, they'll probably inscribe a message on the base: "Dear Sharon: 1992 ended in 1992. Step away from the Basic Instinct sequel, take over MENSA, start a komodo dragon farm, whatever. Just don't act. Please. Love, Hollywood."

Worst Supporting Actor: Nothing really stands out to me. I'll have to go with Jon Voight, if only because a) he's fallen very fucking far, and b) it's the set-up for a good father-daughter reunion.

Worst Director: Oliver Stone, Oliver Stone, Oliver Fucking Stone. God. Can you imagine what it will be like if this guy actually gets to direct an adaptation of The Fountainhead? There may be actual suicides in the theaters.

Worst Remake or Sequel: Exorcist: The Beginning, if only because of the fact that, somewhere out there, there supposedly exists a better cut, and we were forced to see the shitty one.

Worst Screenplay: If you will, a selection from Catwoman:

Evil Makeup Slut (Sharon Stone): Game over, Patience.
Catwoman (Halle Berry): It's overtime!

See, some of the dialogue in Alexander, while pompous and overblown, had a nice, poetic, classical quality to it. Catwoman's dialogue, on the other hand, sounds like it would only be spoken by people kept in a Skinner box in their youth and raised on a steady diet of Top Gun knockoffs and sassy black girlfriend dialogue. Catwoman wins, if only because no real people in no time period whatsoever spoke like that.

And now, the special awards:

Worst Razzie Loser: This is difficult. If anything, I'd say it's even odds between Angelina, who got a freaking Oscar to go with her 7 nominations, and Arnold, who somehow ended up becoming Governor of the fine state where the Razzies are held. But if I had to pick one, I'd have to go with Conan.

Worst "Drama": There's just so fucking much. The Lonely Lady and Swept Away will probably fall by the wayside, if only because you have two of the gayest movies in all the world and the world's most overblown treatise on Scientology. I'd actually have to go with Battlefield Earth myself, if only because camp value can be derived from the other two remaining contenders. Not to mention I know people who use the following phrase as a barometer for bad movies: "Does it have cavemen piloting thousand-year old fighter jets after a week of training? No? Then it's not bad enough."

Worst "Comedy": Gigli. Gigli. The movie pretty much killed at least two acting careers, got buzz that smelled like a decomposing skunk, had a love interest who was a lesbian and still ended up screwing the leading man, and had an autistic character who said that attractive ladies made his penis sneeze. While I'd personally pick Freddy Got Fingered (say what you will about Gigli, but at least it didn't cause me actual physical pain while I was reading a review of it), the movie that even Harry Knowles found atrocious is walking home with this one.

Worst "Musical": As no one remembers Rhinestone, From Justin to Kelly, or Spice World rather distinctly, they're out of the running. Can't Stop the Music? Can't Stop the Music is so gay, it marks the film debut of The Village People. That alone garners it the camp exemption seen in "Dramas". If I had to choose between the remaining two, I'd go with Glitter, for these reasons: the Mariah Carey Cavalcade of Crazy that prefaced its release; it was boring and, ultimately, forgotten by all but Dennis Hensely (seriously, read Screening Party now) in the wake of 9/11; and it displayed the unknown psychic powers of Mariah Carey. Seriously; she's singing the same song as her boyfriend, and instantly knows where her mother is even though she's only told she's in Maryland. Professor Xavier better watch his ass.

And, that's it. My wishes for next year? Highest "honors" for Uwe Boll. Make it so, Razzie board.

Like cockroaches, Keith Richards, and Paris Hilton's sex drive, the FMA will not die.

And I don't see why people like Allard and Frist can't rub two brain cells together and realize they're dealing with a dead bill. It didn't pass when the "executive fiat" in San Francisco made "everyone" "fear" the dirty queers. It didn't pass after Missouri and Louisiana both went ahead and said they didn't like gay people getting married. And, short of a conservative Christian takeover or conclusive proof that gay marriage causes cancer, it most likely won't. Hopefully, this will be the time it finally gets through everyone's skulls that purely social causes don't work well in the Constitution.

UPDATE: Okay, forget what I said about Frist leaping upon it like a wild dog. Even though he endorses the bill, he's apparently keeping it on the DL. That not-so-magnificient bastard.

Holy flaming crap. The Pentagon is dispatching robot soldiers to Iraq (ganked from Pete). Is it wrong for me to want to see footage of the insurgents yelling, "Klaatu barada nikto!" at these unstoppable killing machiens?

For a long time, I've been rather... shall we say, "tech-challenged." Whenever the computer made funny noises, I went running to my dad rather than try to figure it out myself. Same with the computer, any of our video game systems, the car, and the toaster.

So, that's why I can't for the life of me figure out how, within the past week, I've been able to figure out how to free up enough hard drive space to play both Half-Life 2 and The Sims 2, diagnose why the TV I'm going to be taking to college kept turning off ten seconds after being turned on, and fixing said TV.

There's only one explanation: my mutant powers have activated. In a few weeks, I'll either be on par with Mitchell Hundred or asking the Pentagon if they want to play a game of Global Thermonuclear Warfare. Or maybe I'm finally, finally using the brains God gave me.

I like the mutant powers explanation better, myself.

Oh, I'd say that's been happening for the past few weeks. And tonight, it's going to turn into the winter of our pissing and moaning. People are already drawing comparisons to the Blizzard of '78, and nary a flake has touched the ground (well, here, at least). And of course, this has to happen on the weekend when I just got out of finals, and therefore don't have school on Monday because it's a makeup day.

Seriously, it's likely that no one's going to leave the house tomorrow. We've even stocked up on litter for our cat, who would usually brave Ragnarok itself to go out and crap behind a tree. So, I guess when the first flakes start to fall, we'll all be huddled up by the fire, drinking hot cocoa and talking about how glad we are that we're not outside.

Either that, or we'll have reverted to a state of savagery and cannibalism on the level of the Donner Party. Could go either way.

What kind of fuckwad sets up a series of cameras for the express purpose of seeing people jump off of the Golden Gate Bridge? And seriously, if you're going to make a movie about "the human spirit in crisis", don't you think it would be best not to include footage that makes people think, "I could be immortal if I do this"?

A likely future scenario, told through arithmetic:

David Fincher + the Zodiac Killer = me, curled up in the fetal position, gripping a baseball bat, and hoping and praying that the sun will rise soon.

"SpongeBog QueerPants is more like it!", screams James Dobson like a madman.

Does no one on the religious right pay attention? Or were their heads all conveniently placed under rocks when Jerry Falwell became a laughingstock for calling Tinky Winky gay?

So, at school, we have an option called Senior Projects, in which we can opt out of completing the last term of our courses in order to work on a big project of our own personal choosing. For years, I was planning to do a stage adaptation of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but I'm taking two APs (which are undroppable), I could never find out how to secure the rights from the Adams estate, and... well, this happened.

My classmate Annina, on the other hand, has found a way to put on the show of her dreams. She's got most of the cast sorted out, so all she has to do is secure the rights. And that show?

"Once More, With Feeling." Oh, yes. And Annina's playing Anya, "because then I get to be afraid of bunnies."

There is no damn way I'm missing this. And even though Xander's already been cast, I wonder how likely it is for a kid who sang in his church's choir and has minimal acting experience to get cast as Giles...

You know, there may be petitions that free more people from civil rights abuses, or petitions that help reveal more government fraud, but really, this is what will truly have a lasting effect for generations to come.

Oh, like you wouldn't have made that joke if you were in my shoes. Concerned Women for America has published a letter from a grandmother arrested for taking part in the Repent America protests. And... well, "Letter from a Birmingham Jail", it ain't. And, I'd hate to say it, but a grandmother calling on God to protect her from women is somewhat like calling on God to turn the light green. It's probably gonna happen. And I love the fact that after these girls treat her with kindness, she's still like, "Depravity! Yuck!"

Still. I honestly don't think this woman knew what she was getting into. Someone should face responsibility for what happened at Outfest, but I think this woman just thought she'd be standing off to the side, holding a sign, preaching the so-called "good news." If anyone's responsible, it's Marcavage and whoever started the movement to push through the crowd. Not people like her.

Paris Hilton must be stopped. They killed a deer just to gross her out. A deer. Out of season. And not for food, or sport, or even a fucking trophy, but just to make some rich bitch with the brains of salad dressing feel gross.

You see? Paris Hilton is harming innocent creatures just by existing. We have to stop her before she goes all Jean Grey and eats a sun!

Oh, for the love of Santa Claus. This is what it's come to, folks: some religious conservatives can not only not designate between stopping people from saying "faggot" and stopping people from saying "homosexuality is wrong", but between stopping people from hurling about any form of verbal abuse and people pointing out their personal objections to gayness.

Dear Warren Throckmorton: "Gay people are sinners" does not equal "fatty, fatty, two by four." Nor does it equal "four-eyes", nor "teacher's pet", not "snotnose", nor "retard", nor- and here's the big one- "faggot". Call me a sinner all you want; just don't tell your kids you can call me, or gay kids like me, shit on the schoolyard. Got it?

Yes, I know, he's one of the tribe, but seriously, how can you say, while introducing 3 new reality shows, that you "aren't concerned" about oversaturation? Oh, yeah, like this:

"Each show has its own characters," Brian Graden, MTV Networks Music Group president of entertainment, said Friday at the Universal City Hilton. "You don't compare 'The Cosby Show' with 'My Wife & Kids.' It's a format, but it's about people, and as long as there are interesting people and each has its own dynamic, we'll keep doing (these types of shows)."

Yeah! Because there's... well, there are the subjects on True Life, Made, and the various dating shows, who disappear after one episode... um, and the Simpsons, or the Osbournes, or the famewhore family du jour... oh, and there's the sluts on The Real World, and the other sluts on Road Rules...

This is just fucking tragic.

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. The man had a dream, we all know that: that white kids and black kids could live and play together, without laws, school boards, or ideologies getting in the way. To some end, that has been accomplished.

But he had other dreams. He was stridently anti-war, seeing the potential negative effects of the Vietnam War before many others did. Depending on who you listen to, he may or may not have supported full rights for gay people... but, seeing as he had Bayard Rustin and James Baldwin as close affiliates, you can guess which side I'm leaning towards.

Then there's King's most famous dream. Even though it has been mainly accomplished, to some end, something sneaks through. When a man in Tulia, Texas, gets fifty black people arrested on no evidence whatsoever, King's dream is broken. When a policeman shoots a black man full of lead just because he's reaching for his wallet, King's dream is broken.

We've come a long way. But we still have farther to go. Thank you for leading the way , Dr. King.

Bush dropkicks the FMA. Not that I have any confidence, given that he and Cheney have flip-flopped on the issue more times than a sandal factory.

Then again, I hope James Dobson takes this opportunity to savor the fine taste and subtle nuances of eating your words.

Well, of course you'd have to exorcise a bed used by Aleister Crowley. Or at least just burn the sheets and mattress.

Six little words that killed a show dead:

"Is this because I'm a lesbian?"

Those were the words that ended Elisabeth Rohm's tenure as ADA and malfunctioning android Serena Southerlyn on Law and Order, and also ended my interest in whatever future roads the show might take.

I knew, of course, that the show was slipping. After all, Dick Wolf has had a tendency lately not just to rip a plot from the headlines, but mold it into a hammer and beat you over the head with it until you lose consciousness (case in point, the season premiere, "Panties for Abu Ghraib"- I mean, "Paradigm"). And the loss of Jerry Orbach (from the show) was of course a grevious blow.

But for god's sake, they're not even trying anymore. The little development that Serena happened to really, really like women came 15 seconds from the end of the episode, and lacked any prior evidence or hints to make it look like something other than the result of one too many tokes. And next week's episode description doesn't fill me with hope. Death by flu vaccine? Bitch, please.

In short, goodbye, Dick Wolf. Let's try and remember the good times: the times of Briscoe, solid plots, and ADAs that could actually emote.

In what mirror universe do we get less radical Islamist terrorists by threatening to blow up mosques and nuke Mecca?

Oh, silly me; I'm applying logic to something posted on WorldNetDaily.

A "Christian" home schooling magazine runs an ad suggesting that good Christian parents spare the rod and horribly abuse the child. This is our "Christian nation"?

While I'm glad that plans for a new X-Files movie are underway, I'm nonetheless pissed that they're doing "one particular case" centered around "supernatural stuff".

You started your story arc, now you finish it, Carter. And with a resolution that doesn't give people aneurysms from trying to figure it all out.

...and I'll give you a fucking gigantic PR disaster.

They're converting Muslim kids. They're taking kids who have lost everything and probably don't know strong religious convictions from a hole in the ground and sticking them in places where they know they'll be taught never to question the nice man holding the Bible. After all, if it worked for Pope Pius IX, it'll work for them, right?

Do people like the good folks at WorldHelp even stop to think about why radical Islamists hate the West? It's because of shit like this. They think that we're at war with Islam as a whole, and when we send missionaries into lands we conquered (or liberated, depending on the POV) or forcefeed Muslim children Christianity, do they think it's going to do anything positive?

MTV must fall.

Seriously. I turn on the TV at six AM on any given weekday, and what do I see? Reality TV. Be it Cribs or Made or some other crap, it's anything but music videos. And worse, they'll probably show one music video-related show (like Direct Effect or TRL, the latter of which is now only tangentially music video-related) in a 24-hour window. That's right; they don't even show videos after midnight anymore.

I want my Fuse, damnit!

Well, it's fucking integral, John Cusack. Oh, my God, people could think you're gay! After all, everyone thinks Tom Hanks has been a giant flamer since Philadelphia, and he never got another role ever again!

God. Buy a stepladder and get yourself, Cusack.

Now, any reader of this blog knows how much I hated those protestors from Repent America who crashed OutFest in Philly this year. I hated how they waved around signs saying I was going to Hell, I hated how they yelled at people who were different from them, I hated how they basically barged through a crowd and brought festivities to a halt just to get their message across, and I especially hated how their sleazebag lawyers kept comparing their plight to that of civil right protestors in the '50s.

But a possible 47 years in jail? That's just wrong. Six months, heck, maybe one year, but it wasn't like they touched off Watts 2.0.

UPDATE: Okay, I can understand now. I still think 47 years is a little harsh, but these guys were clearly trying to start a riot. Five years, maybe.

So, a sheriff in Alabama has put up a letter on the official website longing for the good old days of the '40s and '50s, when gay people were gross, icky, and invisible.

Now, this in and of itself is insulting enough, but when a man in the South longs for the good old days when Jim Crow was still in effect, he deserves a good kick in the cherries.

The first thing we'll do, let's kill all the really sleazy lawyers:

Defence attorney Guy Womack insisted a tether is a "valid tool", and denied that the photos depicted real abuse.

He compared pictures of naked Iraqi prisoners in a human pyramid to cheerleaders at US sports events, who form pyramids "all over America".

"Is that torture?" he asked, opening Spc Graner's defence on Monday.

Let's see: Do they have clothes on? No. Are they holding pom-poms and wearing matching sweater vests? No. Are they being laughed at by American soldiers? Yes. Hmm... yeah, I'd say that's torture.

Bill Condon to adapt Dreamgirls for the screen. The only situation gayer than this involves Freddie Mercury, Elton John, Liberace, ten bottles of KY, and the original cast recording of the soundtrack to The Wizard of Oz.

Well, they're obviously part of a ho-moh-seck-shu-ahl agenda, that's what.

I don't believe these nutbags. They can see homosexual agendas in a street sign. Hell, Wildmon instantly railed against the subplot of the vegetarian shark in Shark Tale, as the message of tolerance was obviously a way of getting across hidden queer messages (and when you have me sticking up for a cinematic loogie like Shark Tale, you've got problems).

In other news, I'm glad to see that the inhabitants of the Hundred Acre Wood are sticking up for my right to exist. I just knew that Kanga was a single lesbian mother.

Cows like beer. Do you really need to know anything else?

What is it with relief efforts that are using this tsunami disaster to spread their own faith? First it was Madonna sending over ten thousand teeny tiny bottles of Kaballah water, now it's evangelical groups using the disaster to get converts. Especially spewworthy quote:

"This [disaster] is one of the greatest opportunities God has given us to share his love with people," said K.P. Yohannan, president of the Texas-based Gospel for Asia.

Yeah, God killed over 150,000 people just so you could possibly stop everyone else from going to Hell. I know I'd keep worshipping a homicidal God, if only not to receive a lightning bolt up the ass.

And as much as this hurts my soul, go, Franklin Graham:

"It's not appropriate in a crisis like this to take advantage of people who are hurting and suffering," said the Rev. Franklin Graham, head of Samaritan's Purse and son of evangelist Billy Graham.

Samaritan's Purse is rushing $4 million in sanitation, food, medical and housing supplies to its teams in Sri Lanka and Indonesia. But Graham, in a phone interview from his North Carolina headquarters, said there were no plans to hand out Christian literature with the relief.

"Maybe another day, if they ask why I come, I'd say I'm a Christian and I believe the Bible tells me to do this," Graham said. "But now isn't the time. We have to save lives."

See? That's tact.

A senior Anglican bishop has drafted a liturgy for same-sex couples. And even more impressive, it doesn't consist of saying, "Shame, shame, shame."

Meanwhile, from those who don't have a clue...

“Would liturgy for this sort of relationship have come forward for friendship’s sake were it not for the pressure from the gay lobby?” [says David Banting, head of the conservative movement in the Anglican Church]

Yeah, and that equally powerful unmarried heterosexual lobby! Those unwed straights want to convert our children! Hey, Banting; there's such a thing as "gay friends." Wrap your head around it.

Comets could come crashing down, a firestorm could hit the East Coast, Newt Gingrich could stage a political coup and force us all to act like extras in The Handmaid's Tale, and it wouldn't matter. Why? Because Alan Rickman is voicing Marvin in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and thus all is right with the world.

"Hey, suffering tsunami victims! Fuck you, I've got mine."

The severe lack of any human tendencies (aside from eating, breathing, and shitting) in Michael Savage aside, I've noticed this motive time, and time, and time again. I've seen it in war (well, obviously). I've seen it in faith (hey, Jews! Who cares if two-thirds of all of you go to Hell when Christ comes again? At least we get into Heaven!). I've seen it on the streets, when people will pass the less fortunate with cups outstretched and not drop in a penny.

This is what humanity is threatening to become: a series of self-concerned greedy bitches who can't see beyond their own sphere of influence to notice that others are suffering. Savage doesn't want to give any money to tsunami victims, eh? Well, how would he feel if the world turned on us after 9/11 and said, "Fuck you, American bitches"? But they didn't: there was empathy, and help, and for once, we felt like a global community.

We have a reason for being here: to help our fellow man. This need goes beyond races, beyond faiths, beyond national borders. And I won't let navel-gazing fucktards like Michael Savage get in my way of making life better for those around me.

For those who feel like they still want to help, go to the Red Cross and make a donation. The people working over in the stricken countries still need help, and your money might go to help us if something this unfortunate ever happens again.

...from Fred Phelps's fucktardry. Not even abducted children.

Does he have shit where his soul should be?

A state delegate in Virginia has introduced a bill that would force mothers to report any miscarriage within 12 hours or face criminal charges. Of course, abortions will be one of them.

Sobell covers a lot of problems with the law (loss of women's privacy, no accounting for medical needs), but missed one: You're a woman who just lost her baby. You've gone through a horrible personal experience; you were about to bring a son or a daughter into the world, and now he's/she's gone before he or she ever had a chance. So now, you have to go and march down to a local government office and tell an official about your intensely personal trauma, or be charged with something tantamount to arson? Fuck. That.

What is wrong with Virginia?

Nonexistent Law and Order episode wins Andrea Yates her freedom. Just wait until Dick Wolf makes an episode out of this. It's going to be so meta, heads will explode.

The US Army apparently came up with a plan to use gas containing a "gay aphrodisiac" on opposing armies.

And we all know that armies that are totally gay always fall. Just look at the Spartans. Oh. Wait.

Today, I'm experiencing that greatest of high school experiences, the senior snow day.

You see, when the rest of the high school gets a snow day, they have to make it up at the end of the year. Seniors, on the other hand, have a fixed graduation date, and therefore we can be snowed in until March without having to make up any school days.

I think I'll spend today laughing in Brother Cognito's face. Or not.

Tucker Carlson gets his ass kicked out; Crossfire likely to die a pauper's death. Good God, I can't wait for tonight's The Daily Show.

And I'm not just rejoicing that Carlson's gone, but also because Crossfire is dead. I only saw five minutes of it once, and in that time, Donna Brazille and Tucker Carlson thought the best way to engage in civilized debate was to scream at each other like howler monkeys being rectally violated. If this is great political debate, then, no. Just, no.

Bush honors another person who hates gay people. In other news, the sky was blue today.

Does Tom DeLay know no such thing as tact? Or does he subscribe to the Cordelia Chase school of thought on the matter?

Yes, I just compared the House Majority Leader to a Buffy character. It's early.

Courtesy of Rossi, I give you: the Budweiser energy beer. If my mother's advice on sweet drinks is to be applied here, then this will probably cause the Ragnarok of hangovers.

The head of the Presidental Inaugural Committee says, "Screw the troops, we want to party," but not in so many words.

Because, y'know, why give them body armor when we can wish them well? Y'all, fuck this.

Will Eisner died yesterday at 87. I'll admit that I'm relatively new to the world of comics. The only things I know about him are: he wrote The Spirit, and made comics what they are today. Still. Those both sound like causes honorable enough for remembrance.

Oh, and apparently his final project consisted of beating the shit out of The Learned Protocols of the Elders of Zion. There's a third cause right there.

So long, Will. May Heaven be a giant drawing board.

One has to wonder, if Hell is modeled after Dante's Inferno, then where will Bill Frist go when he dies? Could it be the Wood of Suicides; after all, destruction of "self or property" counts under that, and Frist often adopted cats from shelters for medical experiments, without telling the shelters of the purpose for adoption. Or maybe it could be the Tenth Malebolge of the Eighth Circle, where the falsifiers go; I mean, he went on This Week with George Stephanopolous and tried to avoid answering the question as to whether HIV could be transmitted through sweat and tears, like the abstinence-only education programs he supports say. Or maybe he should go to the Sixth Malebolge, because he's a fucking hypocrite.

Hmm. Decisions, decisions.

Dude, what the fuck is wrong with Virginia? Not only have they passed a law that says that no form of gay relationship can be recognized by the state, but now they're putting out license plates that say "Traditional Marriage" on them.

I just can't wait until the day Virginians can get drivers licenses with "Fags Suck" emblazoned across the top.

Yeah, remember how the Supreme Court ruled that same-sex marriage in Massachusetts was not an interstate issue, and therefore not subject to review? Well, prepare for the oncoming shitstorm.

Buckaroo Banzai returns, baby.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go explode in geeky delight.

Human baby removed from liver.

Really, what the fuck can I add to that?

The countdown to Winter-een-mas begins. Go out and game.

And if you don't know what Winter-een-mas is (heathen!), a quick education.

Does it make me a bad person that I groaned and went, "Oh, God, not again," when I read that British pop music is working on another relief single?

Yeah. I'm going to Hell.

What do you know, six months with a blog, and I haven't picked up a meme yet. Well, this is as good a time as any. From Fraulein N:

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? Like dear Fraulein, I started a blog.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Didn't make any. Suck on that, biznitches.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My German ex-nanny and family friend gave birth to a baby boy named Constantine. Hopefully he won't take up a habit of wearing a trenchcoat, smoking Silk Cut, and flipping off the Devil.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Thank heavens, no.

5. What countries did you visit? The Cognito Clan spent a week down at a nice villa near Playa del Carmen in Mexico back in February. Other than that, travel's been mainly national- well, unless Puerto Rico counts as something more than a territory.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you didn't have in 2004? Cash. Freedom. Strong friendships.

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched in your memory, and why? 5/17/2004: Gay marriage in Massachusetts. Eat it, Falwell. Oh, and 12/15/2004: I get into Emerson. I'd say higher education is pretty flipping important. Then there's 4/16/2004: the day I finally left the Catholic Church.

8. What was your biggest acheivement of the year? Getting into my first choice for college. Well, that and getting a full 1600 on the SATs. That was somewhere near spectacular.

9. What was your biggest failure? Not being able to maintain my relationship with my boyfriend. We both knew it wasn't going to last (he was probably gonna move to California, and I was gonna go to college), but it still stunk nonetheless. At least I've learned from it (well, hopefully).

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Oh, honey, you don't want to know. Or, if you do, see here, here, and here.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Well, City of Heroes was pretty awesome for the four months I played it. For a first foray into MMORPGs, it was pretty nice.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? The Massachusetts Supreme Court, for issuing the "Suck It, Romney" ultimatum that declared marriage and nothing else for gay people. Oh, and Jon Stewart, for saying every bad thing I have ever wanted to say to the toolboxes on Crossfire.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted? Do I have to pick just one? Okay, okay: Karl Rove, Jimmy Swaggart, Archbishop Sean O'Malley, that government official in Hawaii who said he'd sign a bill making the execution of gay people a binding law, James Dobson, and, most importantly of all, John Kerry (dude, what the fuck?).

14. Where did most of your money go? I honestly don't know. I probably plomped down $85 for City of Heroes, and who knows how much on various graphic novels. That's as close as I can get to a solid figure.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Kerry promising to establish a federal civil unions program (alas), The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie, my college prospects, and the Massachusetts marriages. God, that's a lot of gay.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004? Whichever one of those songs invaded every part of my brain, twisting my synapses and raping my privacy and god, oh god, it's the beating on a hideous emo band! So, yeah. "The Reason." Shut up, Hoobastank.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder/fatter or thinner?

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Social interaction, working out, writing.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Having minor shit fits in the face of impending college life.

20. How will you be spending New Year's Eve? I spent it with my parents, watching Monty Python and the Meaning of Life for 45 minutes until going to bed at 9. Yup; real party animals, the Cognitos.

21. Did you fall in love in 2004? See above.

22. How many one-night stands? Uh, none.

23. What was your favorite TV program? As with Fraulein, a tie between Lost and Desperate Housewives. Vive la Bree Van De Kamp!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate last year? Well, I didn't know who James Dobson was this time last year, and now I can't think of him without saying obscenities, so, yeah.

25. What was the best book you read? Christopher Moore's Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal. For real, y'all. Not only was it hysterical, but it showed great respect for Christ's teachings and had a rendition of the Passion that would make Crazy Mel Gibson turn in his cross.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? FNX 101.7. Sweet, sweet freedom from putrid, putrid crap.

27. What did you want and get? Angels in America on DVD, a boyfriend, and a new leather jacket.

28. What did you want and not get? Still waiting on that damn pony.

29. What was your favorite film of the year? I saw absolutely zero films this year. For real, y'all. For films of this year, I'd say Kill Bill Vol. 2. For films merely seen this year, The Iron Giant ("Superman...").

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I was 18. They was a drunken orgy, a lot of quaaludes, and the summoning of the highest archdemons of Hell. Oh, all right, I opened my presents, then went to the Cheesecake Factory with my family for lunch.

31. What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying? "Ladies and gentlemen, John Kerry is the next President of the United States."

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? "SoCal Skater/Surfer" with occasional "Biker" elements thrown in for taste.

33. What kept you sane? Academically: Thoughts about my eventual autonomy. Politically: Thoughts about how Canada isn't really that far away.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you value the most? Tie between Gavin Newsom for his sexy civil disobedience (sure, it sent the marriage movement down the crapper, but it did it with style!) and Jon Stewart.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? Dude. Did you not just read the gazillion questions above that namechecked gay marriage in one way or another?

36. Who did you miss? Well, it's only been a few days, but fuck, do I miss Lenny Briscoe. Why couldn't you take Elisabeth Rohm, death?

37. Who was the best new person you met? My then-boyfriend, now just-friend.

38. Tell us a valueable life lesson you learned in 2004. It could always be worse. And if something suspicious happens to Bush, then hit the border running.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. "Hey! Think the time is right for a palace revolution..."

Rehnquist: "Lay off that 'activist judges' shit, will you? Christ on a cracker."

So here's a judge slightly to the right of Attila the Hun (which still counts as to the left of Antonin Scalia), and even he is fed up with calling bullshit on judges whose rulings tend to contradict your personal beliefs. Huh. Maybe Pat Robertson did pray against the right judge.

Looks like James "I've Run Out of Clever Puns Comparing His View of Gays to Nazi Propaganda" Dobson is eyeing the Senate. After all, we all know how well it works when an evangelical leader enters a state he doesn't live in and throws about homophobic bluster, right? Right?

I just have to ask: what the fuck is wrong with people?

You read that right. Over 100,000 people are dead, millions are suffering from loss of family members, friends, and resources, there's a very good chance of aftershocks and disease, and people are still going on holiday there. That's just asking for a right kick in the ass, if not a full-fledged Darwin Award.